Thoughts/Pensées

May 11th of 2023 // 22h22

My head is messing with me.
And it's him, it's always him. He ruins all my nights. It's always about him.
I want to cry, but it never comes, it can't. I wish I was this emotional person that can cry when she needs. I'm convincing myself about things and stuffs that I'd like to be me, but I'm not these. I wish I was getting over it, but a text changed my life, a conversation changed my vision of him and myself, one gesture changed a whole vision I had of myself, ruined the confidence I was getting step by step. The work I did on myself for month was ruined in fifteen minutes by a hug and a few words that made me hate him. The first time I ever gave a hug on my own for myself was ruined by a mistake I made that I don't even think is as bad as the conversation was. He ruined every confidence I ever had that night, on my birthday party, when I was supposed to be having fun. I wouldn't have done it. He did it for his girlfriend he said. She just wanted us to be good, she wanted a good birthday party for me, and he ruined it. Maybe this is the mistake he made. He could've done it 364 other days in the year, he did it the night I was celebrating my birthday and I hate him for it. It was definitely calculated, he wanted to hit hard, he wanted me to feel the same he felt that day. I felt worse because he thought I was tougher than that. He intimidated me that night.

22h34