The Perfectionist

Chapter Fifteen

He sat up on the bed, and rested his back on its steel frame. His tired, mournful eyes dragged themselves carelessly around the cell and stopped at Brother Johann, who regarded him with joy, sympathy, and gentle expectation.
''Brother Dieter!''
''Where is the doctor?'' he asked immediately, wiping his face with his hands.
''He is gone to breakfast, he is terribly famished. How are you feeling?''
''Shame he is gone already...''
''Only to breakfast, Dieter, in the mess hall. He will return. How are you feeling?''
''Well, I suppose...''
''Are you in pain?''
''Yes.''
''Can I help you with some water? Shall I go down and fetch you some breakfast yourself?''
''Oh no, none of that.''

A gentle silence ensued, during which Dieter seemed very pensive and preoccupied, placing his right hand over his stomach and clutching it briefly every now and then. His face was morose and gloomy, and he gazed softly, though not without a subtle sense of anger, at the far end of the room. Suddenly some resolve made him nod slightly, and, composing himself and adjusting his posture, he suddenly spoke, with an impatient, irritated voice:
''It just occurred to me that I forgot to wish you a good morning, Brother Johann. Good morning. But also, it has also occurred to me that you must be wondering why I had done what I had done. I'm sure you have been convinced by someone or other that I ought to be excommunicated.''
''What is this, Brother Dieter? Why do you speak this way? Er... you mustn't speak of these things now, do not trouble yourself now, dear heart. You must allow yourself to rest.''
''What rest is there, when all is up and about in my mind anyway?'' Dieter blurted out irritatedly, folding his arms, ''If you are wondering why I had done that, and I'm sure that you are, grant me some minutes to explain it to you. You have misunderstood before, I do not wish that you misunderstand again. Anyhow I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams to leave you in uncertainty, so allow me to explain myself, as a friendly gesture and to satisfy your curiosity, and perhaps everyone else's.''
''There's nothing I need to understand, you need to rest! Please, my friend, you are over-exerting yourself. The doctor said...''
''Let me explain! I shall go mad if you hinder me!'' he blurted out, but he checked himself immediately, ''Forgive me. Oh dear Johann forgive me. But please, I implore you, I fancy you all would very soon excommunicate me. And though that's fine and swell and I accept it, I find it only logical and expected that I defend myself...''
''Not now, Dieter! Not now!''
''No, now! If all the brothers were before me, with their sneering eyes, and with their silence, and with their scoffs and sighs, I might not have been capable of uttering a word, and might have collapsed on the spot. You are a much easier audience, and messenger too. You cannot fathom how it is in my mind, it's a madhouse. I understand wholeheartedly if you despise me now, if you wish me excommunicated, or even if you anticipate doom and damnation in my path. That is all too understandable. I do not blame anyone. Do you know why I had stabbed myself? (hearing this, Brother Johann winced in dismay) I hope Frau Marta remained true to her promise, otherwise I have to tell you myself. It was because there was nothing else I could do. It was the only way to save myself, to escape! I was firmly convinced that once I had killed myself...''
''Dieter, please!''
''No! Listen to it all!'' he blurted out in agitation, ''And I shan't euphemize! If I had killed myself, if I had spilled my own blood, then I would have spilled out all of my sins as well! I could no longer repent, thus my last asset was to hasten my expiration. My blood would have repented for me; I was to be cleaned and redeemed by my death; I would have been a martyr of my own sins. And I would have been forgiven at last. And who is more honorable and glorious than the martyr, Brother Johann? Joan herself, hoisted up on this wall near me, is a martyr and saint, and a French saint at that! Indeed, a French one! But we all revere her. Where is the wrong which I commit when I emulate her? I wanted to do myself some good and this is how I did it! Judging me on that ground is not only unlawful or immoral, but it is also forbidding me from saving myself once and for all. And I am aware that it is a terrible, debauched act, but it was the only thing I was able to do, that much you now know. Do not look at me like that, Brother Johann. You look as if you are listening to nonsense. It is not nonsense. It is the serious, solid truth. But here's the wrinkle, here's the tragedy, I don't mind telling it to you: I did not succeed. I could not escape from my sins, even with that horrid means. I woke up this morning, I inhaled and exhaled, and what wretchedness! what punishment! This was not supposed to happen.'' after a pause, he added: ''You detest me, you wish to banish me from the monastery, and that is all fine and swell. It does not do to keep a depraved madman in your respected milieu. At least I thank myself for disclosing my reasoning to you; perhaps it may lessen my punishment.''