The Marauders - Order of the Phoenix - Part Two

LX: 23 June, 1994

Remus Lupin had made this walk a hundred times. At least. Maybe even more. And he'd made it several times in the past few months that he'd been back at Hogwarts. He'd even done it at least once expecting Sirius Black to be at the other end of the tunnel, in the Shrieking Shack, just like old times. He'd done it so many times, he could've walked it with his eyes closed and, with the lanterns all off along the tunnel like this, it was so dark he might as well have been.

But this was different.

There was an electric energy in the air that seemed to crackle and made the hair on his arms stand up at attention even as he paced along, his heart pounding so hard that he was sure it was echoing off the narrow walls.

He reached into his pocket and drew his wand. "Lumos," he cast and, taking a leaf from Newt Scamander, he bit onto the wand between his teeth so that he could go on using his hands to brace himself against the walls as he walked.

It was different this time because this was the first time in twelve years that he'd walked this tunnel expecting Sirius Black at the end, knowing beyond a doubt that Sirius Black was not a murderer. He, Remus, did not have all the answers - he didn't even have many of the answers - but what he had now weighed more than all the answers in the world, he reckoned. It was something that he'd lost a long time ago, something that he swore to himself now as he walked that he would fight tooth and nail to hold onto.

He had faith.

He laughed to himself then, and had to pause to hold his wand because he suddenly found himself picturing Nymphadora Tonks singing and dancing around in his office back at his birthday, singing another of her favorite songs.

'Cause I gotta have faith, oh, I gotta have faith - I gotta have faith, faith - I gotta have faith, faith, faith - Baby - I know you're asking me to stay, sayin' "please, please, please don't go away"....

He shook his head and smiled, staring into the darkness ahead of him.

He didn't know what he'd find. Didn't know what he was walking toward. All he knew was that whatever it was - it wasn't as dark as what they'd already been through.

He just had to make it there.

He'd never had the proper amount of faith in Sirius before, he realized. He'd always been too quick to assume the worst, too quick to take the defensive, to jump to a conclusion without taking pause to consider Sirius's good intentions that went along with the wild, uncontainable, passionate responses that he always, always, always had been known for.

Wasn't it that impulsiveness, that passion, which had made Remus fall for his husband in the first place? Why had he been so quick, then, all those years ago to - multiple times, mind - completely overlook that and assume Sirius was changing, was betraying, was doing anything except being Sirius?

I gotta have faith, faith, faith...

Remus moved along the tunnel with determination, wincing over his aching knees, swearing when he would trip over a tree root or a rut in the path...

He was reminded while he was walking of another time he had walked along a tunnel, one very much like this one by design, nearly 1200 miles and over 12 years ago... he was clutching the warrant of arrest in his hands, reading it, seeing only the words that hurt the most as though they were highlighted in yellow. It was as though he were enjoying the pain of thinking the worst of Sirius or something, as though he felt like he somehow deserved the punishment of that knife grinding into his heart over and over again.

Why did he let himself believe that he was anything other than what he'd always been? A monster - the true, actual, real definition of a monster?

After all, if even Sirius, who loved him so much, could see him as something simply to be "unleashed", like a deadly weapon to be wielded against enemies... a threat to make in a pinch like a 1 - 2 - sucker punch... then what they said about him must be true, right? He must be a monster...

He must be a monster.

He must be...

And now what would happen now after all this --Sirius arrested... Sirius attacking a woman, exposing him, Remus, to the Ministry? What would happen to Remus? What would happen to Sirius? What would happen to the "us" that Sirius had knelt in their kitchen and promised Remus they would always be? If Sirius somehow got out of whatever trouble he was facing now, if Remus somehow avoided being picked up by the Ministry officials and forced into some kind of ridiculous Ministry-enforced captivity... then what? Would he, Remus, be able to trust Sirius not to just go off and do it again? How do you have a marriage with someone that couldn't be trusted to protect you when you needed it most, to keep your secrets? If Sirius really had threatened that woman, how could Remus ever trust himself alone with Sirius Black during transformation nights again?

Was he being ridiculous to think these things? Was he the one in the wrong?

And if he was, did he have any right to complain about it? To question it? Did he deserve to be treated like that, as a monster?

And that was the problem, he'd asked too many questions.

He'd asked too many questions instead of just having faith in Sirius the way he should have done to begin with.

I gotta have faith, faith, faith...

Remus thought now, stumbling through the last span of the dark, coming up to the short flight of wooden stairs that led up into the kitchen of the Shrieking Shack, where the trapdoor was already open, dust falling through rays of sunlight that sliced their way into the tunnel from the cracks in the boarded-up windows.

He climbed the stairs as quickly as he could, gripping the floorboard of the kitchen to pull himself up out of the tunnel, wincing as he had to kneel to crawl out... There were marks on the dust in the floor, streaks where someone or something heavy had been dragged across the floor, and there was blood streaks mixed with it and Remus looked around, following the streaks in the dust.

"WE'RE UP HERE! WE'RE UP HERE! SIRIUS BLACK! QUICK!"

Hermione.

Knees be damned, Remus launched himself at the stairs and grit his teeth tight as he ran up them, thundering up and he rushed forward, raising his wand, and in a shower of red sparks, the door flew open and he hurtled into the room.

There was Ron, laying on the floor - Hermione, cowering next to the door, and Harry - standing in the middle of the room, looking so much like James - his wand aimed, pressing harshly into the throat of the utterly crumple, completely filthy, gaunt, bleeding, terrified-looking Sirius Black.

"Hello Moony," Sirius said in a low, throaty, broken voice.