In the spotlight

22

Matteo Rodriguez

Rays of sunlight broke through the pale curtains with ease, shining straight into my eyes. As soon as I regained consciousness, my eyes were forced to open, accompanied by a piercing headache.

I sat up slightly in bed, supporting myself with my elbows, as a heavy grunt escaped my lips. I looked around in the very unfamiliar room, squinting my eyes to push out the light that was making my head hurt even more.

It took a few seconds to realize that I wasn't home, and this was in fact neither my current nor my old room where I woke up yesterday. I noticed the curtains floating away on my left, in front of the opened balcony window. As soon as I took a closer look at that balcony entrance, memories started flooding my mind of the previous night.

My eyes widened in shock, especially once I turned my head to my right and looked down at the girl sleeping peacefully next to me. Her body was turned to me, her arms pressed to her chest, squeezing the sheets as her bare shoulders were uncovered. Blonde waves fell to her face while the rest was scattered around the pillow, her consistent breathing signaling that she was still fast asleep.

We left a huge mess in the room. Clothes were littering the floor all around the place; her white dress lay on a couch where I threw it, and my shirt was somehow stuck on the curtain rod above the balcony entrance.

I sat up completely, trying to comprehend everything at once. The sheets fall from my bare chest, only covering my private parts since we were still both butt naked. I buried my face in my hands, letting out a troubled sigh.

This is not how it was supposed to happen. Our first time together should have been much more special than this. We should have gone on more dates, exploring various places while getting to know each other better. Our first kiss was supposed to happen somewhere special, not at a party within a crowd.

I lost my self-control miserably before I kissed her. I thought she was going to slap me or run away, maybe. When she played along, there was no going back from there. The alcohol and her closeness made me forget how to think, and let me act purely on instincts. 

Last night was slowly clearing up in my mind as I started remembering more and more details, and fucking hell, it was good. My dick twitched upon the memories, and my body suddenly started feeling very hot.

As much as I hated myself for it, I probably would have done it again. Her lips on mine felt like heaven anytime they made contact, her bare skin pressing against mine like a warm hug during a cold winter day. It was one of the best nights and one of the worst decisions of my life.

We barely knew each other for a month. We went on a date once, and we enjoyed each other's company, yes, but this all felt too sudden for me. My heartbeat quickened, and a cold sweat broke out on me once I remembered. It is exactly how it started with Valentina back in the day.

I caught my head, facing the cream-colored walls in front of me. Dozens of thoughts were running through my head, one after another, while also getting worse and worse.

I barely know this girl. We have met accidentally and haven't been able to get to know each other at all. I don't want to end up in the same situation as I did years ago, going back to the darkest days of my life. Even in these few weeks, it was easy to see that she could ruin me if she wanted to. Maybe even worse than Valentina did.

But somehow the heaviest of feelings were all about her. I failed her so bad, I couldn't even stomach the idea of her waking up showing signs of disappointment towards me. I wanted to make her happy, to make all of these moments special. I had everything planned out perfectly, just to fuck it up in one night because I cannot control my own urges.

I acted driven by my sudden feelings and fear. I left the bed, quickly collecting whatever clothing item I found. Ignoring the pounding headache and nausea that were weakening my body, I felt that my mind had never been clearer before.

I was jumping around the room as quietly as I could while I was trying to get into my underwear, then my pants, followed by my shirt as well.

I grabbed the doorknob with only my phone in my hand, battling with my own feelings. Before I could leave, my more hopeful side won for a moment as I looked back at the sleeping girl in the bed. Suddenly, I felt the strongest urge to go back next to her. I wanted to caress her face, run through her silky hair with my hands, and kiss her countless times. My body was aching, and my heart was yearning for another kiss, or at least another touch, and another after that.

But I had to convince myself otherwise. These feelings were probably only physical anyway; they will fade away as quickly as they came. I shook my head, leaving the room with my heart pounding in my chest. She was drunk and probably won't remember anyway.

I quickly called for an Uber from my phone as I stepped outside to the corridor. The whole floor was completely empty; everybody was either still sleeping in one of the rooms or had already gone home during the night. The ground floor was even more surprising; I sneaked through the huge hall room without having anyone notice me from the living room or the kitchen.

I twisted the doorknob of the huge double entrance and opened it, spreading it wide just enough for me to get through when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I took it out again to check the notification that the car was almost here to pick me up. After sliding it back into my pocket, I became aware of weird sounds coming around me, but blood completely rushed out of my face once I snapped my head up.

"Matteo!" My name was called by multiple people at the same time, as they were quickly approaching me, trapping me in their circle. Panic was taking over both my mind and my body, as I wanted to flee and escape their hungry eyes as fast as I could.

"Matteo, did Sofia invite you to the party?" Questions after questions were flowing from their mouths; I could barely understand any of them.

"Where is she now?"

"Why are you leaving so fast?"

"Did you guys hook up?"

"Is it true that you messed with her friends as well?"

"Are you guys dating?"

I was snapping my head between them, barely being able to open my eyes while they were blinding me with their flashing cameras. Stress and panic were getting to my head very quickly, overwhelming everything else I felt at the moment. I got very dizzy all of a sudden, feeling like I'm going to throw up if I can't escape this madness soon.

"Are you both official now?" I tried to break through their circle, but they were quick to follow me and keep me between them for further interrogation. My face flushed with anger as my hands clenched into a fist.

"No. Leave me alone." I blurted out all of a sudden, my very unusual behavior visibly surprising them since I never addressed paparazzis in my life. Using that momentum of confusion, I pushed away two of them, basically sprinting towards the white car that had arrived to save me like a carriage straight out of a fairytale.

They all followed me with their heads, but stopped with everything else. I jumped into the car, smashing the door next to me as I dictated the airport's address to the Uber driver in a shaky tone.

Just barely realizing the dumb shit I have just done with those few words to the public, anger was quickly disollving inside me as it was replaced with shame and guilt in turn. I have managed to fuck up my calm and collected public opinion, which I have worked for years to achieve, but surprisingly, I couldn't really care less.

Remorse was piercing through my ribs, forming a heavy pressuring feeling in my stomach and chest. Sofia didn't deserve any of this. I wanted to really love her, to give her the world and everything she deserved so badly. I really tried.

I am just way too fucked up in the head for that. Her beautiful, different-colored iris flashed before my eyes; thoughts of her smiling nested themselves in my head, and she wasn't about to leave anytime soon.

I am so sorry, Sofia.