PTSD

Getting triggered

It always goes the same way...

I see or hear something that I shouldn't have. I freeze. My vision gets blurry, my hearing gets muffled, my stomach twists, my knees become almost as weak as my stomach to try and hold everything in as I always try not to vomit at the vision of what I saw... Everyone around always knows what's going to happen in a couple of seconds. And there's no escape. Nothing can save me after it's already too late. It's a lot like my mom in that way... No comfort no matter how much people will give to me to provide me with just that. I always end up sitting on the ground. A hand on my mouth and the other over my stomach. The thoughts are just so nauseating. 

And then I'm always completely over taken by shame and guilt for all that I've caused and the suffering I've inflicted on my own mother. I drove her to do this. Sometimes I can't help but feel I deserve her fate or worse. I should bring the same suffering on myself that I brought onto her. No one deserves this. No one deserves me. And yet, people stick around anyway... Why? Why would you stay with someone who brought someone so low they reached the point of suicide? Why? You have better friends than me, it's better for everyone that you just let me go. Maybe I should hide in the shell of my bedroom pretending to be someone I'm not. Someone who is happy and deserving of friends and family. Someone... Who doesn't bring people to such points in their lives that their lives become void of meaning and love. Maybe I should take my meds, 3x the dose my mother did. It's only fair. I should take a blade to my skin until I'm suffering just enough to live. I should go in the most cruel and gruesome way possible... With my own hands. Just like I made my mother do. Suicide surrounds me. My mother. My friends. And even more of my closest friends who have had various attempts. What is the point of living, if I just create a lack of will to live in everyone around me?

But then again, I don't really want to talk to my therapist or father about this. I don't want to leave my friends and family to explain what has happened to me. I don't want to go to a hospital or a mental hospital again. I am fine. I do not need the help of a mental hospital and I never have. Everyone self harms one point or another. So my occasional episodes where I self harm are really no big deal and nothing new. I have to hide it if I do it. My father will make me go back. I don't ever want to go back. But I also never want to cause another suicide again. But I don't want to leave my father all alone with no one to love him.

It really is just a giant battle on whether the pros outweigh the cons of suicide. But I can't help but wonder... How big of an impact... would it truly have...?