Ashes in the Darkness

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           Andrews Air Force base was like many of the other bases that I had been to, the barracks were large and multilevel, there was the armory and security forces squadron as well at the maintenance buildings, admin building, mess hall, a few recreational buildings... then there were the several military hangars and tarmacs that had every kind of airborne military equipment from jets to helos.

"We set you up in one of the guest barracks, you'll have your own space but share a bathroom," Kate said. How wonderful, my own prison cell. "There should be some standard pajamas, shirts, and cargos in there waiting for you."

I walked up to what looked like a college dorm and she swung open the door, the room was as close to my old room back in Oklahoma, a twin-size cot, and a desk. The bathroom door remained closed. Some basic army green bedding and clothes laid out on the bed; I remembered the very first time I entered my air force base housing in Oklahoma. This was one of the reasons that I had chosen the air force in the first place, I got my own room. The Air Force was, for some reason, treated a little differently than the Marines, Navy, and Army, even the Coast Guard made their recruits live together. Air Force bases were much more of a luxury. I tried to keep that in mind as I sat my bag on the ground and pulled out the cell phone, I hadn't turned on in three years.

"It's like I'm eighteen again," I said looking down at the screen. Kate stood in the doorway looking at me, "I haven't flown in three years, how am I supposed to go directly into an operation tomorrow morning?"

She stood still for a very long time before shifting her weight and releasing a controlled sigh, "Jamie."

"I just don't understand this blind trust you have in me, Laswell,"

"You don't need to," her voice was annoyed but her eyes were hiding something. Meeting her gaze with a distrust that only seemed to grow, I realized that she was keeping things from me. Finally, she handed over my file, which I took as a sign of truce, "you won't be flying tomorrow, we'll start easy and get you back in touch with your instincts..." she breathed, "Captain Price will sign off on you being operation ready and we will go from there."

"And if I am never operation ready?"

"The cells of a military prison are much less private than this room, Jamie," she said, beginning to close the door behind her. "And a court martial carry much less opportunity."

...........................................................

The sound of my phone going off next to me was foreign, but I had not slept the entire night, so the sound was nothing but a break in the silence of my dark room. 4:15am, the same time I got up to go listen to the birds only a few days before. I looked at my body in the mirror, was I still even the same woman who had woken up in the middle of the night to two mysterious helicopters flying around above me? My eyes had somehow changed. I entered the bathroom, hoping whoever was in the other dorm room connected to the bathroom didn't need to use it. I stripped off the clothes I had been wearing on the flight and entered the shower, not even allowing the water to warm up.

I wasted no time scrubbing away, aware that I was tired and on the verge of tears. God, how had things come to this? I had spent the last three years happy, hiding from my demons. Alone. Unobserved by the rest of the world. Now, it was like I had died and stepped back into another person's shoes, feeling the weight of that person on my bare shoulders. It was torturous.

The shower was short, as was dressing and pulling my hair into a military style bun. I remembered how to do that well. Before I left I looked down at the items of clothing that had been given to me, they were only cargos and t-shirts. D.C. was cold, albeit less cold than the northern Montana winter, but I couldn't go out in just a t-shirt. I searched around the room looking for a possible OCP jacket they may have left me, but I found nothing.