Better Off Alone (BOOK 1)(Wattys 2016)

When Do I Ever Know Where I'm Headed?

Monday at school I search out Larkin, but I can't find him anywhere among the other students.I slip out of the early morning assembly and sneak through the hallways, not wanting to get caught. I search around the rooms near his locker, hoping to find him, but no such luck.

After our kiss on Saturday we never got the opportunity to talk and I didn't have his number so I couldn't text him. I had felt that Something again and I want to keep feeling it.

I get the feeling he wants to too.

As a last resort I check the school library. I still can't find him though, until, as I'm leaving the library I hear someone say his name.

"Larkin." It's followed by a giggle.
I go to the biography section, following the sounds of the voice.

"Larkin?" I called out.

The giggles stopped and so did the slight movement I'd been hearing before. A head popped above one of the lower shelves. It was Zara Tylerson, a girl in the grade below us. She was a cheerleader, I think and extremely beautiful. Her hair is ruffled and her lip gloss a little messy.

"Oh, hi, Zara. I was just looking for Larkin Knight. Have you seen him?"

Zara smirks at me and I'm a little confused until she looks to the ground beside her. "Yeah, he's right here."

Larkin slowly appears next to her and if I knew what was for my own good I would run right now, but I don't. I stand there, gaping.

"Larkin?" I question, as if I don't recognize her.

Larkin runs a hand through his hair haphazardly. "Gemma, let me explain."

I shake my head. "You have got to be kidding me. How the hell could you do this? Even after Eddie and your stupid, hollow promises." I back away from him and then run from the library, not exactly sure where I'm headed.

When do I ever know where I'm headed?

I run through the school, until I find an abandoned bathroom that's usually not used by many students since its on the third floor. My breathing is ragged and my thoughts are muddled, but one stands out clearly.

I'm so stupid. I'm so so stupid.

***

I'm not quite sure how it works, but Olive, Macey and even Clive, find me in that abandoned bathroom. It's almost first period when they do, but none of us seems worried about being late. Strange how just last year I was meticulous about my grades and attendance and yet, here I am this year fawning over boys and attending parties.

None of them says anything at first; they just sit there with their backs pressed against the wall right along with me. I'm not crying. Somehow I can't muster the tears. All I feel is stupid and ashamed. I can't believe I read into Larkin's promises. Obviously he's not the type to be serious when it comes to girls. I see him all the time leading girls on, just for a good time. What did I expect? Him to change for me? Of all people, me?!

"I'm an idiot." I shake my head, finally in the mood to talk to them.

Olive frowns, leaning into me slightly as we sit on the probably dirty floor. Who am I kidding? It's definitely dirty. "You're not an idiot, Gem. You're many things, but an idiot isn't one of them."

A hollow laugh escapes my lips. "Yes, I am. Two boys have seemed to get my mood sour within less than a week."

Clive stiffens. "Wait, this is about a boy?"

Macey rolls her eyes, slapping him lightly on the arm. "Duh, Clive. Get with it."

Clive shakes his head, looking at me. "What happened, Gemmie?"

Something in my heart softens at the familiar endearment that I only allow my family to use as a nickname. Not even my friends call me that and somehow it makes me realize that I'll always have people who love me no matter how stupid I am. "I thought Larkin felt Something for me."

Olive shakes her head. "And he's stupid if he doesn't."

"And Zara is a bitch anyway." Macey says snidely, making a face that almost makes me laugh. Almost.

I look at her surprised. "How do you know he was with Zara?"

She looks embarrassed, but only for a minute. "Uh, it may have spread around the school some that you yelled at Larkin."

Olive looks at the floor and adds to Macey's comment . "Larkin may have also mentioned something about the wedding."

I feel my face fall. Not that damned wedding again. "I'm guessing it wasn't a stellar testimonial to the events of that oh so blessed night?"

Macey makes a face. "Not exactly. He may or may not have mentioned how easy it was to get you to... put out... once you were drunk. And, I know this isn't a good excuse, but it could just be a rumor. I'm not saying he actually said the second part."

I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose with irritation. "It doesn't really matter. It all starts with him talking about the wedding, doesn't it?"

No one speaks for a moment and then, Clive is moving around excitedly, waving his hands some as he talks. "Alright, I have an idea and you're all going to agree with me because you have no other option."

Macey, Olive and I exchange a weird glance, unsure of where this is going.

Clive continues, "We're gonna skip school and have some fun."

"What?! No, way. I have practically perfect attendance and I'm not skipping school." I cross my arms, knowing it's foolish to skip school over stupid rumors.

Macey arches an eyebrow at me. "Babe, come on. It's just school and we're seniors. Don't sweat it."

I think about it for a moment and realize I really don't want to sit in classes all day, analyzing the kitchen moment with Larkin and now the library too. And then, on top of that, face him in English.

A grin spreads across my face and a giggle bubbles up within me. "Alright, let's do this."

***

We settle on going to the Laser Tag place about twenty minutes from our school. Clive drives us in the jeep and we ride with the music blaring and the wind blowing all around us. Somehow, I'm able to let it all escape: my emotions, my regrets and my shame. I let it fly behind and I laugh with my best friends.

After Laser Tag we get ice cream and walk the boardwalk, not giving a damn about where we should and shouldn't be. Sure, we don't do anything spectacular, but I'm pretty positive it's one of the best days of my life.

More than anything, I realize that it is exactly what I need.

To be with those who love me and who don't judge me for realizing how much better I am without a damned love interest.

Around noon we settle in the sand of the beach, our feet in the very edge of the sea line. Occasionally the water from the ocean comes up in waves, lapping against our bare feet. The sun beats down on us and I look across at my girlfriends and brother.

"Hey, guys?" They look at me and I press on. "Can we do this every day?"

They smile, nodding and agreeing. Inside I know it's not even a possibility, but I ignore that fact. And I dream about a world where everything is this simple.

A world where all one needs is simplicity.