routine ~ i just wanna sleep, but if i go to sleep that results in me waking up. hours of my life wasted and people being awake to make my life miserable. i hate people, well most of them. i love my friends. there what keeps me going. i love my family but there too, normal. i'm so used to them being in my day to day life that i hate them being there. it's not that i want them to not be apart of my life it's that there adding on to the routine that makes my life boring. i love my friends parents because i'm not used to them. i'm not used to there lifestyle. but that doesn't mean i want them over my family, don't get me wrong. i love them and want them as my family, but i also don't wanna lose my current family. i hate my normal day routine. but on the weekend when i don't have routine i feel bored. so either way i'm unhappy. the only time i'm happy is on days with my friends, not including school, because school is routine. idk.
sensory overload ~ i need to cry. but if i cry then i'll breakdown, and then i'll be loud, but i need to cry. my body is shutting down on itself. because the only other option to crying is sleep, but if i try and sleep i'm just gonna end up sitting awake. if i cry i can release those thoughts and go to bed. but i don't have any tears left to cry. my body is so tired. i wanna go on my roof and breathe fresh air but i can't put on a shirt. i'll feel like i'm choking, sensory overload, we no likey.
body dysmorfia ~ i'm sitting in my chair currently. sports bra and shorts, i hate it, my stomach is exposed, i don't like my chest showing but there not horrible unless i look down. the problem is the stomach, i can feel it above the level of my waistband and it is making me so much more dysphoric then i was feeling, i looked in the mirror earlier, bad idea, my forehead was bigger then usual, i took my bun out cuz i thought that was the cause, it wasn't. my cheeks were really red. and my stomach, my belly button looks huge, my stomach had like 7 rolls. my chest and torso in general looked longer and bigger. idk, i didn't look like that earlier, and honestly i don't think i look like that currently, body dysmorphia? idk i don't know if i have it and i don't want anyone to think i'm diagnosed with it when i'm not
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age = 13 yo
i have since been diagnosed with body dysmorphia and autism. here were some of the pre-diagnosis thoughts. the routine things were some ocd-like symptoms from my autism.
i remember sitting on my chair underneath my loft bed with my feet on the bars with a fan blowing at me with my hair in a tight bun with shorts and a sports bra on. i couldn't let any of my limbs touch.
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allium ~ my diary
Şiiri love flowers and music, so this is my flower and music themed diary. i write diary entries on my notes app when i feel something that's either unusual or when i'm struggling mentally. i decided to release them for other who may feel alone. i will...
