PTSD

Facts- Causes

I'd like to put a TW because this chapter is gonna go in depth of the cause of my own personal PTSD, as well as some other traumatic experiences that can cause the development PTSD.

PTSD is caused by one thing: Trauma. But what trauma? Well, any. When someone thinks of PTSD causes what typically comes to mind are veterans, or a schooling shooting, but actually, pretty much anything can cause the development of PTSD. Something as "small" as the death of a loved one or a pet can, or something as big as witnessing a bombing. I will name several common causes of PTSD, so please read with caution. 

•Natural disasters, this can include anything from floods, to tsunamis, to fires, to earthquakes. All of them can be very traumatizing experiences, especially if it damages your home or loved ones. 

•Violence. This can be shootings, bombings, police brutality, muggings, break-ins, street fights, or abuse. It's especially likely if you or someone you love was physically or mentally harmed during this.

•Crime. This can be witnessing an armed robbery, getting kidnapped, sex trafficking, pedophilia, etc. 

•Abuse. This can be physical, mental, emotional, verbal or sexual. This can also include neglect.

•Death. This can be witnessing death, or just the death of a pet or a loved one.

•Being a witness. Witnessing any of the mentioned things, or any other traumatic experiences can also be trauma inducing. 

Now, this is the part where I'm gonna be really vulnerable and personal, because I don't think people can fully understand how vulnerable you actually have to be to share your trauma. I don't think most people understand the level of security the person has to have, and how personal it actually is. It is probably the scariest thing I have ever done right after witnessing the trauma. Any comment that is even remotely negative will be deleted. Because when someone opens up to you about their trauma they need a feeling of safety, and positivity, and acceptance and support, and understanding. So please, try your best to understand. 

As you may know, I'm an only child and the only family in America I have is my father, the rest of my family is in Korea, and I usually only get to see them once every summer, for only like a week. I haven't gone much since the incident because it has made being around my family a lot harder. They questioned me about it, they always want to know if I'm okay after it (which I appreciate, but in cases where I don't ask to talk about it, it can be very triggering for me), they openly talk about it, and stuff like that. I lost my mother a few years ago, which was the cause of my trauma. In her last few years of living she was suffering with really bad depression, beyond what therapy, support and medications could help with. It was really horrible seeing her in that state. That is, when I did get to see her. She isolated herself practically 24/7, so I didn't even get to talk to her or see her very much. Only when I got lucky enough to catch her getting food or water, or going to the bathroom. Not even my father could talk to her or get her out of the bedroom. And that's around when I started developing depression. Seeing her in such an awful state made me really blame myself. "Maybe if I was a better daughter" "Maybe if I was successful" "Maybe if I did this or this or this" "Maybe..." I never really told either of my parents about my mental health, or, really anyone. It was a secret. I was just myself around everyone, I didn't mention how sad and worthless I felt to anyone. 

One day, I think 5-6 years ago, ish? My dad took me out to dinner. We ate, we had a good time. We talked and were just generally happy. But that changed completely when we got home. I went to use the bathroom and I found my mom there on the floor... Pills were all over the floor, if I recall, it was some kind of painkillers, it didn't seem like she'd taken many. On the floor was also our gun. It was just some small gun for protection, I don't really know what type it was. The floor was flooded with blood and there was a gaping hole in her head. I remember screaming and immediately sobbing for my dad to come to the bathroom. My stomach was twisted into a knot and I felt paralyzed, I couldn't move. My dad checked if there was any sign of life or even slight breathing. He rolled her over onto her back and revealed two holes in her stomach as well. My dad kept yelling for me to call the police but I didn't because I couldn't move. I remember all night I just stood there with one arm on the wall, and my hand on the wall, hunched over, the other arm on my stomach. I don't remember what happened after that, I know the police came, and they cleaned up the scene and it was over. When they left my dad spent the whole night with me. He held the small garbage can while I threw up into and I was just thinking... "Why?" "What if we'd been home?" "Why didn't we help her?" "I wish I helped her." "Is it my fault? Did I do this?" "Why could nothing help her?" "What happened?" "Why did she do this?" "I could've stopped this." And all sorts of self-blaming thoughts. I sometimes find myself in the same positions I was in that night. I sometimes hallucinate and hear her sobs. 

It's a really horrible experience that I could never wish on anyone. I wanted to talk about it a lot more in depth to really help you understand, but I started to feel the sickness that I felt again, and I started crying and I could feel myself shaking and my throat closing, so I'm sorry if it's not easy to understand.

I want everyone to understand... If one of your loved ones committed suicide... It is NOT your fault... To commit suicide you have to have that one opportunity you find, to think on an impulse, to be in your worst, most vulnerable mindset you will ever be in. It's not because you did X Y or Z, it's because they were going through something and felt like there was no help for them. 

If you experience suicidal thoughts, I BEG that you reach out to anyone. What you think will remain as just a thought, may become an impulse that can't be undone. Talk to someone. Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your therapist (if you have one), the police, a suicide hotline, ME. Talk to someone. Please. Suicide causes irreversible damage, but that's not necessary because things can and will get better. Think of your future, don't end things early because you're depressed, please get help and talk to ANYONE. Please.

Suicide hotline- 988
Police- 911
Child abuse hotline- 1-800-4-a-child
((800)422-4453)
Sexual abuse/assault/rape hotline- 1-800-656-HOPE
((800) 656-4673)
PTSD hotline- 866-210-1303
HIV/AIDS hotline- (800) 232-4636
Domestic violence hotline- (800) 799-7233
Substance abuse and mental health hotline- (800) 662-4357
Human trafficking hotline- 1-888-373-7888

Please get help. Help is one person away. Whether it's in person, over text with a hotline, or with someone online. Please.