Too Flawed To Fix

CHAPTER 6

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto o oras akong nanatili sa kama, nakatagilid at nakatulala. I couldn't bring myself to move an inch. I stayed still, like a statue, nonchalant of my nakedness.

Nagpatuloy sa pag-agos ang luha ko pero halos hindi ko na ramdam iyon. I only feel disgusted. Again. I feel disgusted of myself.

I feel like the world had stopped, like it always do when I'm in pain. But I know better. I know that it will never stop, or even take a pause for me. Kahit patayin ko ang sarili sa pagmamakaawa na tumigil ito, hinding-hindi ito makikinig.

I want someone or something to blame for all of these misfortunes. I don't deserve any of this. Here is life being unfair to me again. But then again, I know better. I know that life is always unfair. Life is a cycle of suffering I have to get through. If I want to survive, moreover, to be happy, I have to move. I have to do something about it. Happiness is not a ready-to-serve food. You have to be your own chef, and it depends on you if it will come out tasty or not.

Kung puwede lang maging sahog o pampalasa ang luha ko para makamit ang kasiyahan, wala sana akong pakialam kung ilang balde ng luha ang mailabas ko araw-araw. Pero hindi. Lolokohin ko lang ang sarili ko.

And will happiness be ever possible for me? Sirang-sira na ako, na maging ako mismo ay ayaw nang ipaglaban ang sarili. I'm too broken to even think that I can be fixed. Kahit bandage o tahi, hindi na makakaayos sa akin.

Pandidiri na lang ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Pandidiri sa sarili dahil muli na naman akong nagalaw. At mahirap mang isipin at mas lalong mahirap tanggapin pero kailangan dahil iyon ang totoo. Hindi asawa ko ang nakagalaw sa akin kung hindi ang papa niya.

I wonder what my past life did to deserve this? Or maybe, there are just individuals who have a share of the devil's blood?

I smirked in my thoughts. I'm more convinced of the latter. Besides, I don't believe in reincarnation. I know, on top of that, that I did no mistake. I merely dreamed of a good life with Tristan. Perhaps, a perfect marriage life with him. Or maybe that was my mistake?

Could a person dream or desire be ever a mistake? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe if you had erroneous ways to achieve it.

I forced myself up. Halos hatakin ko na lang ang sarili patungo sa banyo. Maging sa pag-abot ng tuwalya para takpan ang sarili, hinang-hina ako.

I can't let Tristan see me this way. Hindi puwedeng maabutan niya ako sa ganoong sitwasyon. He'll be suspicious, and that's the last thing I want right now.

Kaya lang, pagpatak pa lang ng tubig sa ulo ko ay siya ring pagpatak ng luha mula sa aking mga mata. My tears streamed as I harshly rubbed my skin, hoping that Tito Laurence's mark, and all the print of his touch and kisses leave me.

Guilt washed over me as the experience repeated in my head, like a rat running in circles. My eyes started to sting and I fell on my knees, tears falling profusely.

"I'm sorry..." hikbi ko na para bang maririnig iyon ni Tristan.

I stayed there for minutes, soothing my soul until my eyes got tired. Mabilis kong tinapos ang pagligo at madali ring nagpalit ng damit.

Napakagat ako sa pang-ibabang labi nang matanaw ang kama. I saw blood on the sheets, from my wound. Dinampot ko agad iyon para labhan upang walang matirang ebidensiya.

Small drops of blood from my fresh wound trickled when I started washing the stain. Humalo iyon sa tubig habang paulit-ulit kong kinukuskos ang natuyo nang dugo sa kumot. I managed to clean the fabric just enough to omit any suspicion. May natira pa ring marka roon nang pinatuyo ko pero hindi na agad na mapapansin.