Taylor Swift / Kaylor - Begin Again

Chapter Twenty

Ellie's POV

Here I am, one week later, sat in the waiting room at the place Taylor had me referred for therapy. After learning about the dark time Taylor went through and how she got through it, I realised that she was right and that maybe I should get some professional help. I'd already been diagnosed in the past, but all they done was stick me on a load of medication, if I ever missed one day of it, then I would literally be all over the place and go completely of the rails, which obviously isn't good. I knew I needed to learn coping mechanisms and recover from all of this. I couldn't live my life like this. I want to be happy. So I guess today is day one of a new me. I hope.

I was so nervous. I just couldn't stop shaking. Taylor was set next to me and she was holding one of my hands to help stop me from shaking and calm me down.

"You'll be okay." She whispers to me.

"Promise?" I asked desperately. The nervousness evident in my voice.

"I promise." Taylor said back then stroked the back of my hand. It's like she just somehow knew it calmed me!

My heart just couldn't stop pounding though, I was about to meet a complete stranger and open up to them. Was I even ready for this? Would I ever be ready? I mean it is a massive step, trusting someone enough, who you just met and telling them about how you feel. Would they judge me? I know they're not supposed to, but what if they do? What if they secretly think I'm crazy, which they probably will. God, if only I could just think logically for one minute and not otherthink every stupid thing.

"Ellie Swift?" A young woman called out. She was young, like maybe mid 20s, tall, slim, brown hair with a tint of red. She looked like a really nice person and I secretly prayed that she was my therapist and not just someone that called out names.

"Good luck sweetie, you'll be okay. I'll be right out here." Taylor hugged me and kissed me on the cheek before I walked in to the room.

"Hi I'm Alexandra, you can call me Alex though." The lady said with a warm smile on her face. I just smiled at her. I've never been good at meeting strangers. It scares me. A lot.

We walked over to the seats and I sat down opposite her. I nervously played with my hands and finger while anxiety filled me up inside. My chest felt so tight. My heart was racing. I couldn't help how nervous I was, nothing could control it.

"So how are you?" Alex asked me.

Apart from the frequent panic attacks, the constant fear that my dad is gonna get me. The urge to hurt myself and die. The fear of sleeping, the fear getting close to anyone. The flashbacks of everything bad that's everything that's happened. The desperated wish to see my mom and brother again and for them to be alive. "I'm fine." I said unconvincingly. Lying has never been something I'm good at, ever.

"Tell me how you really feel." She says. She waited patiently. She didn't push me, I guess she understood how hard it was.

"I don't know anymore. Weak, numb, lifeless. I don't have motivation for anything. My head feels like it's all over the place."

"How else?"

"Like a burden. Taylor is so amazing to me, and no matter how many times she says none of this is my fault, there's a voice at the back of my head saying that it is. I caused all this. If I had just brung Luke inside with me to get some money, he never would have crossed that road, none of this would've happened. My childhood would've been a good one, I wouldn't be so messed up and I never would've been in care." I cried all of a sudden. Spilling out all the guilt that I had felt for years.

"But you've now met Taylor, and you're living with her. I know what happened was traumatic and should never have happened, but now you've met Taylor and you have another chance at life now that she's adopted you."

"I guess. But I'm such a burden on her. She's this massive star and I'm just some messed up kid taking up her time."

"If Taylor minded about all that, I doubt she'd never have adopted you. She's more understanding than you think."

"I guess. But that thought is always there." I sighed.

"I need you ask you some questions now, they're quite sensitive topics, but it's a policy to ask you as they're for your safety."

"Okay." I gulped back the lump in my throat and felt my heart rate increase again as I waited for these questions.

"Do you self harm?"

"Yes." I sighed back.

"When was the last time you did?"

"Last week. Taylor walked in on my doing it." I said with a hint of guilt in my voice.

"Do you still get suicidal thoughts? As it says in our notes that you have overdosed before."

"Yea I do."

"Have you acted on them recently?"

"Only a few days before Taylor adopted me. But not since then. But before that I had about twice."

"Okay." Alex said while writing stuff down on her notepad. I went back to anxiously picking at my fingers. Why am I opening up to a complete stranger? God Ellie, you idiot. They're gonna think you're crazy

"So, I guess what we're gonna do is suggest different types of therapy for you to find one that will suit you and cater your needs."

"Mhm."

"Although for some types there are long waiting lists. But I don't think it'd be suitable to make you wait for a long time so maybe we could find something more urgent for you."

"Yep." I muttered. Surely I'm beyond help by now.

Alex carried on asking me questions and I just kept giving short blunt answers. My mood had been brung right down all of a sudden and I just really couldn't be bothered anymore. They may as well spend their time on someone worthy of help.

After about another 45 minutes the session was over. I sighed in relief and went back outside to Taylor.

The car ride back was filled with my head swimming with thoughts. Should I accept the help? But I'm past help. But I don't wanna let Taylor down. But I don't wanna be a burden on Taylor. I should just die.

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Sorry for the late update, and for it being such a rubbish update. After the 1st of July I'll be able to update more because I'll be on the summer holiday from college and that means lots of writing