Friends for life?

40. Recovery Pt 1

In the days that followed, the breakdown's became more frequent. I thought I was hiding it well, crying in the shower, holding it together until Leah left for training then spending the day curled up in bed. Crying myself to sleep during the day and staring at the walls during the night. I know what I need to do, training would solve this or at least it would distract me from how I felt.

I know I can't go to training or go for a run, but I can exercise inside where nobody can see me. I had it all planned out, I waited until Leah left and Charlie had been picked up for doggy day care. Ignoring the niggling aches in my stomach, I changed into a sports bra and shorts before heading into my home gym.

Looking around myself I felt happy for the first time in days. My 100 international appearances shirt hung on the wall next to 150 Arsenal appearances, two of my proudest achievements. I'm a way, seeing those shirts spurred me on. Starting with a walk I slowly increased the speed and incline on the treadmill until I could feel something.

"Fuck, this is harder than I thought"  as I was now between a brisk walk and a jog. Sweat dripping down my face, as I kept going. Cmon Isla, you can do better than this. I pushed and pushed until the pain in my stomach was unbearable, like someone was ripping my scars open.

I don't remember getting off the treadmill or how long I'd been sitting here.  I was sitting on the floor trying to breathe normally as Amanda tried to calm me down. She'd let herself in when I didn't answer my phone or the door.

Amanda had been in touch with my mum throughout and they'd decided between them it was for the best if I get away for a while to recover.
I've spent the last 5 days back in Scotland with my family resting and recovering from surgery.

I'm hiding. Hiding from my life back in London and the responsibilities that come with it. The truth. I'm struggling and have been for longer than I can admit even to myself. Recent events have forced me to relive the past.

Is this it? Everyone leaves you Isla... thinking back I counted those I'd lost in some way
My dad, he was the first to leave. That was probably the worst Christmas of my entire life, I didn't know it at the time that would be the last time I'd see him in person.

Only 1 year later, at 7 years old, I experienced grief for the first time. My granny. It hit me hard. I didn't know it at the time but granny was ill and had been for years, I didn't know any better. I'd spent every single day with her since the day I was born, she lived with us.  I was the youngest of the grandkids and got away with murder where she was concerned.

Marcus, my best friend. We'd been friends since we were 6 and stuck by each other ever since. We'd spent our childhood days together, we were the most unlikely friendship. Complete opposites but it worked. Despite having no clue about sports, especially football, he was one of my biggest supporters. Cheering me on even in the early days of playing in the boys team, Marcus was there. Years later we joked about how he only came to check out the boys and had no clue what was actually happening in the game.
I remember the day I got THAT call like it was yesterday, my whole world changed. This was the first time I'd experienced loss as an adult and it hit hard.  It was sudden and unexpected, but once again I'd been left behind by someone I loved.

Josh. Looking back he left years before we'd called it quits. I guess the distance was too much but neither of us could admit that it was over before it was. I'd made peace with the end of our relationship before it actually happened. I wonder would things have been different if the distance didn't separate us.

The last to leave was Leah. The day before she flew to America and those words left my mouth before I could think about the consequences. Did I regret it? Yes. The unspoken words between us still lingered. Since that day, I often wondered where would we be now if I hadn't let my brain overtake my heart.

And now the most recent... baby T. Nobody even knows you existed, I didn't even know until it was too late. You suffered unnecessarily due to my recklessness. I carried on with life, oblivious to your need to be protected. An innocent soul, a life lost needlessly.

I didn't want you, but I would never have wanted you to suffer. The last 10 days I've battled with my own thoughts and emotions always coming to the same conclusion.

Everybody leaves you Isla, you couldn't even keep a baby alive.

A/N
Finally an update. A bit later than planned and not proof read but it's done.