All I've Ever Known

13 - Harry

Harry didn't know what time he woke up, only that he had been watching Louis for hours softly snoring against the pillows, watching the sun rise on his face. Louis loved him, was the only thought constantly in his mind, he was replaying over and over and over again the way it had fallen off his lips last night and then promptly started snoring. Harry had flung his eyes wide open hearing that and before getting to reciprocate his feelings, he knew Louis was already asleep, so spent from a big day of travelling and multiple orgasms.

Harry continued to watch him, snapping a few pictures on his phone for good measure. Harry hoped that when he woke up Louis would remember saying it and not brushing it off as a in the moment confession. He truly hoped that what he said was how he really felt. Harry could feel his emotions start spiralling before he could stop himself, thinking then, what if Louis didn't mean it the way Harry did? Does he really think that Louis would stay with him on his tour? Louis has all his own life and tour probably coming up, he just released a new album, he's doing a press tour for his new movie, of course he wasn't going to stay with Harry. He had to get back to his life, see his son. Harry thought back to the first night they had hung out and remembered that Louis had said he was done with relationships as he just wanted to spend time with his family.

Harry could feel the blood draining from his face as maybe this wasn't them getting back together, maybe this was a final goodbye. Harry let a small sob at that as he freely let the tears fall down his cheeks, feeling so pathetic as he was watching the love of his life sleeping blissfully and here he was pre-empting the end, waiting for his happiness to run it's course. Harry's anxiety bubbled up in his stomach then and flung out of bed fumbling with his medication bottle and taking it quickly not bothering with water to swallow it down. He paced in the kitchen and ran his fingers through his hair trying to focus on his breathing and muttering under his breath to, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

It wasn't working, and he could feel the trembling in his hands as his thoughts got away from him in a panic, his throat began to close up and his lungs felt heavy, he was suffocating, he couldn't breathe. He gripped the kitchen bench and was rapidly gasping shallow breathes and felt the hot tears running down his cheeks. Out of the corner of his eye with blurred vision, Louis was right there touching his shoulder lightly. Harry felt sick, his heart was hammering in his chest so tight that it was the only thing he could hear in his eardrums, he could feel his heart beating in his head, he was sobbing shakily and then when he could, he was wheezing in air trying to feel like he wasn't drowning. He focused on Louis, as that was what he thinks the shorter lad had said to him. Louis' hands running over his back, the kisses he was leaving on his cheeks, one, two, three on his left one, one, two, three on his right one. He tried to listen to Louis soothing voice-

"Baby, breathe, slowly in, slowly out, c'mon you're okay. Haz, deep breaths, I'm here, I'm here, you're safe, you're safe, love"

Harry had begun to breathe slower at that, only focusing on taking in air, then letting it slowly out, focusing on Louis' strong hands on his shoulders, running them down his biceps, onto his forearms, gripping his hands, then back up the top of his arms, rubbing his shoulders again.

Harry came to after a moment and his breathing slowed, his tears had dried on his face, he opened his eyes and his face flared up in heat, embarrassment taking over. Louis had just seen him have a panic attack. God, he was so pathetic, as if Louis is going to want him now. Louis was pulling his head down into the crook of his neck and lovingly stroking his back as he kept muttering that Harry was safe, he was okay, everything's going to be alright.

It had worked, he was out of the darkness, he pulled away from Louis still holding him close. He could see the morning sunlight filling the kitchen, the way it was angled right now made Louis look like he was glowing, his bed hair stuck up in all angles.