She's What I Need

break the pattern

jjs pov:

i'm still on the corner of the boat. and i see kie looking down, sad by sarah. i feel horrible for confusing her. i really didn't mean to, i just can't get my shit together.

"hey guys wanna start riding back?" john b asks as the sun is setting.

"yeah let's do that." sarah says rubbing kiaras back.

all i do is just put my hands on my head and just sit. sit in all my lies, in all the memories of the last week. i just sink in it. slowly drowning.

sarahs comforting kie, pope is talking to cleo while john b is driving the boat. and i'm just sitting.

the hms pogue is driving fast. and i wonder what would happen if i would just jump out of the boat. it going full speed, no life jacket, just jump. maybe my neck would crack and i would die or maybe i would live through the bad injuries, which is worse.

i stand up and look over the boat to see the water moving fastly. i probably wouldn't die.

"jj?you good?" john b asks seeing that i'm close to the edge and looking over slightly. and everyone looks over by me, including kiara.

"what?" i ask him and then the boat goes to an automatic stop and i fly overboard while we were going fully fast.

i inhale a lot of water, and i felt my lungs ache. i don't feel dead, so i guess that answers my question.

"what the hell john b!" pope says.

"i didn't see the sandbar" he admits. "is everyone ok?" he asks.

"maybe just slight whiplash." kiara says and then she fully notices that im not on the boat.

"where the fuck is jj?" she says.

"shit" john b says and goes to the water and sees me passed out in the water. he jumps in with no hesitation and pulls me out the water and taps my face and i cough out water.

"jj what the fuck" john b says still holding me in his arms making our way to the boat. i can see relief wash over kiaras body in one look.

"hey why are you mad at me you stopped the boat while going the fastest you could." i say and he helps me on the boat.

"if you wouldn't of been that close to the edge you wouldn't of flown off jj!" john b says. "gosh you have to stop doing stupid shit you could've died" the words slip off of his tongue and his me hard. they still don't notice. still don't get it. still don't get i don't care, and i was even thinking about that. they just don't get it.

i go to sit back down but get super dizzy and slightly fall in john bs arms.

"jj shit" he says and catches me. everyone looks worried. "why are you so dizzy?" he asks me.

i can barely talk. i'm in so much pain mentally and physically.

"when's the last time you've eaten jj. you only ate like a bite of the pancakes and that's all i've seen you ate." john b says sitting me down and i just grab my head.

"you need food jj. you haven't eaten in forever. and all that alcohol is gonna drain all the liquids out of you" pope says and i continue to have my hands on my head. it's aching. it hurts so bad. and even kiara isn't walking to me and checking on me, that's how mad she is. it's just too much.

"jj can you hear me" pope says and the whole world is dizzy and spinning faster than my brain is thinking, my head is banging, and i feel myself fading away in bits and pieces.

"we need to get back to tannyhill" john b says and kiara is just by sarah, pissed and worried as shit.

i feel the boat start up and i lay down and start to close my eyes. and i don't remember the rest of the boat ride.