Too Flawed To Fix

CHAPTER 5

TW: SENSITIVE CONTENT AHEAD

It's not that I have a plan to leave. Pero alam ko ang ibig niyang sabihin. I am not allowed to even step out of the door. I am bound to stay inside and wait for him, like a prisoner would wait for his visitor. The only difference is that I don't get to stay in a limited space like a room.

Natahimik ako matapos niyang magsalita. It is not that I am trying to find words to reason out. Alam kong kung ano man ang sasabihin niya, gagawin at susundin ko. If he wants me to stay home, and if that will satisfy him, I would. Gladly.

Siguro ay iyon na lang ang nakikita kong paraan para maibsan ng kahit kaunti ang galit niya sa akin. If I would be submissive, maybe that would soften him. Sana.

Wala rin naman akong kailangang labasin. I rarely go out, even before, kaya hindi magiging mahirap iyon. My family won't be suspicious since they rarely check up on me. Si Nami siguro, puwede ko namang hanapan ng paraan kung gusto niyang makipagkita. Pero sa tingin ko naman ay magiging abala siya sa business niya.

A feeling of guilt crept in me when I thought of them. Wala ni isa sa kanila ang nakakaalam sa pinagdadaanan ko. Wala rin akong planong sabihin. If I could take this to my grave, I would. Pero alam ko rin namang hindi maaari iyon. I cannot hide the baby from them, once it's out. Eventually, they'll know. I'll let time inform them for me.

Ni wala pa akong plano. My life entered a pause when I found out I was pregnant. I don't even know what I feel about the child. Sure, I'm not delighted. I do not want it. However, I don't have the audacity to kill it.

Wala namang kasalanan ang bata. He's just too unfortunate to be conceived through this, and through me.

Ni hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin sa oras na maipanganak siya. Hindi ko alam kung paanong pagpapalaki ang gagawin ko. If it's Tristan's, I wouldn't even get lost. Pero hindi. Sira na ang planong iyon.

"Eat." His cold voice pulled me from my thoughts.

I already forgot the last time I felt warm through his voice. He used to have the sweet sound, until I fucked up.

If only there's a restart button for all these. I would rewrite everything. I would know what would happen and will avoid it. But life's a continuous struggle, without turning point. We can’t just turn around and erase our mistakes so it would be better. We can never undo things.

Tinatagan ko ang sarili at sinalubong ang mga mata niyang halos hindi ko na makilala. The warmth was not there anymore. If there was, it was from the fire brought by anger and resentment.

I ignored my trembling hands and stared at him more. Kahit sa ganoong paraan na lang, matitigan ko siya ulit nang matagal.

Mapait akong napangiti nang mapansing bahagyang nangingitim ang ilalim ng mga mata niya. I'd like to think that it's because he thought of me late at night, but I also remember watching him sleep after sleeping with someone else.

"Kung hindi ako aalis ng bahay, hindi ka na ba ulit magdadala ng babae dito?"

I didn't know where I got the strength to ask. But when I saw him grimacing, I knew I pushed the wrong button.

Napalunok agad ako nang makita ang disgusto sa mga mata niya.

"Who are you to tell me what to do?"

Sa sobrang hina at bagal ng pagkakasabi niya no'n, akala ko ay pagbubuhatan niya ako ng kamay. Mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata para paghandaan ang pagmamalupit niya pero hindi iyon dumating.

"You think you get to tell me what to do? After what you did, you really think I'll waste my time listening to you? Moreover, follow you?" He spatted with venom in his voice.