Death's Silence ||Tyunning Story||

XLII

27.05.2018
18:50 PM

I'm going back home after my session with the psychologist, lately she does nothing but asking me questions of what happened and my thoughts about those moments when I was kept prisoner of my parents, as if in a situation like that you have thoughts! I was barely alive, I was just trying to survive as much as I could, I was some sort of animal or monster, how could I even think of something!?
She keeps asking me questions about that time, when I told her multiple times that I want to move on, get a life, a decent life, and hopefully going back to the person I was... I miss my old self so much, I bet Kai misses it too, why she doesn't listen to me? It's her fucking job! Can't she even do that?! I wanna be the old Kang Taehyun, the guy who wasn't afraid to say things out loud, who was brave and would have done anything to protect the people that he loves! Not the paranoiac ass I am now!
Luckily since I've gained weight I started boxing again and I'm so happy I got to train again, it calms my nerves and it helps me letting out all my negative emotions and my paranoids.
I feel like I'm breathing when I start punching that punching bag, I feel so good!

The bus stops near our house and I walk a couple of minutes till I'm home.
<<Hyuka! Honey I'm home!>> I say following a really yummy scent coming from the kitchen.
"Hi Sweetheart, how was the session today?" He asks me as he's cooking something, while being shirtless... Sometimes I hate him, I go towards him hugging him from the back.
<<I don't want to talk about those months anymore, she keeps putting them on the table, but I want to only think about us, I wanna live day by day and dream about our future... is it so hard and so bad to forget>> I say, almost asking him quite upset about the situation.
"No it's not, we should change therapist, we need someone who's ready to teach you how to turn page and live our life together" He replies turning around and giving me a kiss, I smile, adjusting my position.
<<I love your body>> I say as my hand caresses his body, he smirk putting his hands on my waist, his hold is so tight yet so comforting at the same time.
"Go change, dinner's ready" He says and I go upstairs changing with more comfortable clothes.

<<Wah! You made this?!>> I say looking at the dishes on the table.
"Yes, all for you!" He says and I hug him, giving him kiss on the cheek "Let's eat now"  and I smile sitting in front of him, as always.
<<You could be really a good husband>> I admit.
"Your husband though, I don't want no one else except you" I laugh at his cuteness as I take a first bite.
<<It's so good!>>
"Thanks"
<<Anyway I really think I need to change therapist, because whenever I'm alone I start being so anxious, it's almost suffocating... before I was scared but now it's like a phobia...I don't like feeling like this>> I say as that feeling keeps hunting me <<I don't like walking around this empty house>> I continue getting anxious, he takes my hand and smiles as to calm me down.
"So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my Sweetheart" I smile as I feel couple of tears dropping on my cheeks.
"You know it makes me cry when you give me those eyes" He says as I try to hold back my tears, he gently strokes my hand.
<<The stairs creak as I sleep, It's keeping me awake>>
"It's the house telling you to close your eyes" He smiles reassuring me and I smiles back, loving how he can calm me down with so little.
<<And some days I can't even dress myself, I see myself in the mirror and I wish I was someone else, with a better body and with no scars>>
"It's killing me to see you this way because I don't want anybody else by my side if that's not you, you're everything to me... Those scars are the prettiest I've ever seen and you're perfect like this, just as you are... You should look yourself with my eyes and love yourself at least as I love you" I lower my gaze as it's impossible for me looking at him in the eyes, I really wish I could love myself as he loves me, I wonder what he sees in me for loving me so much.
<<There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back from being me>>
"Well, tell her that I miss our little talks and that being you is the best thing that can ever happen to you" He hugs me and I hold him tightly, with all myself.
When we separate, I smile, I love him... I love him so much.
"You're cute" He giggles, wiping my tears and kissing me.

21:00 PM

I'm in the bathroom as I get ready to go to bed, but I catch myself staring at my reflection in the mirror... Those scars, I look like a horrendous monster, I almost throw out for what I see.
"Taehyun are you okay Sweetheart?" Asks Kai, in our bedroom.
<<Yes>> I try to keep my voice as stable as possible, failing as I start crying for what I see.
I hear my boyfriend footsteps stop near me "Are you crying at your own beauty?" He asks hugging me from behind.
<<You mean my ugliness>> I scoff.
"What you say?" He asks trying to make me laugh.
<<Ugliness>> I repeat.
"Nah, that word doesn't exist in my vocabulary" He says smiling, ah... I love him way too much.
"Hold on" He says all of a sudden disappearing and coming back after a minute "Okay let's make this scars even prettier!" He says with a yellow marker, kneeing in front of me.
<<What are you doing?>> I laugh at what he's doing.
"I'm drawing stars around your scars" He says as if it was the most normal thing to say.
He then stats kissing me all over, drawing a little star every time he placed his lips on my skin, sending shivers down my spine and making the butterflies in my stomach running wild.
I really missed his way of being himself around me, he's big goofball of laughters and smiles, he's literally my sunshine.
<<That's what I missed the most, your way of loving me>> I say looking at him fondly, seeing his cheeks rising into a smile.
"Done!" He says leaving one last kiss on my cheek, drawing a little star, I laugh at his cuteness feeling my ears warming up "Let me take a picture, this is worthy of an art museum" He says taking a couple of pictures.
I look at him up and down, smirking... I won't be the only one with stars all over my body!
<<Now it's your turn!>> I say taking off his shirt, showing his insanely beautiful body, leaving kisses and drawing stars on his scars.
"You're always so gentle with everything you do... It's okay for you if we go to bed a little later tonight?" He asks me and I smile, knowing what he means and of course I nod.
<<I miss that so much>>
"Me too" He says
<<And done!>> I say giving him a kiss on his mole on the neck <<Pictures for you too!>> I say taking his phone as he poses.
"Let's take one together" He says moving me with his arm to his side, facing the mirror and taking a photo of us.
"I love you" He says in a soft deeper voice.
<<I love you too>> We kiss and he lifts me up carrying me to our bed.

I love him so much, I love those moments so much, he's the only one who can make me feel so good about myself and so loved.
He is my everything, I can't believe I run away from that, it's all so plain and meaningless without him by my side.
I hope I can return soon and I hope he forgives me for what I did, I don't deserve it, I know, but I love him way too much to think he won't, that would break me more than anything else.