My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

10/17/11

I don't know what it is, but something is really hurting me right now. Something deep in my heart or my brain or my soul just hurts so badly right now . I don't know what to do about it. I just feel really distant from everything. And this is all I can think of to get it out.

My great grandmother died yesterday. Since she lives- lived- in a different state, we couldn't visit, but we did call her. We told her that we loved her and missed her. I think she was ready to go. She was just over 100, after all. But it's still upsetting. Even though we weren't really close to her, she's still the closest person to us that's died. I guess we've been lucky in that way.

But it got me thinking about death more than usual. And that isn't exactly a safe topic for me. I tend to drive myself crazy with things like that.

Anyway, I've been thinking about the strange effects of death. Anyone who dies is missed by a lot of people, but thousands of people die everyday. It's a necessity so the planet doesn't become overcrowded. But it's so different when it's someone you know. Then it's not just a person that died, it's a sister, a mother, a husband, a grandfather. And when I think about it, it makes me so terrified that it will be my sister or my mother, or even one of my friends. I don't think I could handle it. I think my inexperience with death has made me more sensitive to it. So maybe it wasn't so lucky.

Then again, that's a little hypocritical of me. I dint know if I've ever told you this, but I often think that it would be so much easier to just let go of it all. I mean, once you're gone, you don't care. You feel pain or guilt or regret when it happens, but then, no matter what afterlife you believe in, it's gone. You can start over, or it just all disappears. Personally, I believe that when we go, we live in heaven with God, and spend all of our time praising Him. Which sounds better than suffering through this life. Like, "they're in a better place." And it sounds like a nice place to be.

Are those suicidal thoughts? I don't think so. But maybe they are. All I know is I would never dream of actually doing it. I care too much about S and my mom and all the Fs and my family. Plus, despite my certainty that the afterlife is better than life itself, the thought of no longer having life scares the crap out of me. I'm terrified of dying just as much as I'm terrified of the people around me dying, just as much as, if not more than, I'm tired of life the way it is now.

Speaking of which, I'm starting to get really tired of living in fear of everything. I don't want to sleep with the tv on because I'm afraid of the dark. I dint want to avoid parties because I'm afraid of socializing. And more than anything, I don't want to avoid life because I'm afraid of upsetting myself. How am I going to survive this world if I can't make decisions or go out in public or last a full day away from my sister?

I'm so sick and tired of it all! Something has to change, and soon.

But I'm so afraid( there's that stupid word again!) to ask for help, for two reasons:

1. We all saw how it worked out last time. It resulted in the complete loss of hope and the first scar purposely scratched into my arm. I know, it did help a little. I got some medicine, but that has all been sort of experimental. I don't know if it's working. But now I think I really do need therapy. Even if the depression is slightly more controlled, this social anxiety has taken it's place. And I know we don't exactly have ghettos or money for it, but it's important. I just don't think my mom would see this, and I'm so afraid that I'll just be denied again, which would just make me feel angry and embarrassed than I am now.

2. I'm just a teenager. Most people will look at me and say, it's just the changes in your brain. You'll get over it. But even if that's true, why does that mean I have to live with it until my brain is fully developed? Why should I not get the same treatment as everyone else? I'm just scared I'll embarrass myself by asking and getting a generic response. I don't want to be treated like an ignorant child, because I know myself better than any of them ever will, whoever they are. I know how I feel, and I'm nearly certain it isn't normal. It doesn't take a medical degree to compare symptoms. I've done a fair amount of research, and I have every possible symptom of social anxiety. I just don't want to be told that it's all inside my head.

But just because it's all inside my head doesn't mean it's not real.

(Sorry; it's a necessary Harry Potter reference. Because I'm a nerd, and that's what I do.)

Who am I? I keep saying I'm a nerd, and I describe myself to you with the most accuracy I can while still staying anonymous, but who am I really? I can't seem to figure it out. Sometimes I'm content and I joke around with my friends and I let myself be satisfied with life. Then there are times when I am just so completely restless and upset and impossible to be around. And I'm almost positive it isn't just "being a teenager". In a twisted way, I sort of hope it isn't just a teenage thing. For one, that would mean I've been wrong in everything I've said the entire past year hear. Also, I think it would take a way a large part of who I think I am. My fears control so much of my life right now, that if they disappeared without reason I would be startled, and a bit frightened.

Wow. Now that that's out of my system, I'll tell you about the past two days.

Yesterday, Sunday, I went to church for the first time in a while. I've been feeling for some time that I need guidance in my life, and I've been praying for God to show me the way to go. But then I realized, how can I expect God to help me if I don't let him? So when my mom spontaneously decided she wanted to go to church this weekend, I went with her, even though it always makes me cry. So I went. I didn't care for the sermon because it was all about how the church needed more money, which upset me because of the ridiculous amount of technology they have, but while I was there I got to thinking. (Nothing goo ever follows that phrase.) I really need to connect more with God, but religion is a very uncomfortable topic with me, because I feel so judged. First off, there's the fact that there are so many teenagers there, and that makes me feel nervous just because it always does. Then there's the whole," You're just a teenager, you're too young to understand." thing that people always say; I feel like if I said that I felt like I needed more guidance they would tell me I'm too young to really understand it, and that would be mortifying. Also, since I haven't been going to church steadily since I was maybe ten, I feel like the others at church would make me feel inferior, or somehow more sinful. I don't want to be told I'm a terrible person just because I'm too afraid of everything to join a church.

So today was interesting. We had another friend over to work on a Spanish project, and let me say, it's going to blow all the others out of the water. It's pretty epic. But the problem is, once she left, the emptiness came back. I hate so much that every happy experience is marred by the knowledge that once it is over I'll just feel empty. I'm so tired of it. But on the plus side, our Spanish teacher seems to like us more now than she did last year.

Also, do you remember me saying that S writes poetry? Well, I stumbled upon her poems today while looking for her Spanish dictionary. I looked at them, just to see what they were about, but I didn't actually read them. I felt like it was an invasion of privacy. I would probably cry if S found this. I dotn want my personal thoughts read by anyone I know, so I won't read hers. Although, I suppose mine are much more accessible. I couldn't really blame her for reading this if she just found it randomly on wattpad. I could only be mad if she found it on my iPod and read it. Although it is public, so technically I couldn't even blame her then. But it's my diary. It's not meant for the eyes of people I know.

I have nothing else to say, and my iPod is dying, so I'm going to end this here. Something about social situations just put me in a writing mood.

So thank you all for reading, it is much appreciated. I like to think that I will somehow influence someone. If I can make one person feel something, anything, then I feel like I'm successful.

That's all for now.

Goodbye.

"What do you say when your heart's not in it? What do you do when you just don't get it? Where do you go when you reach your limit? All I know is, you are my only one." -My Only One, All Time Low.

(I know this song is most likely about a relationship, but I like to think of it as having only one life and not knowing what to do with it. That's my own interpretation.)