Insomnia

39| Rutland, Vermont

Chanel's Pov

"Do you want to pray before we go in?" Landon asked me. I looked down at the key in my hand. "I don't think god believes in me anymore than I believed in him." He looked up at the door and took a deep breath. "Yeah you're probably right." I pushed the key into the lock and within seconds we were in our new apartment. Our new life.

As I looked around it felt like something was missing. It felt like I was standing in someone else's life. It was something I couldn't find the words for. "Please tell me this feels suffocating to you as well." Suffocation. Yes this felt suffocating. I shrugged to him and we went back to the front door to bring in our luggage. "Do you think this was a mistake?" I asked, pushing the door shut behind me. "Yes I do. But did we have a choice?"

Vermont was cold an aching type of cold. I'm glad I came from a cold city, or we would have turned to dust by the time we landed. Vermont felt like a vacation. Something that wouldn't last. It was a three bedroom apartment, and as we walked into our shared room it felt off. It wasn't Landon's room that I found comfort in. "It'll feel like home eventually." I told him. "I know what will make it better." As he ran back out of the room I slowly took off my jacket and sat on the bed. I looked out the window to see a slow town. Nothing like the packed streets of New York.

Landon rushed back in and taped something to the wall right in front of the bed. "Ta da." He yelled as he pointed with wide arms one of the portraits he drew of me. It brought a smile to my face and reminded me why I was here with him of all people. "Look I got you to smile." He said as he ran up to me and pushed me back on the bed and laid on me. My laugh echoed through the room as he kissed my face and ear. I threw my arms around his neck as he came and acted as if the kisses knocked the air from his lungs.

"You're an idiot." I chuckled before my hands slipped from around him to his face. "But you love me anyways." He whispered. I watched my hand which slowly dragged from his jawline down to his neck. I felt as he swallowed and my eyes looked up to his lips. "But I love you anyways." I kissed him carefully and pulled away. "Are you happy?" I asked as my finger traced his jaw line. He looked around but my eyes stayed to his lips. He looked down at me once again and his small smile faded into nothing.

He stayed quiet and my heart skipped a beat. I looked up to his eyes and noticed how wet they were. He was about to shatter my heart into a million pieces with those broken gemmed eyes. "I'm scared." He admitted to me. "I'm so scared, Chanel." I brought both my hands to his face ready to wipe away any tear he may have. "Of me?" I questioned. "Of us." He said. "It's not about the money, it's not about the home, it's about us. I understand why you were scared. You probably already know this but." He paused and as I wiped away his tears I found myself trembling as well. "I fell for you and I think I'm still falling. I'm scared I'll hit hard. I don't want to fail but I'd rather fail and still have you. I know and I can feel that this isn't just puppy love."

"Every cell within you is loved by me, every atom that is yours means more to me than my own. Am I happy? No, Chanel. When I am enough for you and when I show you that I am worth your trust, I'll be happy." He went on to continue but I stopped him. I couldn't take anymore of his heartbreaking eyes. I couldn't take feeling his heart beat so hard on my chest. I couldn't take his lips trembling and his words getting caught in his throat.

I carefully pushed him off of me and stood up to walk away when I felt him grab my waist and pull me back in. I was now in front of him watching as tears fell down his face and I was trying to hide mine. I held his face and leaned down. "I trust you." That was his biggest issue. He knew deep down somewhere I didn't trust him but my trust was all within him the moment he held me in his lap behind that bar. I was just afraid to admit it to myself. If I did that would mean I gave myself to someone and I wasn't ready. "I trust you with my whole heart and soul. I trust no one who is not you. If I were to drop dead right now I'd die knowing the idiot I love and trust held me close. And I trust you will love me now and when I'm ugly and old. I trust you."

He took in a deep breath and lifted his shirt to wipe his face. When he looked back up to me, I shook my head. "God I hate seeing you cry." I told him, dropping back into his arms. "I'm sorry." But I'm glad he cries. I'm glad I have a man who isn't afraid to show how he feels and sees me like I'm the only person to roam this earth. Nothing lasts forever but we will. We will last till the sun dies and the moon explodes. No one needs to know what we have and why we have it. They just need to know he is mine and I am his.