Dancing In His Storm [BxB] √

16.3: The One Who's Dying Inside

AMBROSE

My hands were already bleeding as I continued to punch the wall with such unwarranted anger. I don't quite remember climbing up inside here but I am inside our turf at the abandoned part of the school. I was so upset by what happened at the cafeteria that it had forced me to walk out of the situation as soon as possible. I don't know what has changed inside of me but I was quite surprised that I didn't jump right into the already occurring ruckus. Perhaps I don't want to get involved but that sounded so much absurd. I have every reason, most probably every right to join in with the fun but something was just keeping my body from jumping right in. If this was before I discovered my newfound feelings for August, I would've probably exploded like the most active volcano in the whole wide world. I would've even ranted like a raging bull aiming for that red waving garment. This would've probably caused something that might kick me out of this school.

I am, in a way, happy that I didn't choose to cause a scene. I guess some people, mostly the gossip ones, were probably wondering about my thoughts about this shenanigan just like Phil, Marlon and Leopold. Despite of that, I was left broken in midair that I have no idea how to calm my shit down. I was just dying inside to hold August Levisay and this is what I get. I was more than ready to be gay if that's what people might call it. I was gravely hungry to let him know about what I'm feeling. All of these fucking bullshit, just to hear Nicole announce to the whole school that he's dating Rachel Curtis.

I had good feelings that something magical was going to happen today but I didn't quite expect that the opposite would happen. I should've just pulled August aside when I had that one chance during our first break. I should've ignored the people surrounding him and just approached him knowing that I am still the most feared person. I know I had the authority to do that. I can probably just stare at Rachel, Nicole and Victoria and they'd keep their mouth shut and let go of August.

That was fucking stupid of me.

I stopped punching the walls and eventually sat on the dusty floor looking like an absolute mess. I looked at my bleeding knuckles for a brief moment and felt the undeserving self-pity. I tried catching my breath and I just realized that it's a little bit harder to be this exhausted when you're already feeling something painful on the inside. My chest seemed to be losing its natural space making it even more difficult for me to breathe. I covered my face with my palms eventually closing both of my eyes and I thought I would be seeing paradise, but all I saw was darkness. Nothing but darkness.

I stayed at my position for about ten minutes until everything cooled down to a bearable state. My breathing returned to its normal state, although I can still feel the shortness in my breath. My legs began to grow numb and that's the moment that I decided to stand up before eventually leaving the abandoned room.

There's still a few minutes left before the next bell and I thought I would try to find solace for myself. I walked around the school grounds until I became lost mentally. My body was just walking laps until something take ahold of my body. Skipping class wasn't my intention at all but my body was moving on its own as if it has its own cerebellum. My feet took me towards my motorcycle and the next thing I know, I was already riding to who knows where. My mind was simply not functioning and I ended up driving around town until my brains woke up from its comatose state. I immediately thought of going swimming at my favorite spot again.

The moment I arrived at the riverbank, I stood still facing the tranquil river looking like a lost person. I watched the water as it moved pretty calmly and glistened just like a silver garment. I suddenly felt jealous of the river. It was so placid. There was a growing storm inside of me and this body of water has the audacity to be placid and undisturbed.

I started stripping off my uniform leaving nothing but my naked body all for the nature to gawk at. I'm alone again but I know I needed this time to be with myself. I can't be around people when I'm so much upset. I began walking towards the water hoping that I would drown all of this anger, disappointment and quite frankly, this jealousy. I walked further and further until the water reached my neck. It's getting a bit harder to breath when my chest was submerged under the water but I kind of like this. This kind of deliberate struggle is what I want to at least make me feel better. I started jumping just to keep afloat until the moment that I just pulled myself underwater.

I closed my eyes as I tried to ration my oxygen while underwater.

Should I just move on?

The question quickly popped up inside of my head. I haven't really started to let my ship sail through this uncharted waters but I was already put to a halt. The plan is all laid out and all I have to do is to execute it.

I can't believe I'm asking this delusional question when clearly, there's nothing going on between August and me. I don't even know if he's gay or does he have some sort of feelings towards me. I just realized that I don't know anything at all.

This is so fucked up. I can't even blame August for that but I can't still believe that he's dating Rachel of all the possible people. I wished it was me. We wouldn't be announcing it to the world but I wished it was me. Call me gay or whatever but I still wish it was me. The thought of going out with August makes me feel good and alive in all levels. I know it was just a thought. I know it was just something that I'm dreaming of but I felt a hint of this feeling during that short time that we spent time together.

By the time I ran out of oxygen, I was forced to float above the surface. I gasped out for air and I didn't know I was already laughing like a mad man. I dived back underwater the moment I caught enough amount of oxygen. This is starting to feel addictive and I don't even know why I liked it. I did the same routine for about ten minutes until I decided that I had enough of it. I went to the riverbank and before eventually climbing up the huge boulder. I felt my knuckles were hurting but that was just a small ant bite in blatant comparison to the real amount of pain that I am in.

"Fu** you, August!" I began screaming my wrath into the open air. "FU** YOU!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs as if I owned this place. I heard my voice reverberating through out the woods and somehow, I wished August heard this.

"F** you too, Rachel! FU** YOU!!!" I continued shouting. A few weeks ago, I was just upset at August for stealing Rachel away from me. But now, with the plot twist that I never would've expected, things had a complete one eighty turn. I am now mad at Rachel for stealing August away from me.

It was still early when I decided to go home. I had nowhere else to go quite honestly. The town of Mary Heights seemed like a whole world that I could explore even though I've been living here for the past seventeen years. There are still a few suburbs that I haven't visited yet but I don't have the strength to ride around town. My mind and soul were just exhausted. I checked my phone and saw Phil had called many times. He even sent a text message looking for me but I just ignored it.

I parked my motorcycle and eventually went inside the house. I went straight to the kitchen and poured a glass of water. After quenching my thirst, I saw some fresh limes inside the fridge and I immediately thought of quenching this pain. I grabbed two limes and cut them into two eventually squeezing them onto the fresh wounds on my knuckles.

"Arghh!" I moaned as I began to feel the burning sensation. I saw theextracts seeping right inside the wounds of my knuckles subsequently giving methis unexpectedly wonderful feeling of pain. I was hoping to lessen the painbut nothing happened that I desired. I still feel awful. I still feeldisappointed. And I'm still dying inside to hold August.