72 hours

Fight

Monday 1pm
I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. Jess was laying next to me with our shoulders touching. I couldn't stop thinking about what just happened and us laying like this also reminded me about my first night with Billie at the park, I couldn't escape her.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I could feel Jess staring at me but I refused to take my eyes off the ceiling, I shook my head.

"You're gunna have to talk about it sooner or later so you might as well just get it over with now." she continued to stare at me.

"Ugh fine, last night I woke up from a nightmare and Billie helped me calm down, we had ice cream and watched tv, she then held me after we finished eating and I ended up falling asleep right away, when you left her room this morning, she confessed her feelings to me but I panicked and ran away," my eyes started to water.

"Aliyah, I love you so much but that's so fucked up. You gotta apologize and tell her how you truly feel whether it's the same as her or not at all, I can't imagine how she feels right now, ou're leading her on because I never even hug you and you let her hold you."

"Why do I feel this way? I only met her a couple days ago and all I want to do is spend time with her, I can't stop thinking about her and it's frustrating because I want to allow myself to feel things towards her, but I'm holding myself back because I just met her."  I turned my head towards her.

My vision became more blurred, It took everything in me to hold back my tears. I couldn't cry because I wouldn't be able to stop. I hate crying around people because it makes me feel so weak.

"Sometimes, someone will come into your life and there's something about them that you'll attach yourself to, think about it like putting tape over a ripped piece of paper; whatever your insecurity is, the other person seals it and makes you feel better." Jess stared at me but her eyes became vacant the more she talked as if she was realizing something halfway through her speech.

Jess was right but I can't face Billie again. I knew that once I see her I'd start crying right away and I wouldn't be able to handle her yelling at me. The night I met her I realized I had to push her away but now it hurts. I wish Jess never took me back to her house because then I wouldn't feel this way.

"You shouldn't have taken me over there," I mumbled to myself.

"What?" Her eyebrows furrowed together.

"You shouldn't have taken me over there! I told you I didn't want to go and you still took me. None of this would've happened if you let me stay home, Now I don't know what to do and I'm so stressed out over some girl I just met. This whole thing makes me feel so stupid!" my voice was a little louder than before.

"How is this my fault?" anger wrapped around her words.

"Because none of this would be happening if you didn't take me to that party. It's all your fault!" I yelled and got up.

"Don't put the blame on me you're the one that agreed the the party, you're the one that went home that night with Billie knowing I could've picked you up, you're the one that slept with Billie last night, you're the one that ran out on her. If anything this is all your fault!" she started yelling and got up standing inches away from me.

It took everything in me to not hit her. I would never hit her but I was just so angry and frustrated at everything right now it felt impossible to not hit her. I knew I shouldn't be taking my anger out on her but I couldn't help feel this way.

"That's what I thought," she looked me up and down before leaving slamming my door behind her.

I stared at her as she left never taking my eyes off the closed door. The second she left I got even angrier, mainly just more frustrated at myself than I was earlier. I started throwing anything I could get my hands on.

The few picture frames that were on my dresser being thrown across the room. I watched as the frame broke into a million pieces. I grabbed the tv remote from my nightstand and threw it at the door. The lamp from my nightstand being thrown at the wall furthest from me. I grabbed the empty cups from my dresser and threw them as hard as I could at the wall, I stared at them while they broke watching the shards of glass fly everywhere.

I let out a loud scream and punched the wall closest to me. I put my hand back to my side and stared at the ground trying to catch my breath. My outburst somehow calmed me down. I took a step back and stared at the hole I just created. My eyes started to water as everything hit me at once. I sat down with my knees against my chest hugging my legs while I stared at the hole. I refused to look around the room knowing it would make me even more frustrated.

I put my head down on my knees and started crying. The tears just kept falling easily sliding out of my eyes. I hated myself for everything. For everything that went down with Billie and the fight that just happened between me and Jess. Everything was all my fault and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to fix it.

I managed to push everyone out of my life sooner than expected. Maybe It would be easier if I ended it earlier.

32 hours... maybe