Thoughts/Pensées

Dear me, it's about a man

Dear me, it's you,

I'm writing to an eleven years old girl that used to be me. Do you remember when you promised yourself never to cry for a boy ? Well, you did. And I'm as disappointed as you are about it. I am ashamed of myself. You already know him, I'm not going to tell you who it is about, you wouldn't believe, I didn't.

You were full of dreams, projects of life. You're eighteen now. It's an age you always dreamed of. The truth is that it isn't as cool as you thought, you'll discover it on time. You are now less preoccupied by your future, but that's only because you succeeded in being a control freak. You're even more stressed than before, but that's not good stress, that's anxiety, and it's about the people you love, it's about your self hate, and you hate yourself for hating yourself, which makes you hate yourself, and it can go very long this way.

Being a control freak is not a good thing for you, even though you try to live, to lie to yourself about not being hung up, because you are hung up even if you aren't restricted about talking about certain taboo topics like sex and period. Your life is a constant lie to yourself and to the ones you love.

You were accepted in a very good school, and you completely failed your number one, but you don't care about any of that because you feel like you're drowning in your own blood that you and only you let run.

We've always been stuck in those feminist principles, trying to be a role model. And now you just wished you had that man, or another one to comfort you, or just somebody to love.

The truth is that you're not as independent as you thought you were, or as you wish you were. But I think you always knew that, since the moment you fought against your friend for a boy, just in elementary school. Today, we both think it was ridiculous, but I think that I could do it again for true and strong love. You're a desperate lover, and I wish I will accept that one day, that I'll find Prince Charming.

You know the worse ? You had a surprise birthday party organised by your friends for your eighteenth, and you were so happy, until he came. The worst surprise was him. You wanted him there, but throughout the evening, you accepted that he wouldn't be there and even thought it was better this way. But this is the moment he chose to enter the house. You hugged him because you were happy to see him, you know we care too much about hugs, so did he, but he let us hug him anyway. A few minutes later you had a big argument with him and lost him, maybe forever. You confessed so much, you said a lot, so much that he probably will never see you the same ever again. But yet you feel like you didn't say enough of it, and when you see him somewhere you just avoid any contact, even with eyes.

Yes, you lower your eyes to a man, and you are ashamed of this behaviour every time you do it.

But what pisses you the most is that he looks like he's carrying his casual life on like nothing happened when you think about him at least once a day, if it's not all night. You're angry at him because you are too affected : you are emotionally tired and ready to cry whenever you even feel anything, your sleep is haunted by his night face reproaching you what you feel guilty about for months.

You hated that conversation, but now you want more of it.

The only news you hear of him is from his girlfriend your friend who might not know what you feel about the situation, who might not even know if there is a situation, because you told him it was alright and then go and cry in a cold garden for half an hour. Your friends have been seeing you in a state no one has ever seen you in, and you get internally angry because you never wanted anyone to see you this way. You wanted to cry alone and they came, then you realised you needed them despite yourself. You feel like you showed weakness in front of them, but most important, in front of him. You don't feel safe anymore about him and it's killing you softly.

The fact is that you made a huge and very selfish mistake, and you're so mad at yourself and the entire world for it that you just can't let yourself properly live.

You're mad because he used the perfect timing and the perfect words and actions to break you, because he knew you and you feel like he used it against you. Now you can't trust you're own parents, he was so important to you.

He was so important that you are now considering to give up your entire life, including your family and friends, just to avoid him. He definitely has got the power over you and you hate it, you've never hated a situation like this. That's why you're relieved that you're getting a new life after summer.

This man has so much power over you that you hate yourself about it. You feel tricked. I don't think I will trust a man for a long time now.

My internal projects now are to focus on anything else than feelings, men, and anything unhealthy for me. I will do everything to become one of those female role models that we both love, that inspire us.

Some advices for the years, for you and for me : never trust a man, never live for a man, and don't you dare sacrifice anything for a man if you are not sure that you won't ever regret it.

Peace,

You