Crime In Love Line

Chapter 29

Trigger Warning: suicide

I woke up searching for the less painful ways to end my life.

It takes the knowledge of your own purpose as an individual in order to keep going. To live. Right now, I can't see any. I can't seem to find my purpose here, because all I felt were pain and hardships.

I'm scarred, but I can't seem to trace back the reasons why I was. Gumising na lang ako na ayaw ko na. Gumising nalang ako na gustong-gusto ko nang sumuko.

I'm still ditching my online classes. It's been 3 days after mom was buried but I still don't feel like grieving. Para bang wala akong panahong umiyak at tanggapin. Parang lumilipad na lang ang utak ko sa hangaring kitilin ang sariling buhay.

The people that were left down here with me reflects their obvious hopes in order for them to retain their purposes. Kuya Ethan can simply move on from mom's death, and start a happy life with his wife in Canada. Liam, fortunately, is stable in his recovery because Dad provides all of his needs-therapy and other medications. Afterwards, he can start again in his studies and live the best life that I wish him for.

While me? Ano pa bang ginagawa ko rito.

Despite of the grudge I'm suffering to this world, I chose to live. Why? Because of the people around me. Baka hindi nila kaya nang wala ako. Baka kailangan nila ako.

But I realized, I'm simply no one. I can't even help myself, and they don't look like they're in need of help. Observing Liam and kuya Ethan, they could be in a stable life. They don't need me at all. I can't prevent death. I've done nothing to protect my mother against the shits she received before she died.

Jiro.

Right, Jiro.

Remind me again. I have a boyfriend, right?

It was 6am in the morning, beam of sunlight casts across every corner of my room here in Bulacan. I dashed, immediately closing the curtains to block the sunlight. I hate seeing the sun. I hate seeing the light. I refuse to have the funny feeling or thought that it is a new day to begin. Na para bang, may pag-asa na naman.

Ilang beses ko na naramdam 'yon ngunit niloloko lang ako ng tadhana.

I stared at my bedsheet. I glared in every corner of my room. This room witnessed Jiro's endearment. His promises, and how we made love despite our scars.

But that's bullshit. Now, I can't see this room the same way again.

I took my phone and texted kuya Ethan an update that I woke up. Bumalik sila ng asawa niya sa Canada dahil hanggang ganoong araw lang ang pwede nilang itagal sa Pilipinas.

Binuksan ko ang pinto ng kwarto at sumalubong sa akin ang matapang na amoy ng kape. I looked sideways, and was surprised to see Thalia, holding a mug of coffee. I closed my eyes because I saw this coming. Minsan niya na akong binuhusan ng gatas kaya alam kong ibubuhos niya sa akin ang mainit na kape.

But I was wrong. I slowly opened my eyes, frustrated that I didn't felt the pain of hot coffee flowing down my body. I saw Thalia wearing a strange expression in her face—a smile. A genuine one.

"Uhm I...I brought you coffee."

I narrowed my brows, clueless why she was doing this.

Hindi ako umimik kaya muli siyang nagsalita.

"I'm not doing this for weird reasons that you might be thinking of right now, okay?" She looks pathetic. "M-may toast sa baba. You want me to get some for you? You like sawsaw bread sa kape, right?"

I tilted my head, still surprised.

"Kahapon ka pa kasi hindi kumakain..." She looks concerned, and it concerns me. "I know it's hard to bring back your appetite kaya...baka makatulong ang...coffee?"