The Scars Run So Deep

Memories

I awoke to the sound of a man's voice singing in what appeared to be Russian, living with Alexander I'd got used to hearing Russian and I'd picked up the language myself over the last ten years. The question, I asked myself as I climbed out of bed, was who was singing? I was in a house full of men and I only knew two of them, there was a young operative called Jasper who was friendly enough... though distant I guess because of his job and there was Lucas. A man who had promised to keep me safe and I knew that he meant every word he had sent to me, my instinct about him was that I could trust him. I deeply regretted how cold I'd been with him when we'd met yesterday morning... Had it really only been twenty four hours since I had met the man? It seemed like forever ago.

I set about getting myself sorted for the day ahead, a long shower and I changed into a simple outfit of jeans and a man's dress shirt. Not like I was going anywhere, I was hoping Harry Pearce would have some good news for us, the idea of being at the house I'd spent so many happy holidays as a child really appealed. At least there, I'd have things that reminded me of better times around me.

Making my way downstairs and into the large kitchen I was greeted with the site of one Lucas North cooking breakfast. The man was lost to whatever he was listening to on his music player and had no idea that I was there, I quietly sat at the large pine table and watched him... my mind wandered back to my life with Alexander.

We'd met when I was eighteen and he was thirty, my parents were far from happy when I brought this man home. They forbid me to date him, saying I had no idea what love was, that he would destroy me. I of course refused to listen, I was in love with this tall dark haired, passionate man who swore he'd love me till the world ended and that I was his own diamond 'pure in amongst the dirt and grime of the world'. Within twelve months, I had given up my past and married Alexander Dimitrov. I was ecstatic, I saw my life as being perfect with the perfect man by my side; I wanted to have a loving home with our beautiful children.

For three blissful years, we enjoyed our love for one another, Alexander was wealthy and I never questioned what it was he did. He said that my pretty head didn't need to worry about such thing as money, that I should just enjoy my life... I took him at his word, I spent time organising parties with his friends wives, all of whom I noticed were young like myself. Unlike me though, they all had children. It was something I wanted dearly, to see the children Alexander and I had created in our love for one another... but it seemed we were not going to be blessed. We went and had every test available and were told that the chance of us conceiving was next to none, the problem, it appeared lay with me. Something was wrong with me and I felt a failure as a woman, and I felt I had failed Alexander as a wife; we started to argue all the time or he went away for long periods, sometimes months at a time.

I became so lonely, even when I was with the women who had become my friends, I felt so empty. They had everything I wanted, had hoped for that June day when Alexander and I had said 'I do' in the registry office a few years previous. I wanted the loving adoring husband and the children all around me and here I was, alone. Alexander always called, and at the every phone call he said that he loved me but the words, they sounded so cold. I was in a marriage that had no happy ever after.

When Alexander came home, which became less and less, he showered me in extravagant gifts, jewellery from Tiffany and Company to the degree I had some of the little blue boxes I had only opened when I had first been given the gift, I had hundreds of expensive clothes from all my favourite designers... anything that money could buy he bought me. I had a wardrobe full of clothes I had nowhere to wear them for months on end, cars I would never use because I was too afraid to drive them. I wanted time with the man I loved, actually, all I wanted was the man I had fallen in love with but I didn't know where he was any more. The man who wore his face was a stranger.