learning to fall. ➳ horan. [short story]

Chapter Seven.

*Jean's POV*

We. Were. Kissing. Our lips were both chapped and cracked from the cold night, but it didn't matter because with them working together, they felt smooth. Like the cracks in our lips were made to be filled by eachother. This kiss sent a spark through my body, and while I wanted to enjoy it, there was one thing that was pulling at the back of my mind. I can't let this happen. It just wouldn't be right for him.

With this, I quickly pulled away. I looked up at Niall through my eyelashes and could see a very confused face looking back at me. "Niall, I'm so sorry about that." I said, extremely quiet. "Why are you sorry love? I'm not." He replied back to me, uncertain as to why I'm apologizing, but I could hear the happiness he was trying to mask. It's great that he was happy, but he can't be. He can't be happy with kissing me. He just can't. "Niall, you can't. You can't be happy with me. I'm damaged goods, that's all I've ever been known as, and that's all I'll ever be. I know you think I'm something great, but I promise you I'm not. I've got to go, I'm sorry." I said, and I did the one thing I knew I was good at...

I left. I left him. Standing underneath the streetlight, with more than likely a confused expression hanging on his beautiful face. He doesn't understand that he can't ever feel anything towards me. No one can. The only thing I've ever been is a friend. And I'm fine with that. It fits me. It's who I am. I'm always just the friend.

With this thought, tears started to form pools in my eyes, but I won't let them fall. Strong girls don't cry. And I have learned to be a strong girl, not letting anything break me down. I was too weak before, I can't go back to those ways. 

I don't even know when I started running, but all I know is that I got to my apartment in record time. My legs were killing me when I got there and I was extremely short on oxygen. I decided to be extremely lazy and take the elevator to my apartment floor. Once I reached the white painted door, I opened it, walked inside, closed it, and fell to floor. Again, I refuse to let the tears fall, but I just sat there and stared at the far and distant wall in front of me. 

With me having no intention of moving, I was left with my thoughts. Thoughts of tonight and how wonderful that kiss was. God, he was perfect. Why does he have to be perfect? Damn him. He will never know how much I wanted that kiss to keep going, I really did. But I stopped it for his own good. I was thinking of him and his happiness. He won't be happy with me. I can assure him of that.

With these lingering thoughts of Niall deserving someone so much better, I thought of my past. The pathetic excuse of a family I had, and my one true friend, who didn't intentionally mean to leave me. She had no choice. And it was all my fault. I wish I never met her so she wouldn't have gone through all that.

And with that thought, all the shit she went through, I let the tears fall. They fell hard and fast. I couldn't stop them even when I tried. It's a good thing no one's here to see me. I hate crying in front of other people. It makes me feel even more weak and defenseless than I already am. I may act tough, but like I said, it's just an act.

I don't know how long I sat there crying, but it was definitely a while. I literally cried all the tears out of me and when I decided to get up, my face was dry. I could feel where the tears had run down, but I didn't even try to wipe the residue away because I knew my plans tonight and tomorrow would involve more of them.

*****

I didn't get any sleep last night. I wasn't feeling the whole sleeping thing. Which is weird, because usually when you cry, you feel tired, but that wasn't the case for me. It was like, once I cried all the tears out, I was awakened and refreshed. Though I did nothing of the sorts to support my feelings. No, instead I sat on my couch and just played movie after movie, most of them romantic comedies, but then there was also comedies and complete chick-flicks.