City Spies Oneshot Collection

Clementine

Clementine's POV

None of the decisions I made were easy. No decisions in this business should be, really.

When Tru proposed that I go undercover in Umbra all those years ago, I knew that there would be a great deal of risk involved. But I also knew that it would be highly effective in investigating Umbra if I succeeded. I also trusted Tru, and thought that if she was suggesting it, there would be a way for it to work out. And there was a way for it to work out, I guess. That way just happens to be in a different universe than the one we're stuck in.

I don't consider my time in Umbra to be a success, exactly. I've had to move the kids all over, and I'm sure Mother really does think I hate him. More than that, really. Mother thinks I was fine with him dying.

I really did want to save him that night, but it was just too dangerous. I certainly would have died, and that wouldn't have done anyone any good. It looked terrible to him, I know, but in the moment I really had no choice.

It was a few days later when I learnt Mother had lived, but I just felt so guilty that I knew I couldn't go back. So I ran. It wasn't the most rational decision, but it's what I did.

I stayed in contact with Tru because I knew it was the right thing to do. If I was going to be undercover in Umbra, even if I was still technically rogue and probably officially considered a defector, I knew that I still had to be passing off some of the intel I got to MI6. Not doing so would make me just as bad as any other Umbra agent, and that's not the kind of person I am.

I could have tried to contact Mother before now, but I didn't know what he would do. Take the kids, then what? Even when I did finally get in contact with him, I went through Monty and Kat. Mostly Kat, though. Even with Monty, there's history. She knew me for ten years before all of this happened. It would only be natural for her to feel betrayed. She has a right to that.

Those five years were hard, but I'm really not the person anyone wants to hear that from. The rest of them probably think I could have avoided all of this if I had wanted to, but I just couldn't have predicted how all this would turn out. No one could have. I didn't plan to wind up as the bad guy here.

And yet, I am the villain to Mother's new kids. I know that. When Robert said he wanted to go live with his father, I told him this. I've kept tabs on him. He's safe with Mother at least. Annie misses him though. I know he misses her too.

We used to all be really close as a family. Mother and I would have to go away for missions, but we used to always come back. I guess I screwed that up for us.

I hate that Mother had to spend five years searching. I should have let him see the kids or something at some point, but that just seemed too risky. He got close to finding us sometimes. I don't know what would have happened if he had. I certainly don't think he would have forgiven me. I wouldn't have forgiven him if our positions were switched. Not that that paints me in a very good light.

Not that I worry about what they're thinking of me anymore. That was only the first few years.

I'm surrounded by truly evil people all of the time now, and it's hard not to see the upsides to it. There's a great deal of pressure to being one of the good guys. In this business, a lot of people are surprised if a good person does something even a little bit questionable, but no one cares when an "evil" person does something good. Usually, that is. Maybe that second part's changed a little. The folks at the FARM were willing to go along with my clues even though they knew I was the one giving them.

I've considered going back to MI6, and I've also considered cutting contact with Tru and going fully into Umbra, but ultimately I know I can't do either. I also can't stay in my current in-between forever. At some point, something has to change. Sending Robert off was the first part of that.

I don't trust MI6, and I certainly don't like them. My feelings toward the service have always been complicated. Not that Umbra or anyone else is doing any better. None of this is black and white, and just presenting it as that I am either good or evil will never make my actions make sense, because I am neither good nor evil. I did join MI6 because I wanted to be one of the good guys, but it never can be that simple. Sometimes we are forced to make hard choices where there is no truly good option. Sometimes every option has a little bit of evil in it.

No one here is perfect, and you can't satisfy everyone. I went rogue, but ultimately, I did what I had to do, and as terrible as they are, there's nothing I can do at this point about the consequences.