RETURN TO ME

Promises

When we walked back to my hotel room and Yibo kissed me goodbye, I began to panick mentally.  I was not ready to have him out of my sight. I still felt like all this was unreal. I want to spend more time with him, and us parting now does not feel good.

So I decided to confirm for myself once again that it's all real, and he does indeed love me in that way.

I kissed him.

When he invited me to his room, I couldn't refuse because I wanted to be close to him.

My body feels tired. It has been a long day emotionally, but I am happy it all happened. Going back to the past to address everything and talk through it all, took everything out of me. I know there are still more things to iron out as we move forward, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

I am not at a place where I can say I 100% trust Yibo. Listening to him speaking earlier made me realize that I really don't know him that well. He kept so much from me, some parts I understand some parts I don't. I know with time, all that hurt will fade away. Right now, I am choosing to love him and let him love me.

The shower was nice and relaxing, but now I can not even keep my eyes open....

I jolted awake from another nightmare, this time, it's how we found each other at the mall, but when I hugged him, he slowly vanished out of my arms. Panick filled my heart again. I looked over and found Yibo still peacefully sleeping. Without thinking, I reached for him and hugged him.

"Hey, wants wrong?" He said half asleep

"Nothing is wrong." I said, still panting from the nightmare.

"Did you have a nightmare or something?" I nodded into his shoulder.

He sat up and pulled me on to his lap.

"Tell me about it, it might help to talk about it."

"They happen a lot, so I got tired of talking about them. Now I just deal with them."

"Please tell me, huh, maybe I can help?" His voice is so gentle and full of worry. I could feel I was about to start crying again.

"In all the dreams I had of you, you were always beyond my reach. Every search ended with you fading away from me. For 6 years, all the dreams I had of you ended as nightmares. I always wished that I could sleep without dreaming about you, but if I didn't, I always get sad because then I would miss you. The one now you vanished in my arms when I tried to hug you. It feels like I am trying to hold on to something that's not mine."

When I looked at his face, I realized that he was crying. He also had a very pained look on his face.

"I am so sorry, Zhan. I promise I will spend every day of my life making up for all the pain that I put you through. I was stupid then, and I won't repeat any of those mistakes ever again."

He hugged me tightly, and from his shoulders shaking, I could tell he was crying. I also started crying because I realized that we have both suffered in the years we were apart.

It's time to end all the pain and start making new memories now. If we keep going back to the past like this, we will keep scratching old wounds, and they will keep bleeding.

"Yibo, I have an idea. How about we don't keep looming over the past. I want to make epic memories on this trip with you. I go back to China in less than 2 weeks, and I want the memories we make to be the things that fairytale are made of, ok!"

"For starters, I will move in with you and stay with you for the remaining days, I wanna fall asleep in your arms and wake up in your arms. I wanna cook together, go on dates together, hold hands, kiss, and.....hold hands." I was turning red from blushing from what I almost said.