The Perfectionist

Chapter Fourteen

The doctor Hans Büchner was perfectly aware that all the monks had been praying in the chapel overnight, he had heard the reverend father issue the order, and thus, though he did not know who Brother Johann was, he was confident with his conviction that he must have been in the chapel as well. However, he gave the conviction no voice, so as not to disconcert Dieter, or remind him, as it were, of the events that had happened recently. ''The poor man has too much on his mind anywho...'' he reasoned with himself as soon as Dieter had fallen asleep, and loosened the grip on the doctor's hand. A few hours before the previous scene, in the deep hours of the night, the room was littered by five or six buckets brought in by Maria, who had lingered outside the door lest the doctor need anything. Each bucket was filled to its brim with bloodied towels and rags, and in one the doctor used its water to clean the instruments and the knife. Of course, they were cleared to the launderer before Dieter had woken up, and some rags were disposed of altogether. Maria had reminded the doctor that the monks allowed none of their members to don any garment other than their black habits, so the two ventured to procure a new, unbloodied one for Dieter, which they found- to their astonishment- just outside the chapel, ready in the hands of one monk:
''It's from the sower's. He always insists on sowing the habits for everyone, thus relieving us of it. Frau Maria, you must be at home, where is your son?''
''I told him to go directly home, and that it did not concern him.''
''And yet you are yet here, Frau Maria?''
''The good doctor needed someone to wait on him, brother. He has no nurse with him. I brought in towels and all the like.''
''Is he well, doctor?''
''He's well.'' the doctor replied, ''The danger is gone.''
The monk, who was hurried, near tears, and stressed out of his wits, nodded absent-mindedly, and, after giving the new habit to the two, he retreated quickly to the whispering chapel.

Back in Dieter's cell, Maria, in a trance, enquired if her services were still required. Her answer being given in the negative, she promised to call on Dieter (if it was possible) later in the afternoon, and she left the monastery in a cab. The doctor could not sleep the entirety of the time after Dieter's episode, thus, smoking his pipe tranquilly and silently, he waited for the said Brother Johann to show up, and pondered deeply on the nature of his patient's mental and spiritual unrest.

***

The morning, when it came, was warm, still, and silent. He did not hear the monks' voices anywhere outside of the two cell windows (indeed he heard only the birds and the distant cars), and was very much confused as to where the company of the monastery was, and what he was to do in the meantime. The time was ten in the morning, when Brother Johann finally opened the door to his cell. The doctor was delighted to see him.
''You are Brother Johann?''
''Yes,'' he replied in exhaustion. His face was heavy, his eyes were underlined with dark bags, and he seemed to sway instead of walk, as if unaccustomed to the lure of gravity. He walked slowly towards Dieter's bed, forgetting out of his exhaustion to greet the doctor, and regarded his dear friend with eyes that were mournful, astonished, brooding, and- it seemed to the doctor- regretful and penitent. He cringed with sorrow, and, moving Dieter's hair from his face, he kissed him affectionately on the forehead.
''Pray, Brother Johann, where are all the rest?''
''They've not finished praying, and are still in the chapel. But the reverend father commanded me to go and stay with Dieter here. Some others wanted to accompany me, but the reverend father forbade them. Indeed some of them even fainted before they could bring themselves to pray, and Brother Pieter has taken ill.''
''Who is Brother Pieter?''
''Oh, the receiver of the novices. Forgive me, I am so tired.''
''I will take a look at him later.''
''Yes, thank you...''

He walked towards the basin in the corner, and washed his face. Then he took up a seat opposite the doctor on the large table, and rested his cheek on his palm. Though his posture was more or less relaxed, his troubled face did not denote as such- he was deeply conflicted with sundry thoughts and emotions, and could not keep still.
''Has everything gone alright, sir?''
''Yes, indeed. I sealed the two wounds, and was very happy, but even more so surprised, that there weren't any more worries on that account. That is, the knife had apparently slid through the space between the liver and stomach (the doctor demonstrated this with his fingers), and none of them were injured. Just some punctured tissues, that's all.''
Brother Johann was struck with horror, and gasped.
''Oh no, nothing to worry about! Indeed it was awfully lucky on his part, I tell you. But forgive me for disclosing the details in so forward a manner. There, you've calmed down. But again, awfully lucky on his part! If anything else happened, he would have been sent straight to the infirmary. None of that business is needed, however, which is very much odd. God must love him very much.''
''And who is the worthy man who has attended so carefully on our Dieter?''
''Hans Büchner.''
''God will reward you handsomely,'' Brother Johann gave a slight smile, but it faded almost as soon as it had appeared.
''An interesting lad, Mr Dieter. Though I do not understand why a man of God would wish to end his life.''
''He is not mad.''
''Of that I am certain, of course. At first I thought it might have been the way of the monastery that had induced him, but then I thought to myself 'What a wicked idea!'. And, I waited for an alternate guess to show itself, but none showed. I am quite baffled, I confess I do  not know your lot as well as I should.''
Brother Johann was pensive, and said softly: ''It is entirely my fault, Dr Büchner.''
The doctor chuckled: ''Lord, you were not at the scene! If you were, I would have been obliged to call the officer.''
''Yes, doctor, I was not. I was at the other side of the monastery, pulling out weeds with Robert (the doctor found it unnecessary to ask who Robert was). But it is still entirely my fault.''
The doctor regarded him searchingly.
''Listen, sir,'' Brother Johann began mournfully, regarding Dieter, ''He informed me yesterday evening that I was his last hope, and that I was the last who could save him. He said it with earnestness, with great urgency and vigour, and I had failed to help him. I did not understand what was so urgent, thus I regret that I could not respond with an equal level of urgency. I turned my back upon an oppressed soul, and have led him to ruination!''
Brother Johann buried his face in his hands, however the doctor was more concerned with the matter that 'needed saving', and, puffing away at his pipe, seemed lost in thought.
''Save him from what, Brother Johann?''
''Oh, Lord have mercy on me,'' Brother Johann's hands retreated, ''Save him from the claws of sin. Save him from the misfortune that every human is born with and is tied to sin.''
The doctor was astonished: ''Surely this is not possible.''
''I told him that he needed to repent, which I thought was exceedingly simple, for religion is simple, but it only served to increase his worry. Indeed it caused him quite a panic. He stared at me unblinkingly, like an owl. The policeman came to me sometime in the onset of nighttime, and he had asked me if Dieter was acting strange. I told him what I had just told you. He then replied... (Brother Johann yawned, then continued) he then replied that I was perfectly guiltless, but I still hadn't believed it.  He went on to question Brother Karl, though he knew nothing. It seems my evidence was the most effective, and so the whole thing was deemed in the end a suicide attempt, and the policeman left it at that. And, will you believe it or not, doctor, that just as I was coming up here, to my cell, will you believe it, I was halted by Brother Heinrich, and he asked me about Dieter. I was about to answer that I hadn't seen him yet, when suddenly I was interrupted by a gypsy woman running up to us. Frau Marta, her name. Her family stood in the corner, watching expectantly. She seemed eager to communicate something with us, having heard Dieter's name being spoken aloud, and she wasted absolutely no time. She told us in the most frantic way, as if communicating it was incumbent upon her, that Dieter was trying to 'save himself', and that 'there was no other way, and that every other way was rather impossible'. Most strange, huh? I do not know what to make of it. He must have told her at some time. And do you feel assured of my guilt now, doctor?''
''I still do not.''
''Doctor, you are too kind to me! If a beggar was yet hungry, I would have returned to the cook and would have begged him on my knees for more victuals. If a child was wailing, I would have cradled it in my arms for hours on end. If the travelling gypsies spat on my face, I would have understood and pardoned their instinctive dislike towards me, and would have cried bitter tears for their long suffering. And yet Dieter had asked me to help him, and I left him be at the ring of the bells. I abandoned him in his time of dire need, and, being left alone, he felt nothing else could be done but this!'' Brother Johann wiped away a tear, and sighed.
''I wish I could inquire further, Brother Johann, but it is much too addling for me to even begin. This is not my field. If you should like to discuss it with him, pray wait until he has completely recovered. He needs rest in every sense of the word, from what I can see. Please, avoid any long and pressing topics. There is already a lot on his mind...''
''Yes, sir, a lot on his mind! Forgive me for interrupting you, it was not my intention, but I agree with you wholeheartedly. There is a lot on his mind.''
''All the same, allow him rest, and when he wakes, speak to him gently, and, again, no pressing topics. Not until I permit it. For now, since you are here, I will go breakfast. Do not tell me where it is, I think I already know. Now, be a good man, you said you would do all these things for all these people, so do this for me: look after him while I go get some breakfast, and if anything happens- which is highly unlikely- go fetch me at once. Oh, I forgot to mention, do not allow anyone else inside this room. Only you, as I have recently discovered that this is your cell as well. If Frau Maria arrives, pray tell her that she is not to see the patient yet. Adieu, then!'' And the doctor got up, donned his hat, and left the cell. Brother Johann went up to Dieter and sat on a chair by his bedside.

There was something uneasy working up in him- he sat next to the sleeping Dieter with a sense of dread, and for the first few minutes he did not even look at him. But, finally, he turned quickly to his friend, and observed him. He slept soundly, with his hands folded over his stomach; his breaths were deep and even, his face was calm and relaxed, and he was altogether an immobile statue, showing no signs indicative of wakefulness, and exhibiting all signs indicative of the deepest slumber. Brother Johann pondered over whether Dieter was feeling pain or not, but his inner debates were suddenly interrupted by another wave of thoughts, that is: ''How does he feel now? There already seemed to be ounces of unknown factors tormenting his mind, but what about now? Dear Lord, poor thing!'' That was when Dieter had woken up.