The Lily Underground

28.

11 years ago

"Honey don't forget your lunch, it's in the fridge" - my mom was in the kitchen while I was getting ready for school.

"Mom I don't want to bring the lunch you made, to school can't you just give me some money?" - all the other kids would just buy from the canteen and here is my mom making me the most boring lunches ever.

"Yeah no that's not going to happen Miya I made lunch and you are bringing it with you whether you like it or not, either you stay hungry or you bring this with you" - she handed me the lunch box.

"Ughh mom why do you have to be like that, you are so irritating can't you just be like the other parents", I said in frustration and threw the box in my bag.

- That day I wish it had gone more different, I wish that thirteen year old me had acted different but real life is never like that, you can't foresee the future and there for not choose how you act based on the future,  you can only live with the consequences of choices you took in the past and hope that you are right about how the future is going to turn out.

School went by quick and as I was packing my pencils and books in my backpack mom called,

"Miya when will you be home?, I was thinking maybe we should make dinner together plus I'm, at the grocery store, so I can buy what ever we need"

Mom used to do this about once a month she would buy the stuff we needed for dinner and we would together cook the dish we wanted - but that day was different.

"yeah mom Sandra and I are going to eat pizza at the restaurant nearby to the school"

"How did you get money to buy pizza?"

"well Sandra has money and we are just buying one pizza"

My mom took a deep breath and I could hear how disappointed she was

"Miya we had agreed to have family dinner once a month"

"Mom stop it I am going out Sandra we can have dinners another time plus what family are you talking about? It's only you and me that's not a family!"

I didn't let my mom respond before I ended the call.

---

It must have been 6pm when thirteen year old me was done eating pizza, with a Sandra I no longer remember. Looking back I don't even remember how Sandra looked. That day the buss was late, I had stood waiting for the bus for over half an hour and by the time a bus arrived I looked like a wet dog.

My mom hadn't called me after our little dispute and I didn't try calling her either to let her know I was coming home.

Opening the front door the first thing that hit me was the silence and how cold it felt. You see my mom had this effect , she would light up any room she was in and make it feel warm, she made it feel like home.

"Mom I'm home" - I said out loud so she could hear me, but no one responded.

"Okay mom I am sorry I talked to you like that but me a.." I stopped talking

Cause well, cause I found my mom but that wasn't my mom well that's not true it was my mom but not how I remembered. The woman I remembered as my mother had rosy cheeks her lips the same, but now looking at her the rosy tint on her face was gone and instead she was surrounded by a pool of blood.

I wish I could tell you how I reacted to finding my mom dead, but truth is I no longer remember much of that day at least not what happened after I found my mom. All I remember now is the guilt left in me from that day.

I wish I had told my mom, how much she meant to me that I loved her but all of that was too late my mom was gone.

The only thing I hope for now is that my mom didn't doubt my love to her that she hopefully knew I loved her, but the fact that the last thing I told my mother was that we weren't family, well that will forever be what I regret most in life.