Dancing In His Storm [BxB] √

22.3: Love & Predicament

AUGUST

I was dead right when I thought I won't be having some kind of hangover last night after walking several kilometers. The walkathon journey probably helped secrete most of the alcohol inside my system through the sweats and the hot breath that I've been huffing out while walking through the coldness of the night. I don't know if that's how it works but I woke up pretty much normal. I have no head banging headache which was super great and I don't feel like I've been worked out so much judging by the absence of fatigue. I may have concluded that I don't have any hangover, despite of that conclusion, there's still this overwhelming feeling of dehydration. I also smell pretty awful and I was thinking that I really should've took a quick shower before heading to bed.

It was already nine in the morning when I jumped out of bed and instantly brought myself towards the kitchen. I poured myself some water and just after a full glass, my dehydration was all quenched much to my delight.

I was just wondering, If I only felt this dehydration then Rachel, Victoria and Nicole were probably all fucked up. They're most definitely squirming and struggling to take the hangover. Most especially Victoria, she was fucked up and I don't blame her for being wasted almost the entire time that I was there. It's her house party and she really lived her life to the fullest.

I walked back to my bed just to snatch my phone highly hoping that Ambrose might have already decided to respond. I checked up my messages and much to my dismay, no one actually thought of me. I never received any type of messages, most specifically from the people that I'm expecting to check up on me. Neither Rachel nor Ambrose hadn't thought of me. Or maybe they're both still in deep slumber after all, they both had an interesting Friday night. I would totally understand if Rachel's still sprawled up in bed with a very messy hair, looking rather rough and maybe, just maybe, still wasted. Just like Victoria, she just dived into the pool of alcohol like there's no tomorrow. I don't know much about Ambrose, he was really mad and was quite obviously hurt. We really had a rough moment last night and I know I should be the one checking up on him. I know he ignored all of my calls last night but I know for a certain fact that I need to be more persistent. Maybe that way he'll realize that I'm just a poor soldier caught in the crossfire of this unfortunate turn of events.

I fucked up. That's the bottom line. It might not be a big time fuck up but it's getting there. I'm starting to grow afraid that Ambrose might just hate me again and we are traveling all the way back to square one. And I don't want any of that to happen, mostly after everything that had happened between us. I can't imagine both of us crossing paths only to fight again like we used to. I'm probably going to lose to him or perhaps I'm just going to let him beat the shit out of me.

I sat at the very edge of my bed and stared outside the window as my head began to drift further away. This was the first time that a guy had really confessed his true feelings towards me and that he's really owning up to it without any further reservations. I'm going to admit the feeling was heavenly. It's what every straight people out there describe as butterflies in their stomach, the kind of electrifying feeling that's making you swoon and giddy and stupid. It's probably every gay's dream to have someone who really likes you and I'm living it. However, there was this problem of me apparently, having a girlfriend. And that's fucked up. Everything's fucked up. Me playing the straight guy was fucked up. Me dating the most popular girl in school just to climb up the social ranking was fucked up.

There's a part of me that wants to break up with Rachel but it was quickly bombarded with follow up questions. What would I tell Rachel? It's easy to create lies but I've already lied to her more than I could ever count. I'm even lying to her every single day making her believe that I'm straight when in fact, I'm not really into girls. How would I tell her that? When? Why? The situation's already complicated but it's even more complex when you start deeply pondering about it.

How did I found myself in this messy debacle? I wondered yawning like I still want some more sleep. I don't want more sleep; I want some peace of mind even just for a day but I know that's not going to happen. Things were just simple when I first came here but they just gradually turned complicated in just a blink of an eye, and I'm stuck in these traps. I was just anxious of being bullied and all I did was to pretend that I'm straight and now, I'm stuck in this quicksand that's slowly swallowing me up.

Was this really the way I wanted to write my own story? I remember the conversation I had with Mary where she basically loathed me for being the luckiest person in the whole wide world. She blabbered a lot of things stating that I'm lucky that I get to hold the pen and write my own story. She was right, she had everything right. But now, I don't know if that luck had brought anything good to me.

Was this really how I would write my own story? I interrogated myself for the second time around and my head's going hazy. I eventually gave up on beating myself up with these rueful thoughts. I shook my head just to clear everything out.

I let out a deep hopeless sigh and thought of meditating for a while just to get a clear vision of how I want things to go. That was initially what I had in mind but I ended up screwing it up that moment I felt my phone in my hands.

I began tapping on my phone until I was already typing a message.

AUGUST: Hey there, Ambrose! I hope you had a good night and I just want to say sorry for what......

I didn't even finish typing the message and I was already clearing it until there was only the blinking vertical line. I stared at the blank screen and the incessant blinking line thinking that I'm fucking this up once again. What was I thinking? Of course, Ambrose did not have a good night. Who in the world would have a good night after catching the person they really like about to have a sexual intercourse with someone else? Of course, no one. Not even me. If I was that person, I'm going to be upset too.

I slapped my face hoping to gain some kind of wake up call. I blinked twice before eventually taking a firmer hold of my phone. I started typing once again, this time I was thinking about the words that I'm typing hoping that it doesn't sound condescending or stupid at all.

AUGUST: Good Morning, Ambrose! I really want to say sorry last night and I want to explain my side of the story.

I read the words right after typing them and eventually pressing the send button right away. I stood up and walked around the room already beginning to grow rather impatient. A few minutes had passed and I got this feeling that Ambrose had just ignored my message again. The feeling was horrible in itself, but I have to own up to the feeling. I have no other choice but to reap and savor all of the horrible feeling knowing the fact that I'm the one to blame. I snatched my phone once again and began typing for a follow up message.

AUGUST: Please!

I was beginning to sound desperate and I am truly desperate. Ambrose might be ignoring me but I'm not going to stop texting him. I pressed the send button just as quick as I snatched my phone and began typing another message.

AUGUST: Let's go somewhere and talk about everything. I'll be waiting for you.