The Scars Run So Deep

A Beginning... and an End

I lay there as the fog of a drug induced sleep left me and the memory of the night before came crashing back into my mind. Elena was pregnant and it was my baby. The wonderful realisation that I could be a father in a few months overwhelmed me once more, I had to get to Elena – had to see for myself that she was well. I took a gamble that I could make it into the hallway to where Dimitri would no doubt be sleeping the first few hours of the morning away, I didn't care how or what protestations he gave me – he was taking me to that ward to see Elena. Every step towards the door hurt, my body had been through a lot in the last God knows how many years doing the job I did and despite knowing that there would be pain and an element of weakness I hated to experience both. I saw the pain in some respects as a symbol of failure, for every wince, every tug on my broken body reminded me that I lived when others had died doing the job I was supposed to be the best at. Yet, not for all the world would I change places with the men who had died that fateful morning, not even Jasper who I had regarded as a friend, because if I had perished I would not have been blessed with a second change at life – that second chance now lying in ward 4D of the maternity complex located across the large car park from the large building I was in.

“Elena my love, I am coming to you and nothing will come between us again. I know in my heart what I must do. I feared I would never have reason in my life to leave it all behind but I do now. You.”

Mumbling the words to myself as I thought of her face and how her voice soothed me I shook the shoulder of Dimitri who as I expected, was asleep – his long legs stretched out getting in the way of nurses, orderlies and doctors alike.

“Dimitri get up... you and I have somewhere to go and I think you know where.”

Nodding at me he pulled himself upright before his eye began searching for something and when I noticed what he was looking at, I cringed but knew it was a necessity to get me to where I wanted to go. A bloody wheelchair – now I really did feel vulnerable. Needs must as they say. My large frame in the chair felt uncomfortable as I waited somewhat impatiently for Dimitri to charm the nurse into allowing me to visit Elena, not that a nurse would stop me really. I was going to that damn building even if I had to crawl. Every part of me was filled with the need, the want to get to her, one night apart since we had been reunited in this very room.

It took too long, having to be careful that my injuries didn't get damaged any more than they had been – I simply couldn't afford to find myself lying in that bed healing for God knows how long again. Yet, finding myself being taken along the hallways beneath the hospital and it's car park I thought only of my future, I had no real idea what I would do with my life but I knew that Elena and my child were going to be a part of it.

Within a few minutes I found myself on the maternity unit, somewhere if I was completely honest I had never thought I would be... Moving along the various wards with women and their newborns , along to ward 4D and the small bay with six bed in it, there by the window was a sleeping Elena. Taking in the vision of her, I guided the wheelchair over to her, no longer needing nor wanting Dimitri's help. All I wanted was to be by her side, to ensure that she was well as long with our baby. Taking in the image of her young face, slightly pale through lack of sleep and exhaustion I realised that I had nearly lost everything I had wanted for so long... my anger bubbled beneath the surface. I wanted, needed to find some form of revenge against Alexander Dimitrov – the man had haunted me for years, had taken away days and nights of my life in his lies and deceit. The man was languishing in a British cell awaiting trial for his many crimes against this country before making his way to others where he would be tried once more. Even the fact that the man would never see the light of day again was not enough for me, despite vowing that I would not make my work personal – it had come to be this time. This time, I would ensure that Alexander Dimitrov never took a breath whilst I had the ability to stop it.

Somehow I was going to visit him, and I was going to eradicate the problem.

I knew it would cost me, my job certainly if not more – I knew looking at her though, at my reason for wanting to move on with my life and leave the Hell my work brought me behind that I would lay down my life to guarantee her freedom. With Alexander alive although contained theoretically, Elena would never be free to live her life without fear of recrimination.

* * * *

“Elena my love... are you okay? Talk to me sweetheart, I think judging by where we are right now that there's something you wanted to tell me.”

Looking at Elena, at the gentle curves of her body, looking at her now I could see the subtle changes in her face and body – her eyes although tired had a brighter look to them, her face and body fuller and her curves more pronounced. Even under the white blanket they had wrapped around her small frame it was noticeable. In truth, the woman I thought was beautiful, irresistible and without a doubt everything I wanted was all the more beautiful than before. My earlier thoughts of laying down my life for her wavering, I loved this woman and the baby growing inside her more than anything how could I be so selfish to think I could possibly leave her alone in this world. It was simple really, thinking about it – I would kill Alexander if I got the chance and then spend what time I was given on this Earth with her. I was not so naïve as to believe that even if I managed to leave the world I have been part of for the last decade and a half I would be looking over my shoulder – working for MI5 had got me many enemies. Enemies that would know how to find me, to kill me if given a chance. Truth was, putting that envelope in front of Harry Pearce would only give me freedom from Thames House, not from the life it had led me to live for so long.

“Lucas, I wanted to tell you... every second we were together yesterday I saw a chance to tell you but I was scared.

Scared that you wouldn't want me any more, that you wouldn't want this baby with me.”

My face fell at her words, how could she possibly think I wouldn't want her in my life, surely even if she'd had that doubt at the beginning – she must have realised when I refused to let her leave my side, when I told her that I loved her I meant it.

“I love you Elena, I think I was even before I realised it myself... You and our baby are my all. There is nothing, absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for you both. One way or another we are leaving this hospital together when the doctors give you the all clear – I don't give a damn about anything but you.

Never doubt me. If you ever feel you're worried about something I do, or something I say – talk to me, let me in.

What she showed me next was a black and white scan photo a small white oval was in amongst the hazy image that I realised very quickly was our child. This image in my hands was my future. It was incredible, I couldn't believe it – in a few months this tiny baby that was growing inside my well, girlfriend I suppose, would be in my arms.

* * * *

Lying on the narrow bed next to her, I held onto her and watched her sleep, nurses came in to check on her smiling at the two of us before quietly leaving us alone. We were lucky, even for a little while to have the quiet, the peace that being together gave us. I couldn't help it – my eyes grew tired holding her to me – it was true that I was far from comfortable but there was nowhere else I would be.

Kissing her forehead and stroking her peaceful face I vowed that nevermore would she experience the heartbreak she had been through in her life with Alexander.

No more, I would get out of this hospital, get her home wherever that would be and then... then I would destroy Alexander Dimitrov once and for all.

Within the month, he would breathe his last and no one would know I had been involved, I'd make sure of it.