The Perfectionist

Chapter Three

''Dearests mother and father, how do you do? And how do Katerina, Sonya, Helmut, and Werner? Not too sad, I should hope? I am glad to write that I have safely arrived in Wurzburg, and am writing in my very cell, listening to the soft sough of the trees by the open window. I met with Brother Pieter in the morning, and he, with all cordiality, directed me to the monastery. As you already know, he is a capital fellow, and gave me a kindness appreciated by all newcomers, one by which my terrible anxieties were considerably subdued. But, I am certain you are spent with hearing and reading about my fears, having lived with these fiends for an unpleasantly long period of time, thus I turn your attention to another matter. Pray write me about Katerina's wedding at once, and describe to me everything that happens. How happy I am for her, the darling! It pains me to not witness it. And, my dearests Sonja, Helmut, and Werner, if they are sad yet, pray inform them that their older brother will return to them by-and-by, and that there is no cause for sadness.

''Mother, father, my cell is quite empty, as I have imagined it to be. There are only the barest necessities to welcome me into the room, and a very good friend, Brother Johann, who resides in this cell also. I find it unobliging to communicate unto you his nature, as it would have been uncalled for and quite impertinent, thus I regret to impart nothing about him, and leave him anonymous. I shall only say that he is an excellent person, radiating peace and a long, winding compassion, which would look upon even the most depraved of sinners with love and friendship. How lucky is man to have this kind of asset?

''Beloved parents, I must impart unto you something of optimum importance, which I have just remembered. Why, parents, do you think that I have chosen the monastic life? Why have I become a monk? Mother, you convince yourself that it is simply to quit your company, and to live somewhere without you: be assured, darling mother, it is not true, do not listen to these bitter thoughts. Father, you convince yourself that I care not for the affairs of the men and women my age, and prefer to select more befitting company: this is only half correct, as I could tell you with confidence that more than half of my clique are 10 times more pious than I. You both also would that I get married and settle with a government job, but that is not my fate. The truth thus declares itself: how else, if I had not become a monk, if I had not given up my life for service of the Holy One, would I achieve greatness? How am I thus to become great? These empty walls, and this emptiness, will reveal to me the ways of the many greats that have lived before me: Diogenes of Sinope, Matthias Cornivus in peasant's clothes, Francis of Assissi, Lao Tzu, their ways shall be revealed to me with these white walls, with this empty cell.... And I shall achieve my goal of greatness by living like those of greatness. However, I remain cautious so as not to allow the erring spirit of Raskolnikov to direct my actions, of course, nor will I let such examples as the Great Prussian King to inspire my endeavours- and I will pursue the greatest path laid out for me, the path towards which completion and perfection both lay, waiting for me at the edge or end. I will tread along this path and achieve these treasures, without error, without flaw, without any worldly limitations or physical weaknesses whatsoever.

''I remind you that I have not entered the monastery and chosen the monastic life for a secular cause, though that assumption may inevitably form as a result of what I have been writing. I have no interest in being remembered, I have no interest in making a spectacle of myself nor striving for the praise and admiration of others. It is all but mist, and such pursuits I have no ambition for. Rather, I am here for a sacred cause: it is of utmost importance that I have come here: for it is for the sole and only purpose of pleasing our God and relinquishing my life to Him. I shall return the miraculous good He has done for me and continues to do for me by serving Him hereafter, and observing in gratitude and adoration all the laws with which he civilized the savage human creature. It is clear to me that living in a monastery and choosing the monastic life is this great path of mine- that path in which I can impress Him with all my capabilities and undertakings. For once I achieve greatness, and become someone worthy and noble, then, I think, I will please our Lord with every possible human effort. I am knowledgeable that our Lord loves all worshippers- poor, rich, devoted, lay, etc. and I am not stating that I would be above all. It is quite different: my goal is to achieve the highest possible form of worship, and consequently be loved and cherished by our Lord forever. But, most importantly and above all, my main goal, my yearning and my dream, is to be completely devoid of sin, immune to the temptations of the vices and wrongs that many a man and woman had performed before me, and, I hope, I strive to be morally upright and perfect. My undying gratitude demands it from me, pushes me forcefully towards the goal, and I feel inclined to achieve it.

''For what would I have been, where would I have been now, if I had submitted permanently into my shell-shock, and wasted away after years of convulsions, fits, and mad ravings? I have read the letters I have sent to you during the war (which I do not remember writing), and was shocked- not at my unearthly tone, but at my present situation: that is, I am now sane. I am able to function normally, which was not the case before. It is unquestionable that this is the work of God, a denial would be too weak compared to the intensity of the nature of this miraculous event. I repeat: what would have become of me, had not our Lord delivered me so kindly and mercifully? The gratitude for such a miracle must not be wasted, and must be expressed in the highest form. If it were not for him, what would have been my sad fate otherwise? I would not think it, and, beloved parents, pray spare yourselves the task of imagining it as well. But I must stop writing, there is scarcely any more notepaper. Send my kisses to Sonya, Helmut, and Werner, and especially to Katerina, for a great happiness awaits her. And, in return, I request that you pray for me, I possess a severe exigency for your prayers, as, like the infamous Roman general, I gather courage and declare that I have crossed the Rubicon.
Dieter''