Go Away (#TheWattys2015)

Chapter 24: More Feelings

I came home one night to find my mom sitting on the table. Her head hung low and she didn't look right. I gasped as I saw a bottle in her hand. She never drank. "Mom?" I croaked. "Mommy what's wrong?" She didn't answer for a while. Then her head rose. One of her eyes were shadowed by a tangle of sweaty curls and I nearly screamed. Dark bags hung low under her eyes and she looked insane. She tipped her head back and emptied the rest of the bottle into her mouth and swallowed loudly.
"Where were you," she asked.
"I-I was at the library. I was studying."
"Mhm. Alone?"
"Yes. I didn't need help with anything so I just stayed in there. There's a big test coming up." She stared at me for a long moment before grunting "uh huh" and reaching for the bottle. She stood up and wobbled on her feet. I fought the urge to run and help her. Something told me I should keep my distance.
"You could've called me for a ride y'know," she said suddenly.
"Mom I was fine. I just walk-"
"You walked!?" I jumped at her sudden outburst and she growled, a line a drool making its way down her lips. She wiped it away furiously and fixed her attention back on me.
"Y'know what your daddy told me before he died?" I was speechless. She never talked about dad. It was like an unspoken agreement we had to never talk about him. My heart felt like it was slowly and painfully shriveling. Dad wasn't dead. She said he was on a business trip...
"Mom what are you talking about? Dads not dead."
"Yes he is! He called me one night while you were too busy hanging out with your friends and I found him. His car was turned over and he was bleeding out on the road. The police didn't get there in time..." her voice broke and she sniffed, wiping a tear away. "Dammit I thought you were old enough to notice when an adult is lying! When has your dad ever left for business for so long?" Tears built up in my eyes and I fought them down. She knew. She knew, and she had to get drunk to tell me. "Well," she continued, her speech slurred. "Your daddy said: 'take care of our girls' then he died. And look at me now. Some monster is after you and I didn't even have the decency to pick you up from the library. One hell of a mother I've turned out to be." She paused for a long time then suddenly she snapped. "No. It's not all my fault. I'm not gonna stand here and make you sound perfect. You could've given me a call. Do you want to die Daija? Is that it?" Tears started to build up in my eyes. "Answer me!"
"No mom," I answered shakily.
"Then why couldn't you give me a call? Your daddy is probably looking down on me shamefully when it's not my fault. It's yours! You should've been with your sister! You should've been protecting her! This whole thing is your fault! Isn't it?" Tears streamed down my face.
"Isn't it!?" she repeated. Then she threw the bottle at me. It hurled at a my face like a lightning bolt and I blocked the blow with my arm. The bottle shattered and the glass dug into my arm. I screamed and my mom seemed to snap awake from her drunken state.
"Oh mymymy what have I done?" She panicked and ran at the kitchen sink, splashing her face repeatedly with water. She grabbed a wash cloth near the sink and soaked it, rushing at me and pressing it onto my bleeding skin. "I hurt my baby, my poor baby, I'm so sorry. Daija I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have- I didn't mean a damn thing I said Daija, you hear me? It isn't your fault. Oh lord, oh lord, my baby's hurt. I hurt my baby..." She muttered over and over again. Tears flooded down her face. I hugged her tight and we sat there holding each other surrounded by broken glass. "It's okay mom," I whispered in her ear. "It's okay."
And we never talked about dad again. Ever.

The next day at school was one to remember. I tried to hide my bandaged arm under a hoodie but a bit of it peeked out of my sleeve every once in a while. Tasha already knew about the previous night so she stayed close to me, helping me carry my stuff and checking my bandage every hour to see if any cuts had re opened. It was during my locker break that Zack took notice. I had been reaching up to grab a textbook out of my locker and my sleeve rolled down a bit showing my bandage. He was across the hall within seconds. I sighed and braced myself for his question. "What happened?"
I tugged my sleeve back down and gathered my things.
"Don't worry about it." I tried to head for my class but he blocked my way. "Tell me."
"Zack I already told you. It's nothing you need to worry about. Honestly." People were heading for their classes and the hallway was growing empty very fast. I was going to be late. I walked around him and speed walked towards my class but I stopped when he suddenly yelled at me.
"DAMMIT, STOP PUSHING ME AWAY DAIJA!" I turned to face him, shocked to see an angry expression on his face. He wasn't just angry, he looked furious. I walked back towards him slowly, as if I were approaching a rabid dog.
"Zack please calm down."
"I can't," he answered through gritted teeth. "I can't Daija. I can't sleep, I've been having trouble eating, I can't stop thinking about that thing that chased us, I can't stop thinking about you." My eyes widened at that last part and he looked away from me. His chest was rising and falling rapidly. He thrust his hand through his hair aggressively. "I hate being the last one to find out about everything. Why don't you trust me? I'm really sorry okay. I can never protect you and it irritates me so much. I could've-" he gripped his chest and I stepped closer to him. "Are you okay?" He gripped it even tighter as his chest started rising and falling even faster than before.
"Is this what a panic attack is like?" I noticed how he was beginning to look pale.
"Um Zack, buddy, you have to calm down. Like, right now."
"I can't Daija!" I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards me hugging him tight.
"Breathe Zack," I whispered in his ear. "Breathe." His body was shaking.
"I-I, I'm trying."
"Here, I'll show you." I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Like that. Try it." He tried and almost got it but failed towards the end. His breath was rising up again and I pulled away from him and placed my hands on each side of his face, staring into his eyes. "Zack, in and out." I breathed for him again and he tried to do the same. This time he succeeded. "Very good," I said politely."Now do it again." I breathed with him and slowly his breathing slowed back down to normal. He rushed at me and hugged me tight and I hugged him back.
"I think I'm okay," he whispered. "But could you please tell me what happened now?" I sighed and nodded against his shoulder.
"Um, my mom, she uh, got drunk last night. I don't think she meant to, it just sort of happened I guess." I took a shaky breath and Zack rubbed my back gently. "Keep going," he whispered into my ear. I fought down the chills slithering down my spine and continued, fighting back tears as I recalled the previous night.
"Well um, she got mad all of the sudden and threw the bottle at me." I felt Zacks body go stiff against mine, but I continued. "She apologized over and over again. It was like she was snapping out of a trance or something. She promised never to do it again and she took care of my arm. It's all good now. My arm should be fine soon. My mom threw out any alcohol we had in our house and threw up a lot afterwards. Trust me, I think she meant it when she said she'd never do it again."
He didn't answer for a while. Then he finally said:
"I should've walked you home." I pulled away from him and I felt anger flare up in my chest. "See, that's why I didn't want to tell you. You always blame yourself for things that happen to me. There's nothing you could've done Zack, okay? It's over. What happened, happened. But I'm fine." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry I just- I can't help it okay. You're my friend and I hate seeing you hurt." The flaming anger rising in my chest vanished.
"I know, I get it. But just, I don't know, stop worrying so much. Please?" He shrugged.
"No promises, but I'll try."
"Thanks." I smiled at him and he smiled back. Suddenly he stumbled and threw his hand at a locker to support himself.
"Whoa. I don't feel good."
I ran at him and tried to fight down the panic rising in my chest. "Um, maybe it's from your panic attack earlier. C'mon I'll take you to the nurse." He followed me down the hallway and when we reached the stairs he held onto my hand tightly, as if he was afraid he would fall if he let go. I felt my face grow hot and I tried to fight down the smile growing even wider on my face. "What're you smiling about?" Despite my brains commands for my smile to go down, my lips seemed to have a mind of their own. My smile widened. "Nothing." Zack stared at me for a second, then he looked away, focusing on the stairs to avoid falling, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. When we reached the bottom of the steps he stopped, but he didn't let go of my hand. "Do you trust me?"
I stood there speechless caught completely off guard. It never occurred to me. He stared at me, his innocent, kind, beautiful eyes stabbing into mine as if they were looking into my soul. I remained quiet for a while trying to get my voice to work and he continued to stare at me, a hint of sad confusion passing over his eyes. I immediately found my voice then and said:
"Yeah, actually, I do." I gave his hand a comforting squeeze and the look vanished from his face. He smiled his wide, goofy smile and I laughed. "Good," he said. "'Cause I trust you." I smiled back at him and let go of his hand, instantly missing the feeling of it in mine.

When we reached the nurses office I told her how Zack wasn't feeling good and I came down with him because he was wobbling a lot. She gave me a pass and I left, turning to smile at Zack. The nurse began asking him questions and he smiled at me and mouthed "thanks" before giving her his attention. I skipped back to class with the pass in my hand and a giant smile refusing to get off of my face.