Love Me Enough To Hurt Me

Chapter 3: Triggered

It was the next day, and Nailani had begun her sessions with Dr. Robin. She didn't say much, but in her defense, many questions Dr. Robin asked triggered her and brought back memories. Nailani and her older brother were raised by her grandparents.
Her mother had her really young, and she wasn't ready for another child, but their family was very religious and didn't believe in abortions, so both times she got pregnant, she had the baby and went on with her life. She was 8 years old when her mother decided she was ready to be a mother. She had gotten married and was pregnant with her husband's first child. She moved her brother into the house with her new husband but left Nailani with her grandmother. That was the beginning of Nailani's feeling that she wasn't good enough. After taking her older brother and, eventually, her little sister was born, it was like she was invisible. In school, she joined sports clubs and always tried hard because she thought maybe, just maybe, it would get her mother's attention. Even her grandparents started to pay more attention to their other grandchildren.

Dr. Robin ended the session early, realizing Nailani was not ready to talk. Nailani was free to do what she wanted for the rest of the day though she mostly stayed to herself. She spent the day pondering over the triggered memories and if she was making the right choices for her future.

The following day Nailani is brought into her session with Dr. Robin. Upon entering her office, Nailani saw Dr. Robin in her chair with a clipboard. Next to her is a folder Nailani was sure her file was in. She sat in the chase across from Dr. Robin. Not wanting to look at her, she lay down and stared up at the ceiling. She was just ready to go home already. She didn't feel like bringing things back up from her past or the fact that her husband was a whore.

"Good morning Nailani"
Nailani just grunts in reply
"Does this mean you won't be participating in this conversation?"
"Look, I've been through this before, so can we get it over with"
"Yes, I've read your file. This isn't the first time you've harmed yourself."
"Can we just not?" Nailani says
"Do you want to leave this place, Nailani?" Dr. Robin Asks
"DO, I want to be here, no I do not, but I also don't want to do this. I don't want to talk about the loss of my child, I don't want to talk about my sham of a marriage, and I don't want to talk about what brought us here. I don't want to talk about how, after my grandmother died. I got so drunk that I took the wrong pills and almost killed myself."
The tears were running down her face now,
"Well, what do you want to talk about?" Dr. Robin asks, remaining calm
"Nothing. I just want to sit here and look at you," Nailani says sarcastically
"Nailani, I'm here to help you, and I can't do that if you aren't willing to help yourself by participating."
"I already know what you are going to say; my other doctor Diagnosed me with depression after...."
"After the death of grandmother, your first suicide attempt."
"My first attempt was due to the depression, though it was an accident," Nailani says
"Was it?" Dr. Robin asks
"What?"
"Was your first attempt an accident"
"Yes, it was, though no one listened to me when I said I didn't mean to."
"Instead, according to my Psychiatrist, I was depressed; I have been taking Pills for it ever since until I stopped."
"You stopped taking your medication," Dr. Robin Asks
"Yes, Why would I continue taking it? I wasn't getting any better, it made me feel worse, and my husband was still cheating on me."
There was a silent pause as Dr. Robin let Nailani gather her thoughts; she could tell that sharing affected her deeply.
"Did you tell your doctor that the pills made you feel worse?"
"I did, multiple times, but he never listened, just like my family" There was a pause like she wanted to say more but chose not to. Dr. Robin phrased her next question carefully.
    "Do you feel that you are depressed?"
    "I don't know what I feel, Dr. Robin; of course, I'm sad my child died before I could even meet her, the one person who ever believed in me is gone, and I gave my heart to a man that could care less about me."
"You think your husband doesn't care for you."
"How could he? I wasn't able to give him a child; maybe his little mistress will be able to," Nalani says, turning her head to look out the window.
Dr. Robin looked at Nailani and wrote on her pad; she could tell that this young woman was sad but not necessarily clinically depressed.
"How about we call it quits for today and pick it up again tomorrow?" Dr robin asks
"Yea, I'd think I'll like that."
Nalani gets up to leave, but Dr robin stops her.
"Here, I want you to write in this journal, you don't have to share your thoughts with me unless you want to, but I think this will help you."
Nailani takes the journal, nods, and then heads back to her room.