My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

5/4/11

Sorry I didn't update this weekend. Huge paper due Friday. So this is gonna be short. I'll try to write more on Sunday.

So I have three things to say right now that really impacted me and I need to talk about.

Number one:

S is in a fight with one of her friends, and she says her other friends all chose this other girl over her. She's crying about it. I hate when she gets this way, because im really sympathetic to people I care about when they cry. It makes me wanna cry, and heaven knows I don't need another reason.

I gave her a hug and told her I loved her. Just out of impulse. It mad me feel worse in a way, because she's never done it for me. But I just want her to feel better, because crying brings awful emotions like hopelessness. And I've been there.

I know when I felt alone, it was awful, and I just wanted someone there for me. I'm trying to be that for S, but I feel like I'm not enough. Like she needs more, and I'm just another irritation. It just keeps getting worse. It makes my heart hurt.

Number two:

Today I realized that I no longer feel guilty for naming V1 the villain. Cuz that's just what he is.

I was talking today in theatre. It's the only class where ive gradually become comfortable with people. And V1 just interrupts me with,"no ones listening, you're talking to yourself."

I've never felt so terrible about myself. I nearly started crying. He just took one of my biggest insecurities and exploited it. So now I'm never going to be comfortable there again. My one fun class is ruined.

On the plus side, F6 saw that I was upset and helped me feel better. Then later when she and S were going off on him for it, he didn't even care. Even when he knew how much he hurt me, he dint think anything of it. He literally has no conscience. He's just an awful person, nothing more. I just wish he didn't have so much influence over everyone.

Number three:

A few nights ago I said goodnight to my mom and was walking out of her room when she told me something. She said," Imhappy that you've been happier recently. Or at least you've been acting happier. I'm proud of you."

I would've corrected her, but I don't think she would have understood. Yes, I hide my emotions well. But I'm not happier. In any way. If anything, this emptiness is worse than the sadness it replaced. But the fact that she thinks it's better to hide the hurt than to get help worried me. What if I never get the help because she won't let me?

Even worse, what if she is just hiding it? She's been on medication for it for years, but what if it's not helping? I can tell she's not entirely happy. I know the signs of the hidden pain, and I see them in her. She wouldn't do anything bad or hurt herself, but I want her to be happy. I really don't think she is.

Thats all I have time for right now. Thank you all for reading and being there for me.