My Lavender - Hyunlix

12

As usual, nothing exciting happens during school hours, but this morning I still have the feeling that more people are looking at me weirdly and talking to each other about me behind my back. I try to ignore it for the most part, but I'd still like to know what's going on this time, it's the same as always. I walk to my school locker before I get to the cafeteria to put away my school books because I have to dance afterwards and when I just opened my locker I immediately notice a piece of paper lying in the locker so I pick it up and have a quick look around but don't see anyone suspicious. I open the letter and read the lines carefully:

'I told you I'm going to make your life a living hell, get ready. fag'

Without having to think twice about from who the note could be from, I know exactly that it comes from Timo and now I also have an assumption as to why more and more students are looking at me so strangely.. what if Timo started telling around that I'm gay ? It can only be hours or days before the whole school knows about it and until my friends know about it.. Why was I so stupid and thought that Timo wouldn't do something like that? Why did I hope that he would change? I put my books in my locker and put the note in my pocket and then walk out of school, I'm just going to call sick for the rest of the day. Since I don't like to be alone in my current condition, I call my mother to ask her if she could come by. I try not to cry but my voice has probably sounded shaky and my mother noticed this, which is why she immediately got into the car and after about an hour the doorbell rang and my worried mother immediately hugged me . ,,Oh Felix, what happened?'' she asks scared. She hasn't seen me cry in a long time and I couldn't talk about it on the phone. ,,timo is here" I begin and my mother immediately looks at me confused. ,,timo? The one from your old school?'' I nod. ,,Oh baby, I'm so sorry. But maybe he has changed and recognized his mistakes and you now have such great friends by your side'' I haven't told my mother about everything that happened between us on the class trip. I take the note out of my pocket and give it to my mother without saying a word. She reads it through and then hugs me again. I need this right now - just someone to hold me in their arms without saying or asking anything of me. Since Timo has been back I've often had nightmares or flashbacks from before, when I was bullied so badly that I ran home crying every day or did something worse to myself. I don't want this to develop like this again, I just want to finally be able to be happy. After I've calmed down a bit, I tell my mother about everything that happened on the class trip and also that some students gave me stupid looks today and talked about me behind my back. It's good to talk about it, but I'm incredibly close to tears throughout the whole conversation.

,,Would you like some tea?'' she asks me and gets up from the couch to go to the kitchen. ,,I'd be happy to" wait until she has boiled the water and comes back with two cups of tea to sit next to me again. ,,Do your friends know about it?'' ,,No, and I want it to stay that way. Sooner or later they will find out anyway, but I'm scared of their reactions', I confess. I don't tell her that Hyunjin herself hates gays, otherwise she would think I would take me straight back home and I would like to enjoy as much time with Hyunjin as possible. The next few weeks will be a nightmare anyway.

,,I understand but if something is wrong, then please let me know right away, okay?'' I nod and give her a short smile before I start sipping my tea. As I calm down more and more, my mother keeps talking to me about what it's like to live with a puppy. She said he was just as exhausting as I was when I was a little kid, which makes me laugh a bit. I remember how happy she was when I finally calmed down as a kid and now she has a little dog at home that is just as exhausting, poor thing. I've already met the dog and I have to say that I didn't find him tiring at all, but maybe that was because I only saw him for a few hours and my mother spends 24/7 with him. It's good to have my mother with me, even as a small child she was always there for me and protected and supported me wherever she could, I can always rely on her, my mother means the world to me.