Falling too much

Fourteen

Alesha's POV
Listening to Leah's voice made me feel slightly better. After 30 minutes I walked downstairs, not even Beth or saka the two people I had known for the longest knew about my condition. I sit next to Beth and she says "are you okay" I nod my head. We watch heart stopper and halfway through the first episode Leah brings me some pasta, it made me feel uncomfortable and squeamish. I eat one piece before putting it onto the coffee table. Beth says "you sick or something" I nod my head I didn't want Beth to know. Leah looks at me before taking it back in to the kitchen she comes back out and hands me some tomato soup. Once again it made me feel sick the thought of food made me feel poisoned. I hold it and stare into the bowl, I'm snapped out my thoughts when Beth says "go on nick" referring to heart stopper when nick sees Ben and Charlie. I look at Leah and she stares at me I saw the concern in her eyes. I have one mouthful and my throat hurt. I put it down and run into the bathroom, I throw up. Leah follows and holds my hair back. I sit next to the toilet resting my head on the wall "why is it always me"
"It's not always you, everyone is different we all struggle with different things" Leah says as she sits next to me pulling me in for a hug, her arms wrap round my back whilst my head rested on her chest.
"It always me le, everything has happened to me"
"And you have come out stronger"
"I haven't I'm back at this, I've told this to no one not even alessia. When I was 14 I got bullied bad I started self harming, I tried twice to ease the pain and get out of this world. Nothing worked absolutely nothing. Mam was the only person I told stuff too. Now she's gone I no longer have that boundary to step into, I can't go speak to her not even have one of her hugs"
"You have me and Beth and alessia"
"I'm scared for tomorrow, I only just joined arsenal I'm worried the press will say something like kicked out for not performing well, I don't want people to think that off me"
"And they won't"
"I only know Millie, Niamh and Lauren no one else I'm scared le"
"That's plenty they will introduce you to everyone like I did when you joined arsenal"
I give a quiet laugh and say "yeah but arsenals different"
"I like your laugh now come on you need to tell Beth before she starts to notice herself"
"Okay I'll try"
We get up and walk out of the bathroom to the sofa. Beth says "what's up"
"I have an eating disorder it comes in phases, I will have a good couple of months before it creeps back up on me, I never see it coming I never have and when it does it pushes me to the floor and beats me up. It makes me feel like food is a poison and uncomfortable that's why I threw up the thought of food made me feel sick"
"I'm so so sorry" Beth says as she hugs me.
"Don't be I need to fight this instead of staying on the floor"
I looked at Leah and smiled she still had concern in her eyes. I say "I'm going to phone my dad and then I will try and eat something"
I go into the kitchen and phone my dad.
"Hey sweets is everything okay?"
"Yeah are you still coming tomorrow"
"Of course why, do you not want me too"
"No I do I just need to tell you something"
"What is it darling"
"I'm not eating again but I'm trying Beth and Leah are really helping me"
"What are you okay?"
"Yes I'm fine I promise"
"You sure. We don't want you in that trap again"
"Yes I'm 100% sure okay!"
"As long as your telling the truth"
"I am and you will be able to see tomorrow right, what time you coming"
"I'm leaving around 9 so will be there at around 12ish"
"Okay I'm not in till 3 I'm sure Leah and Beth won't mind"
"Okay see you soon sweets"
"Bye dad"
My dad hangs up and I walk into the living room. I sit on the sofa next to Leah and say "so what should I eat"
"Anything that you like tell me and I'll make it" Leah says with a slight smile on her face.
"I'll try pancakes"
"Okay coming up" Leah walks out and me and Beth have a talk, we talk about secondary and what we did when we left Maidstone. 15 minutes later Leah comes in with 2 pancakes stacked with Nutella and strawberries. I cut it up and eat it. I say "can youse say something to get my mind off this food" I knew that was the only way I would eat it without thinking about it too much. We start talking about our past and things like that. Leah says " when I was 8 I remember falling into a lake in the season when ducklings were born a duck came up to me and bit my ear" me and Beth couldn't hold back our laughter. Beth says " when I was 14 I jumped a barrier to go to the toilet instead of paying £1 I was desperate!" Me and Leah both laughed. I looked back down at my plate and I had ate half of it. I put it on the side "I'm off to bed see youse in the morning"
"Night you guys" Beth says
"Goodnight Bethy" Leah follows me up and we head to bed.

The next morning I woke up to my alarm at 8, Emma told me to be there for 9:30. I get in the shower and when I come back out i see Leah isn't in the bed no longer, she must of woke up. I change into some grey shorts and a Nike white jumper- put it this way I don't care what clothes I wear, I'm not a fashionista. I get my phone off charge and see a message of Alessia.
Hey you'll do great today x

Thanks less x

Remember I love you and if things get tough give me a call x

Thanks less love you too x

I head downstairs I sit on the sofa with Beth and we watch the first episode of never have I ever.I realised Leah wasn't with us "where's Leah"
"She's just had to go out, nothing serious"
"Okay" I didn't quite know how to read Beth's facial expressions half of her face looked guilty as if she had lied and the other looked like she was being serious. I didn't know what to think. It creeps up to 9 and I want to make sure I'm there early, Leah still hadn't came back. "I'm going to head off will Leah be back when I'm home"
"Probably I don't see why she wouldn't"
"Okay bye Beth"
"Bye good luck"
I close the door and head to my car, something wasn't quite right I knew it wasn't but I couldn't quite figure it out, not yet anyway.