bad decisions

Chapter 10: Arm's Length

TW: SELF HARMSaturn - Day 4

I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember waking up. Noah was wrapped around my back, I was wearing pajamas, and the world was dull, letting me know I had taken my meds. It felt like I wasn't in my body as I pulled Noah's arm off my hip before sneaking out of Noah's room.

I know it was fucking late when I woke up, regardless to the fact that I know I passed out early in the afternoon yesterday. The clock on the stove told me it was just before midnight. I put my hands on the edge of the sink and let the cool metal chill my skin. Everything was hot and the air was thick. I could tell I was falling apart.

I know I grabbed a glass and filled it, but I wasn't present for it. My body and my mind weren't doing it. The world was dark in every regard. Needing to get out, I made my way across the open kitchen and living room before pulling the door open and stepping onto the balcony.

The air was brisk and I felt better. I still felt like shit but I could breathe. The sky was dark but the city was awake. I felt like I was going to explode, I wanted to scream. It felt like an elephant was on my shoulders. Leaning on the railing, I looked down to the ground so far below. It was apt, I was so far from the Earth. I felt like I was floating in space. Nothing felt real, nothing felt close, and it felt like my body was being ripped apart.

I knew it was a bad idea when I did it, but I still did. I moved across the balcony and into my room through the second glass door. Going to my bedroom door, I locked it and pulled the pocketknife out of my drawer and brought it into the bathroom. With the shower on, I took off the shirt I was wearing, which I noticed was Noah's when it dropped to the floor.

I looked in the mirror and looked at the scars on my ribs. I thought to myself for a moment before lifting the knife in my right hand and pushing it into my skin and dragging it from the side of my ribs to my sternum, hissing at the stinging sensation that radiated through my chest. Watching the blood seep to the surface and slide down, I switched hands before digging back into my skin.

The burn of the cuts ached in the perfect way to relieve the pressure in my chest. I could breathe and the world was getting lighter. After a few heavy breaths, I dropped the knife into my sink before digging under the sink and pulling out some gauze, antibiotic ointment, and medical tape. I took a few moments to wipe the blood off my skin before applying the ointment and gauze.

By the time I was bandaged up, my brain was gone. My body was exhausted, so I pulled on Noah's shirt, mildly shocked at the mint and black pepper scent lightly coming off of it. I sighed to myself before walking back into my room and unlocking the door before falling into my bed.

The next thing I remember was the sun blinding me, through the open balcony door. I groaned to myself, slapping around my bed for my phone before the events from last night hit me. Remembering dancing, the guest room, and the knife, I jumped up to my knees too quickly and lost my balance.

I tipped off the bed and landed on my left arm, hyperextending my stitched hand and jamming my elbow into my freshly injured ribs. I cried out when I landed, before groaning and turning to my back. Not a second after I rolled to my back, a shirtless Noah burst through my bedroom door in a panic, almost ending my life then and there.

"WHAT THE FUCK NOAH?" I shouted, trying to sit up before giving up and laying back down, "Almost took my fucking head off my shoulders," I laid back down and muttered to him while I lightly rubbed my ribs.

"Are you okay? I heard you yell, I thought you were hurt," he said, hair in every direction and eyes wild.

"What's it fucking matter to you if I'm hurt? You barely know me," I snapped, glaring at him from the floor.