The Perfectionist

Chapter Eleven

''O wretched, black day! And I fancied that Brother Johann would have delivered me, but that has not succeeded. There is no one to turn to.''
''Brother Johann did not want to reassure you, Dieter, knowing your true nature once you have confided in him with it.''
''It is inevitable that he would not have helped you, as he had not fallen victim to your cunning. It will not be a shock if he denounces you before everyone.''
''You'd best make your way to the library, Dieter, Brother Pieter is going to be waiting.''
''Leave the monastery at once and instal yourself in a tavern, that is best for you.''
''To the library and then to the tavern.''
''If you cannot repent, know that your heart has been hardened, and not into gold, but into lime.''
''Rather, you must repent more, though lacking in substance, and the breaking of your figure and your yearning for rest will serve as sufficient substitutions for repentance.''
''Woe! Woe! You are exposed, how will you be protected?''
''I think your protection has failed you, you are quite forlorn.''
''As is the natural end of all your type. The Lord's fury is upon you.''
Dieter pushed the teacup aside, clutched his head desperately, and pulled at his hair.
''Yes! Suffer and be tormented. That is the martyr's way. Though your title being promoted to martyr would be rather ill-fitting.''
''Do not put forth a pretence of sufferation! There is no credulous audience to weep over you!''
''Stripped of repentance and of relief- it is your last duty to simply suffer!''
''Yes, yes, suffer and be tormented! And do not stop pulling at your hair until I permit you to stop, slave!''
''This is the result of your sins. You have failed to be the Lord's knight against your own self, you have lost the battle with yourself, the Sins have taken over and defeated you. You have fallen from the podium of the Greats, and sink into an ocean of doom. Allow the ocean to steal your breath, Dieter, do not gasp and struggle!''
''Stripped of protection and certainty- it is your last duty to simply suffer!''
''Drop to your knees, Dieter, no matter how much you dread it now, and repent! Repent! Repent!''
''Repent, repent!''
''Nay, do not repent! The door to repentance has been long locked, do not knock on it!''
''You cannot stop me, slave! I am speaking the truth!''
''Vanquish me and I shall return alive again, for the word of truth shall always return!''
''Think of the eyes of those soldiers, as they pleaded for your mercy! Think of the blood you spilt! Remember their dejected, miserable families- their pain has been caused by you! You! And in covertness your wicked musings have caused you to rejoice it and walk the God-given dirt with a consummate pride; and you have forgotten your victims the split second that you had been released a prisoner of war, and flitted back to Germany; and you have beguiled everyone you had then on seen with a pretence of contrition towards yourself and your victims, the latter whose reemerging memories you have continually driven away; wicked, wicked Dieter!''
''As to what you must do, I haven't the slightest idea, Dieter.''
''Dieter, listen to me!'' said a distinct thought, in a different tone than all the rest. The others had rapidly faded away, so that Dieter could hear the crickets again. He did not answer, but released his tensioned hair, and partially unclosed his eyes.
''Perhaps,'' it continued, ''Just perhaps, Dieter, there is a solution to all of this!... Now, do not immediately reject it, Dieter, give it thorough thought! Perhaps you can end your suffering by taking your life?''
''Why would I do such a thing? I am not a madman!''
''Tut-tut! Do not immediately reject, Dieter, you know not the minute details. Listen to me! You would escape from the unpleasantness! You would rest! And, you would become a martyr- of your own sins! A martyr, Dieter! Up you climb back onto the podium! You would sacrifice yourself for your own sins, you would die in repentance of your own sins... that's quite close to sainthood, if you would ask me.''
''No!''
''Dieter! Would you rather waste here in uncertainty and sin? If you want to escape all of this, there is only one way. And, you know, once you cease to exist, your sins will cease to exist as well.''
''How is that?''
''Your short-lived pain will atone for all the wrong you have ever done, that is to say, your blood will repent for you!''
Dieter groaned and rested his forehead on the table.
''Aren't you punished enough, Dieter? Listen to me! And it is not killing of oneself, it is sacrificing of oneself, atoning for one's sins by way of the martyrs.''
''Leave me be, fiend!''
And so the fiend left him be, and he sat, with his forehead and his folded arms on the table, listening to the crickets. But Dieter had bitterly reflected on what it had said, and very soon it had spoken again, with a weak, imploring voice:
''You are doing yourself a harm, Dieter, by not listening to me. I am trying to help.''
Dieter did not respond.
''I am trying to liberate and save you from the pit you are in... You are a hindrance to your own salvation like this. As is natural in a whelp through-and-through.''

Dieter unclosed his eyes, looking absent-mindedly into the darkening room not yet lit by candles. He had sat, staring at nothing, for a very long time (though immeasurable by his conscious), until he had heard a low wailing noise outside the window. He went up to it to discover its source. Frau Marta was standing before the forest below, with three or four other chatting and laughing women, hushing her wailing child. He was turning his head from the window, not thinking of anything, when an impulse, half-voluntary and half-mechanic, drove him to rise from his seat and exit his cell. He descended the tower in a haste, and walked quickly to the back of the residential buildings where the forest- and Frau Marta- lay. Upon seeing her with her group, he bid them all good evening in the normalest tone he could manage, and requested to speak with her in private. They retreated some distance away from the women, and instantly Dieter spoke:
''Frau Marta, do you remember me?''
''You are Brother Dieter.'' she replied, furrowing her constantly furrowing brows more.
''Yes, I had met you and Kurt a few days back.''
''Yes.''
''Will you grant me a favour, Frau Marta? It's not terribly difficult. It's very easy and effortless, in fact.''
''I have Samantha and Emil to care for, Brother Dieter. Perhaps it would be better to ask my husband...''
''Frau Marta, I would have asked any soul in all of Wurzburg, but seeing that I am pressed for time, and seeing you- someone who was rapidly available- here, i've resolved to ask you. There is something you must do for me. You needn't the least effort to perform it, if performing it is necessary.''
Frau Marta gazed askance at him, but she finally replied, with a sigh:
''What can I do for you?''
''If anyone were to ask you, Frau Marta, about me, or if you happened to hear folk asking about me, pray tell them that I was simply trying to save myself. That it was the only way, and that any other way was, as it were, impossible.''
''I do not understand you, Brother Dieter.''
''I am aware that you don't, and you mustn't. If you had, you would have tried to stop me.''
''Stop you from what?'' she gazed even more doubtfully at him, ''You are speaking even more incomprehensibly.''
''Simply inform any asker that I was trying to save myself, Frau Marta. You are a good woman, I know you would do me this kind service.''
Fighting against her doubt and bewilderment, Frau Marta had paused for a long while before finally saying, in a slow and confused manner:
''Alright, I will do it. I do not understand you one bit, but you, as you have said, seem pressed for time. I will tell any asker that you are 'saving yourself'...''
''Not are, but were!'' Dieter blurted out suddenly, not knowing why, and startling her. Guessing quickly at his meaning with another startle, though muddling it with yet more doubt and bewilderment, she took a few steps back.
''That you were saving yourself, Brother Dieter. Forgive me for that. I must return to my group now.''

She turned and went away, and, receiving her, the vivacious party headed straight along the gray stone walls, at the end of which was a small, wooden fence. They traversed it and into the monastery's other whereabouts; but before passing the fence, Frau Marta glanced back at Dieter, and saw him standing blankly, regarding her. She turned away and disappeared. Being left alone, he sunk against the wall, and clutched at his folded knees.
''Am I really to go through with this? Is this truly to happen? I suppose it is...''

Wiping away a mischievous tear that had escaped his eye, he rose, and made his way.