Foolish One

silk sheets and nicotine.

  Townes

As my tears fell onto my tiled floor bathroom I can only feel coldness. Everywhere on my body. I woke up here, the fourth time this month I've woken up on my bathroom floor. I can feel the alcohol still in my body waiting to be thrown up in my toilet bowl.

I had plans for the day. I usually don't, but as I'm sitting here I feel like doing anything except sit here is out of arms reach.

I think i'm gonna shower. Marilyn dropped off this new shampoo and conditioner from her trip to France the other day.

Last night she left for Peru. As she's gone more and more often I feel even lonelier. She's invited to take me on some, but I feel like i'm draining her. I don't want that, I want her to shine.

I used to shine, we became friends in the sixth grade, back when I had pretty long hair and my parents opinions. Everyone loved me. You know that awkward phase people go through in middle school? I had one, but it was covered up with thousand dollar skincare and makeup. My nanny was a dreadful person, she wanted perfection. I spent most of my time practicing perfection, and it worked.

However, i'm also a nineteen year old girl, who isn't in college, unemployed and single. All of this is my fault, but it still sucks.

I just don't have anything to worked towards. It's really actually selfish of me. I have everything anyone would ever want in the world. Fame, beauty, money, but I don't have warmth. Everyone around me is so cold.

All I want to do is fly off to Neverland and never see anyone again. Again, very selfish, not very realistic, but very comforting.

My tiles on my bathroom floor are cold, like a shock. I look like a mess. My hair is tangled, I haven't brushed it in about three days. I think if I just put a lot of conditioner it'll all untangle. I think that works for a lot of things. Give a lot of apologies to someone, maybe they'll forgive you. Love someone enough, they might fall in love with you.

My eyes are red. So much that it's a miracle , they aren't bleeding. The bags under my eyes are dark and round, which is weird too, considering I spend my days in a deep sleep.

I take my four day old T shirt off, it's a Taylor Swift one. My lord and savior. I don't have any pants on, so I just slip my bra and underwear off and crack the water to boiling. I find a playlist, and "Old Money" by Lana Del Rey starts playing out of my speaker.

My ex boyfriend got me my speaker, he didn't like showering in silence. He needed music. I used to like showering in silence, it was peaceful.

I slide the glass door open and step in, the water hits me like bullets. I pick up my toothbrush and toothpaste and squeeze out a fair amount onto the toothbrush and begin brushing. My shower needs reorganizing, there are bottles all over the ground, most are empty. As I finish up brushing my teeth, "Sinking Ship" by The Backseat Lovers plays. I grab my new shampoo and lather it into my hands. I scrub my scalp until my arms hurt. The water hits my scalp and burns it. Just how I like it. I rinse all of it out hair and grab my new conditioner I rub it all through the ends of my hair. "Waiting Room" by Phoebe Bridgers plays. This song got me through high school. I have a couple of minutes before I have to rinse. So I just sit on the shower ground. The lyrics start hitting me. The bridge comes in and just like any teenage girl, I cry. I can feel my hot tears being washed away. After the song ends I stand and rinse, I wash my face and pretend like nothing happened.

I rinse my ends off and decide if I should shave. I do. It's been a while. So I pull my razor out and start with my legs, I shave every single part of my legs.

"And you wanna scream, don't call me kid, don't call me baby." I got a brazilian wax and my underarms waxed last week, so i'm done after my legs. After I finish up there I shut the water off and grab a towel. I grab another one and wrap my hair up. "Kyoto" finishes up and funny enough I get a call from my dad.