The Perfectionist

Chapter Ten

When they had arrived back, the day had seemed to lour: the sun had sat on the horizon, the wind had accelerated and was colder, and the crickets had slowly begun their overnight choir. Brother Pieter unlocked the gates, and as the two issued in, he said:
''This was a lot of exercise for a man my age. Forgive me, I will go rest in the garden.''

He took his leave from Dieter, who, for a moment, did not know what to do. He was terribly anxious and panicked, and could very well have collapsed from fear at any moment. An uneasy conscience, hungry for relief, demanded that he rest himself in his cell, and he made his way to the tower. Ascending the dark stairs and opening the cell door, his anxious eyes scurried along the darkening room (though he did not know what he was searching for) and finally stopped on the small hung portrait on the wall, which he had observed intently on his first day in the monastery. Without paying heed to his actions, he sprung forward to it, stopped before it, and gazed desperately upon it. She was upon her white horse, gazing defiantly upon the sky, while the French villagers rejoiced around her, kissing her cape and joining their hands high in grateful praise. All this he studied in a desperate, muddled way.
''Joan,'' he suddenly blurted out, not himself knowing why, ''Were you afraid, Joan, when you had bowed before the treacherous Dauphin? Were you afraid when you had fought alongside men and against men, when you were injured? Were you afraid when the Burgundians took you? When they had strapped you to the stake? Were you?'' After a pause, he added, ''No, you weren't. You were brave. You had the knowledge that the Lord was with you, that He would erase all fear and that His angels would have quickened the hooves of your horse, and would have projected your cry of defiance. But we are not the same, Joan, for God is angry with me. I am not pure, Joan, nor am I great like you. I am a sinner, Joan, and I cannot remove this from me.''

She had not stirred, and paid no heed to his questions; the villagers, too, seemed ignorant, and did not stop with the kissing of her cape and the joining of their hands. The mock-nun seemed to laugh at him, and the lad near her, who was about to take a bite from an apple, seemed to look at him with wonder. Dieter retreated and warily walked towards the large table by the open window, where he sat, and, placing his two palms on his face, stared blankly at the portion of the brick wall outside the window which he could view from his seat. His mind had stormed and thundered, raining terrible, oppressive thoughts upon him, and each counter-action he had employed had failed and wasted away under their obduration, that, once again as had happened in the solitary road, he had become perfectly bereft in consciousness of his outer environment, and dwelt wholeheartedly in the dark chambers of his mind. But his obsessions had tortured him, and he had yearned out of his loneliness for a compassionate hand to stretch itself out from the darkness and lead him away from the tumult. He was in the midst of this yearning, when the door of the cell opened, and Brother Johann had entered, much to his gratification. His friend had a smile upon his face, and, seeing Dieter, he exclaimed happily:
''Back, are we? I've just heard from Brother Pieter where you and Brother Wolfgang were. Pitiful heart! He always spoke so fondly of his father! And Brother Pieter mentioned the road, and your fondness of it, and, I say, the walks through the forest are becoming rather dull, perhaps tomorrow I should take you and Brother Karl and walk that trek. It should be enormous fun, and Brother Pieter said there were many a grand thing to discover on that road! He mentioned an owl, but I hear them every day now, so I doubt that will be something new to me. But I am rambling. Why are you sitting here by yourself?''
Dieter's countenance, which was suddenly lit up, seemed to Brother Johann to be expectant, desperate, and hesitant.
''Brother Johann,'' he said weakly, ''I have a request.'' He gazed upon him in the strangest of ways, with widened eyes, impatient, compressed lips, a laboured breath, and a slight inclination of his head towards him, as if preparing himself to hear Brother Johann's response.
''Yes?''
''Brother Johann,'' Dieter began, in the same expectant, desperate, and hesitant way, lacing his hands together as they rested on the table, ''I will tell you now and I shan't repeat myself. You are my only hope. My only hope that is left, Brother Johann. I've nothing else and no other human to turn to, except you. Do you understand?''
''Merciful Lord, what are you going on about? And why do you look so pale?''
''Brother Johann, pray take the seat opposite me. Please. Yes, thank you. You must understand that you are my only hope now, I need your help. Reassure me, Brother Johann, reassure me with all your effort, that the Lord will forgive me one day.''
''Forgive you for what?'' Brother Johann, though a little disconcerted and confused, proceeded with a sense of sympathy, and looked at his troubled friend with kindness.
''Forgive me for my many debaucheries, and my inevitable submission to the vice fiends, and all my sins committed in the war.''
''In the war? Lord, that business is dead and buried. You've yourself reassured me of it, and now I no longer think of it.''
''No, Brother Johann, it is yet alive. Or if it is indeed dead, its ghost is haunting me. But we are deviating from our object. I must know if the Lord will forgive me, the wretched tyrant I am naturally and through-and-through. You look incredulous as to the adjectives I have just used, but let me tell you, Brother Johann, that I- and I exercise honesty with you, and would never lie- am very wretched and corrupt indeed. My vices and my faults are hidden from the public eye, but their concealment does not cancel their existence. Who you see in front of you is only a fraction of the man I really am, the rest is terrible and horrid. And there mustn't be protest against that fact, as man is not perfect. Alas! Man is not perfect! (he covered his face with his hands, then lowered them again) Tell me now, grant me your response, for it is the only thing that will save me now, will God forgive me or not?''
''Why,'' Brother Johann returned, with slight confusion upon him, though his friendly face had not altered, ''Why would he not forgive you, Brother Dieter? I believe I remember you mentioning your imperfection to me some days before, though I am addled as to why it bothers you yet. Man is not perfect, though that is not a tragedy. We mustn't over-question the Lord's creation, especially when we do not yet understand it and have not the means for understanding it, for thus we induce unnecessary incertitude upon ourselves. The Lord has purpose in creating you imperfect, and questioning that action would only cause you trouble, and really it has a rather simple explanation after all: so that He may hear your voice in repentance.''
''And what if we repent?''
''Then all is forgiven!''
''And what if it is not forgiven?''
''Why would you think that?''
''What if we are forgiven, then, five minutes later, after we have left confession, we commit the same atrocities we have humbly begged forgiveness for, and with all deliberation? My natural composition will inevitably lead me, and lead us all, towards that path. I know this very well. Would God forgive us- again- though we had disgraced ourselves in treachery? though we have again listened to satan's words? though we have, not beside ourselves and in full control, turned our backs upon the Word and the Heavenly Kingdom, and dived into the ocean of sin?''
''Why, Brother Dieter, have you been doing thus lately?''
''None of it, Brother Johann, none of it, but tell me, would God forgive me- even then?''
''Well,'' Brother Johann leaned back on his chair, and extended his hand to shoo away a lark that had landed on the edge of the window, ''I believe so. Our God is a forgiving God. His mercy cannot be exhausted nor depleted. But one must repent, one must show how tormented they are by their guilt and how they bash their past actions. Repentance- thorough and genuine- is very much essential.''
The lark had flown away, and as Brother Johann slowly directed his eyes away from it and towards his interlocutor, he observed that a great change had suddenly taken place in him: Dieter was slightly trembling, regarding Brother Johann with widened, terrified eyes, was hard of breathing, and fidgeted tightly with his hands. Brother Johann was disconcerted.
''What is the matter, Dieter?''
''I cannot repent, Brother Johann,'' he replied, with a faltering voice akin to a whisper, ''I've no more repentance in me left!''
Brother Johann did not reply, but waited for Dieter to explain himself further. Dieter spoke slowly, slowing building up speed and vigour in his words:
''I cannot repent anymore, Brother Johann, and I don't know what that means for me. I've not an atom of repentance left in me, you see. So do not ask me to repent! Do not ask me! I've repented every possible sin i've committed in my life entire, and have deprived myself of sleep for nights in succession, in repentance. I've exhausted my capabilities, in repentance! I fancied I was thus purified completely, as the baptized babe, but yet here I am! A sinner once again! A tyrant once again! With the obligation to repent once again! It is impossible, Brother Johann, to repent again! I am tired, I can no longer endure white nights! If man is so wicked so as to exhaust his capability to repent, yet there is still sin in him, then what is in store for him? Tell me, Brother Johann! Tell me! This is my situation! This is how it is with me! I am tortured, Brother Johann, tortured to the bone! And I am my torturer!''
The last two sentences he uttered with severe agitation and desperation, that Brother Johann, dumbfounded, immediately rose and went up to him.
''Merciful Lord, you must calm yourself down,'' Brother Johann demanded calmly, holding his shoulders, ''What has gone over you? Are you ill? You are completely beside yourself.''
But Dieter did not answer, and kept on looking up at Brother Johann with a terrified, incredulous expression, agonized over the realization that his 'last hope' had failed to reassure him.
''Why do you look so afraid? Dear me! What has come over you? There is no need for fear here, Brother Dieter, though if you could only tell me what is the matter.''
Again his friend did not answer, and continued staring.
''Mercy on us, how odd. You would do me a great deal of good if you did tell me. You are as pale as a ghost, Good God! But all the same, then. I do not know what could have led you to this state, but I daresay it must not continue on any further. You must calm yourself, so stay put while I go inform the cook to make you some tea!''

Brother Johann left in a haste while Dieter, unchanged from his state, had attempted to comprehend what had just happened to him. The trembling and fidgeting did not stop, but had instead increased in intensity. Brother Johann had come back with the tea before ten minutes had passed, and laying it out before Dieter, he gazed with reinforced wonder upon him, trying to figure out the reason behind the sudden change. But the bells had rung, and Brother Johann, cursing them, was obliged to part from him. With a concerned, tender, voice, yet sullen with regret, he said:
''Brother Dieter, I must leave now. Pray forgive me that I have not understood what you had tried to tell me, and forgive me for not being able to reassure you. It seems that what I have told you had not reassured you at all, but had instead served only to increase your worry. After the last mass we can talk all about it, and Brother Karl can converse with us, he lives for conversation. But I shall return before long. Pray calm yourself down, my friend, while I am gone.''

He walked hesitantly to the door, and, before closing it, looked once more at his friend. He was drinking his tea absent-mindedly, with his thoughts and attention elsewhere; he no longer trembled, but every other element of fear had lingered on him painfully, the widened eyes, the impatient, compressed lips, the laboured breath; and the long, leaning shadows stretched out across the room, which had dimmed and brightened Dieter at the same time, seeming to elucidate by the mere contrast the struggles and the strifes raging in him, the offenses and the defenses, had impressed Brother Johann with the false image of solitude, and he left his friend at peace.