All I've Ever Known

14 - Louis

"I have an eating disorder, Harry" He sighed, not daring to meet Harry's gaze that he could feel burning into the side of his face.

He focused on Harry's thumb rubbing over his knuckles lovingly, taking in a deep breath and deciding to go back to the start, telling him the whole story.

"It started about 5 months after we broke up, I was so depressed all the time and I was down-right sick of feeling sorry for meself. I didn't like, intend for it to happen but I just kind of stopped eating for the next couple months because, well, like everything was out of my control. I couldn't control my feelings, I couldn't control our relationship, I couldn't even stop my mum from getting really sick, so I decided to control the only thing that I could which was eating"

Harry loved him, he's not going to leave, he's not going to hate you. Keep going, Louis.

"I would skip meals as best as I could and only ate when I felt like I was going to pass out or got really dizzy but mainly lived on those 100-calorie protein bars and water for a good while. Then after mum died it got worse that Lottie began noticing and I told her what I was doing. She basically forced me to go see this specialist for a while and I did and like-yeah it helped for a while but every time I would eat my body would just be screaming at me to stop. I got pretty unhealthy after they diagnosed me with anorexia and spent some time in hospital and gained the weight back I had lost, but I did it too quickly and I was just like, so disgusted at how my body looked."

He sighed and took a second to wipe his tears away, thankful that Harry had not let go of his hand.

"When I got home I then started spiralling about our relationship again and, like I had read this thing on twitter about if you're really hungry you can eat and then like go and be sick and it didn't count as calories. So, I started doing that for a while then, it was easier to leave the house and pretend to all my mates that I was fine then because I was pretending that I was. So, we'd all go out, I'd only have shots, nothing with sugar in it at all. Then if we ate out I'd just go to the bathroom and like get rid of it."

You're disgusting, Harry is going to hate you

"But then I was using it as like punishment too, I got better for a while 'cause I'd like, be with people, they would feed me and I couldn't find an excuse or a chance to go to the bathroom and so I would let myself eat for a bit. But then whenever I would have feelings for you, I-I'd just purge my guts out."

Louis let his tears fall harder, he is going to lose Harry now.

"I've gotten better over the last year or so, especially since I went to see a different specialist that told me it's not uncommon when you're not technically anorexic anymore, you can revert into bulimia. Then a little while ago I got told to take this test and go see a psychologist because they think that I have b-bipolar. But I was too scared to go back for the results, fucking pussy I am. I just don't want medication, I'm worried it'll like fuck up the way my brain works and writes songs. But, yeah like, I think I'm getting better though, like yeah I'm still not eating a lot but I haven't successfully purged in like a month, s-so I think I'm getting better"

Harry was sobbing quietly, his eyes never leaving Louis face and he felt terrible.

"I-I know this is a lot to take in Harry, I don't blame you if you think I'm disgusting or-"Harry finally broke his silence at that

"Lou, I love you so much. I am never going to not want to be with you, and I absolutely do not think you're disgusting. Quite the opposite actually, I think you're the bravest and most beautiful person I've ever known"