Too Flawed To Fix

CHAPTER 3

It was the tears that helped me sleep. If crying did not exhaust me, I would probably stay up all night with open eyes.

Ramdam ko pa ang pamamaga ng mga mata habang wala sa sariling nakatitig sa kawalan. The tears would fall from time to time and my hand would automatically wipe it away. Like a robot programmed to do actions.

Isang beses lang nilang ginawa iyon. Pero sa isang beses na iyon, halos durugin ang buong pagkatao ko. Watching him do that with someone else tore me apart. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop begging for them to stop but they didn't. He didn't.

He wanted to inflect a deeper pain. He chose not to hurt me with something that will eventually heal. He decided to attack me like a cancer— slowly developing, severing my cells, until my body would not be able to fight. That is how he chose to kill me.

Matapos nilang gawin iyon ay umalis din agad ang babae. She even had the guts to smile at me, as if she did not witness me beg them to stop. After that, Tristan fell asleep naked. He was exhausted and drunk, while I stayed minutes crying while watching him.

I couldn't bring myself to sleep next to him. I couldn't bring myself to sleep on the same room. The same room where they did that. Nang kumalma ay lumabas agad ako para doon sa kabilang kuwarto ipagpatuloy ang pag-iyak.

This is more painful than I thought. I was afraid that he will hurt me, or he'll do something that will result him ending up on jail. I expected his harsh words. I expected each condemning stares. After all, I deserve every ounce of it. But I did not expect the other things he did.

I expected him to push me away. However, he did not. Instead, he punished me with something that he is so sure will never let me sleep. Ang akala ko ay itataboy niya ako at hihiling na huwag nang magpakita sa kaniya. Pero hindi.

I should be glad that I still get to see him. I want to be happy. That at least, the thing I was so afraid of did not happen. But how can I? I cannot go on fooling myself. What he did was torture.

Tumayo ako at pinilit na ayusin ang sarili. Sinuklay ko ang magulong buhok bago lumabas para tumungo sa kusina.

The house is still quiet. Hindi ko alam kung naroon pa siya sa kuwarto o umalis na para sa trabaho. Mataas na rin ang araw. Siguro ay magtatanghali na.

Nasagot ang katanungan ko nang biglang bumukas ang pintuan sa kuwarto namin. Lumabas siyang walang pang-itaas at sapo pa ang ulo.

Knowing him, he's probably gonna have a bad hangover. Kaya hindi siya laging nag-iinom dahil sumasakit ang ulo niya pagkatapos.

Nakita niya ako. He stopped for a moment and I expected him to say something. Kaya napakagat na lang ako sa labi nang mag-iwas siya ng tingin saka ako nilampasan.

Dumeretso siya sa ref at naghanap ng makakain doon. Nang makitang wala ay naghatak na lamang siya ng pitsel ng tubig at kumuha ng baso mula sa lamesa.

"Magluluto lang ako," mahina kong sambit at binuksan din ang ref para kumuha ng mailuluto roon.

"Wala akong gana," malamig niyang tugon na siyang nagpatigil sa akin.

I turned to see him. Nakatalikod siya sa akin at mahigpit na hawak ang baso na pinag-inuman ng tubig.

"Did you really have to do that?" Mapait kong tanong.

Hinarap niya ako, malamig ang mga mata. "Did what?"

I wished he only he said that because he does not remember what he did. I wished he was too drunk last night to even remember how I cried and begged him. I would take that. I'm willing to forget anything that happened. I'm willing to bury the pain.