your smile winks at me like the sun
and my grin blooms like wildflower
i park my car and walk the three flights of stairs
to sulk in the seat as i stare at the times i was not the apple of any eye
perhaps a steer of different direction
but i was never a destination
a blocked intersection
so i became a pleasant detour
you love me
you love me
you love me
my beating chest says yes
my head blunders
for i cannot shrink myself enough to fit the frame
i cannot paint myself enough to be a replica
i am the polar opposite of that perfection once thirsted after
i suppose i am a drop on your tongue
you cannot drink of me
i am poison in a glass
i will never suffice or quench your thirst
this is a lie
this is a lie
this is a lie
my mouth grows dry
my heart paralyzes itself in its chest
i wish i could run from all that i am not allowed to be angry at
but i am stuck staring at the dirty hardwood floor that creeks
so i try to separate myself from the delusion
that i am convincing myself is solid and real
i can touch the delusion as it appears to me like a bubble
but it will not burst, it blends with the air
and i swallow it until it consumes me
i am ripe with secrets i cannot say
i am fearful of myself, too
this is an illness
this is an illness
this is an illness
i separate myself from the sick inside of me
i wish i could wash it from the crevasses in my brain
this screaming, throaty cry is not my own
i hate who i look like
i hate who i look like
i hate who i look like
if it were not for the seed i came from
i would pray to die and be born as beautiful
to be loved by you with nothing to compare in between
i am sorry for staining your sheets with my tears
i hope you put your ear to them
that you can hear the subtlety of my cry
and perhaps understand past the deranged nature of it
i selfishly wonder the thoughts inside of you and the content of your filing cabinet
if i could see through your eyes when you see the perfection
the vision would burn holes in me
i am filled with a rage that has no answer
with contempt, no reason
the greatest pleasure and greatest pain is a love that soaks into every fiber of your being
for suddenly, every other existence is my enemy
the sickness screams you want elsewhere
i will not believe
i will not believe
i will not believe
