ROLLERCOASTERS

Jealousy Jealousy

Jealousy is a fire fuelled by selfishness but put off by genuine love

-Christine Reginald-Ukwuoma

Was I getting jealous of my sister that was struggling for life in a hospital bed? How did I get so angry at someone that had no control over the things I accused her of? How could she be so perfect? I wish I could live her life while she was in her coma, is it selfish for me to wish that for myself? What is wrong with me? Why am I such a horrible person? I don't deserve anything that Dior has in life, she deserves all the good things she has, I'm a jealous fool to even think of taking it away from her.

"Umm... earth to Elisabelle...", Diaz said loudly as he snapped his fingers to get back my attention.

"Ohh... Elisabelle Phillips reporting for duty!" I said with a wide grin.

"Where were you just now? What were you thinking of?"

"Nothing, just um... issues at home. Sorry for interrupting you, please go on. You were in love with my sister...". I waved my hands back and forth signaling him to go on. He gave me his dead Diaz stare and said,

"I never said anything about being in love with anyone, Dior's like a sister to me. Tell me what's going on with you, El!", he held my hand to make me more comfortable.

"Should I tell you what I was thinking about?" l watched as he nodded his head in anticipation, I took a deep breath in and out and proceeded.

"The thing is, I know we all miss my sister. She was... is truly a spectacular human being, I know. But whenever you guys tell me how much you miss her and how much you'd do anything for her... It makes me feel like some sort of a charity case. I know it's selfish to think this way, I miss her so much too, but... I don't know... just don't bother about it, okay?", I removed my hand from his, rested my jaw on my right hand, then looked away from him. He pushed my face gently to make eye contact with him and he said,

"El, you're not a charity case, I am not here right now because Dior would want me to be here. I'm here because I love YOU. I do. Like I really really do!" Those last words were like electricity flowing through my entire body in a second. From my jaw, his hand slowly moved to hold my cheeks. His hands were so soft, while making eye contact with him, I noticed his thick brown eyes. Silence followed as I could no longer find myself while looking into his beautiful eyes. Something happened to me, I couldn't process the feelings I felt. 

Why did my chest suddenly start pounding from the skipping of my heartbeat? Why did my palms become sweaty and my hands begin to shake? However, what I did know clearly and vividly was that they were nothing like what I felt for Adrian. I felt a deeper connection and stronger bond with this boy. I didn't know what to say, but really, was there anything that needed to be said? Why couldn't we just get lost in each other's eyes and be so overwhelmed with each other that nothing else mattered? But the impossibilities greatly outweighed the possibilities of that love story. Did I just say love story? Was I falling in love with Diaz? I'm so not thinking right now. Of course, I'm still deeply and irrevocably in love with Adrian... or am I? What is happening to me? I didn't come here to be thinking about how I may or may not be in love with a boy, I came here to clear my head from the problems at home, not to add new ones to the equation. I was so overpowered by the powerful emotions in my head that I hardly noticed the sea of tears that built up in my eyes. I slowly removed his hand from my face and interlocked his fingers with mine, I took in a deep breath, released, and said,

"I don't know what's happening to me honestly. You tell me you love me, and I just don't know how to respond. I'm sorry but... I just don't know how to reply to you right now, Diaz. Thanks for always making me feel better but there are just so many things going on at home. I got into this huge fight with my mom, I said really mean things that I didn't mean to her and I don't even know how to solve everything. As much as I would love to continue this conversation, I don't think I can." The sea of tears had rapidly turned into a high current river as it ran down my cheeks. Then I left his hand, I stood up to leave the restaurant.