The Marauders - Order of the Phoenix - Part Two

LXXV: 23 June, 1994

Minerva McGonagall's words had shaken Sirius more than any others that had been spoken that night - and such a lot of what had been spoken that night had shaken Sirius quite a bit. 

Her accent was so thick... it always got thicker when she was emotional or impassioned by what she was saying.

"When ye killed James Potter," she struggled to finish, "Ye killed a bit of me as well. I hated that ye taked him away from me... But I hate ye more for taking away yerself!" 

Her words wrapped around him, devastating him. The chains cutting into his arms were nothing compared to the words that were cutting through his heart when she lectured him like that. His whole entire heart was shattered by it. It was the most intense emotions he had felt in twelve years, since the dementors had taken away a lot of his ability to feel.

Oh god, why did it hurt so much?

She shook her head, backing away from him, as though she didn't dare to turnaround - as though he might hurt her somehow if she did. Like she didn't trust him. "Tha's all that I have tae say to yeh. I haven't got another word. Tha's all I want tae say... and dinnae think I can take another moment being in the presence of yeh." 

She turned and hurried to the door.

It was like watching a real mother walk away - a real mother, not a mother like his own had been, but a real, true, honest to God mother.

His heart felt like it was fit to burst. Her hand was on the door knob. He wanted to scream for her to come back, to listen, to just hear him out for just a moment, but the words - and his breath - was caught up and although his mouth formed them through sobs that shook his whole body, he struggled to even come close to uttering the words.

"The Headmaster and Minister are on the way, and they'll bring with them the dementor who will see to it that I havenae never to look upon ye again... Ye have only God to answer to, Mr. Black."

God would be easier to answer to than the people here, Sirius thought. God could see the heart of it, at least. God knew the truth of what happened already.

It was the people that didn't understand.

Minerva McGonagall had the door open.

If you don't say something now... you'll never get to. She'll walk out of here thinking you betrayed her for the rest of her life. You're going to die and she's never going to know the truth. 

"Minnie!" he wailed.

The name echoed off the walls of the chamber ad he saw her body go stiff at the name. She stayed back-to him, he couldn't tell what her face was doing, what she might be thinking or feeling or anything, if she was annoyed or offended or any thing. She stayed stock-still in the doorway. 

But she hadn't stepped out.

She was listening.

He had one shot. One shot and he had to make it count. Sirius's voice cracked along every seam and every syllable, "You're the only person that ever properly believed in me back then... Don't give up on me now."

There was a long pause.

Excruciating, it felt to Sirius anyway, this pause.

It seemed like a hundred years passed.

He'd expected her to turnaround, to come back... 

But instead she left. She left and she slammed the door and Sirius couldn't believe it. He stared at the door as the silence fell around him like snow, settling after the explosive bang of the wood door hitting the frame so hard it shook the rafters.