The Marauders - Order of the Phoenix - Part Two

XXXIX: 12 January, 1994

Remus woke and found himself in a jumbled pie of limbs with Sirius Black, both of them turned back from their canine forms at some point. Sirius lay draped over Remus, his torso flat atop Remus's back, arms wrapped about his til their fingers wove together at the end.

Sirius's chin was tucked over Remus's shoulder and his earlobe was in Sirius's mouth.

He let out a low breath, his toes curling with pent up excitement.

Sunlight streamed through the window and pooled over them, warming the floor where they lay. Remus didn't dare to move, afraid of waking Sirius - afraid of what would happen when his eyes opened and the day began.

But he couldn't help himself.

"I've missed you," he whispered.

It's what he'd started to say the night before.

"I want to believe you. I do believe you in my heart of hearts. I hope you know that? I just - I need you to tell me the full story, and explain. Not because I don't believe but because I don't understand and I have to understand - you know I do, you know how I am. I'm scared, Sirius, I'm scared because we've both broken each other's hearts so many times and I've just -- it's been twelve years, mate, and I know you know it's been twelve years, I know it's been a lot worse for you - being - being there and all, but -- I've been in a bit of a prison, too..."

Remus stared at the lacing of their fingers, at Sirius's fingernails, longer than they'd ever been before, and it occurred to him that Sirius was clean - he must've found a way into one of the showers at Hogwarts and he'd cleaned the prison robes and Remus made a mental note to give him some clothing... It would be tall but they could shorten the legs of his trousers to fit... and entirely not Sirius's style, but wasn't it better than months-old Azkaban stripes?

"I lost everything that night, and I lose everything again every time I've gotten anything since... and I can't stand the thought of possibly losing you again. Assuming I even have you back now, that is..."

Sirius shifted ever so slightly and Remus realized he was awake. 

He wondered how much of what he'd said Sirius had heard.

Sirius's body lifted up, and his fingers drew away from Remus's, their limbs untangled.

"Don't go," Remus said, "You said you weren't going anywhere."

"I meant for the moon, Remus," Sirius's voice was heavy.

"But I meant at all," Remus rolled over as Sirius stood up. He could see his back, the robes hanging loosely over his frame. Frame being the only word for it, Sirius was barely anything else but the framework.

"I shouldn't have been here to begin with," Sirius said. "I made a mistake to come... Roger said it was a mistake, I didn't listen to him, I need to focus -- It isn't like things will ever be like they were, and I'm hurting you in the process of pretending like they could be. That they are." 

Remus sat up. "Sirius --"

"I made a vow, Remus... I made a vow and I can't break it."

"You did make a vow, yes, you made a vow to me."

"But I also made one to him," Sirius snapped, and he turned around, wild-eyed suddenly. "I swore to avenge him one way or another and I will avenge him. I will. If it's the last thing I do -- which it probably will be since the dementors are so close... Achlys is the only reason they aren't here right now, the only reason they haven't kissed me already, Remus. She keeps them at bay."

"Achlys..." Remus whispered. "Sirius, Achlys is just the embodiment of your depression, she's just -- she's just a part of you."

"She isn't a part of me," Sirius snapped.

"She is, Sirius. She isn't real."

Sirius slapped his palm against his chest. "She is real, Remus. She's the only person who has been there for me through all of this... through everything in the last twelve years. SHE is the only one who has EVER asked me for my side of things."

"I'm asking you for your side of things - right now, tell me right now. Tell me everything. Tell me about this vow you made to Voldemort."

Sirius blinked in surprise. "A vow to Voldemort?" he laughed.

"Yes, you've just said that what you're doing is because you made a vow to him... an unbreakable vow?"

Sirius stared at Remus.

Remus stared at Sirius.

Long seconds passed, their eyes locked, searching each other. Moments like these, Remus wished more than anything he could be a legilimens like Severus Snape was, to know what Sirius was thinking, to understand him.

"You're just as bad as them." Sirius's voice was sad, like a disappointed child finding out that their favorite superhero was just an actor in sweaty spandex. 

"Sirius?"

"Nothing's changed, has it, not really? I thought at first that I should like it a lot if nothing had changed, but the change happened long ago, before Halloween..." Sirius shook his head. "We were falling apart a long time before we imploded."

Remus thought of the space shuttle that had exploded, back in 1986, how it had shot up through the sky so fast and miraculous, how there were puffs of black smoke and parts that fell and how, just before it happened, there had been a moment when, sitting in a pub and watching the launch on a telly screen, he'd heard someone say, "Somethin' ain't right..." and then the burst, the sparks, the shower of fire and black smoke and the walls of the thing blasted right out and there was no hope that anyone or anything  had survived as the shuttle fell back to earth long streaking meteoric bits.

"Say something," Sirius begged, "Don't just be silent on me like you always used to do! You know I hated that, you know I hated that so much and yet you're still doing it, still being silent!"

"I don't know what to say!"

"Say anything! Say what you're feeling!"

"I love you!"

Remus flushed as Sirius stared at him, the words hanging between them.

"You don't mean that," Sirius said. "You don't mean it - because you're still afraid of me. And you can't love something you're afraid of."

"I --"

"You love the idea of me," Sirius said. "The memory."

Tears were in Remus's eyes.

"Why would you ever love me? Believing what you believe about me? That I turned dark after everything, that I betrayed James and Lily? Why would you want me after that?"

Remus stared at Sirius.

 And he said the words that he'd thought a thousand times since Sirius had gone to Azkaban, every time that he wished for a moment just like this, every time that, in the middle of wishing he remembered what Sirius had been accused of, and every time he felt guilty for wishing that he would come back anyway...

"We can be monsters together."

Sirius shook his head, then he laughed, and he hung his head, the hair falling over his face a bit more like it used to do. Sirius turned and started for the door.

Remus struggled to stand up. "Sirius!" 

"I have a job to do, Remus. I have a vow to fill."

"What about your vow to me?"

"Monsters don't have happily ever afters, Moony."

The words echoed in Remus's mind long after the slamming of the door faded away.

Perhaps that was the truth.

Perhaps that's why they'd never gotten one.