bad decisions

Chapter 11: The Truth Does Nothing if You Don't Share It - Part Three

Saturn Day 7

After hearing what Noah said yesterday evening, I couldn't sleep. I laid there with him on my chest all evening and night, just rubbing his back and playing with his hair. I got a text from Folio saying something came up and the guys wouldn't make it over, so I let Noah sleep. Physical contact with him wasn't horrible, it was nice most of the time. I still had waves of nausea rolling through me as the night went on, but it was manageable.

As the sun set, I thought about my dad. What he would say about everything I've gone through and how I handled it. About where I've found myself in life. I like to think he'd be proud of me, but I know he'd be sad for me. He'd be sad for how I've sheltered myself into this lonely life with no one around, he'd be sad that I have turned myself into the twisted version of Rapunzel. A lonely girl living in a lonely tower.

But the tower was safe. There's no telling if the prince who found his way into the tower is safe for me. The words he breathed as he fell asleep were most definitely not safe and the way they made me feel is even more dangerous.

As the sky got darker, I thought about my mom. How empty she became over time. She truly was lost without my dad. And it only got worse after she met Mickey. It was like she was teetering the edge of nothingness and he came along and pushed her in. I thought of how alike we are. We both fell down that black hole of nothing because of that man.

The only difference is I survived it. The hard part is figuring out if she's lucky she didn't have to live with it, or if I'm lucky because I made it to the other side. Mostly.

Hours later, as the sun rose, I thought about Noah. The gentle giant, sleeping peacefully on me. He was kind, that much was obvious from the start. He's considerate and talented and downright hilarious. I'm sure there's much to him I don't know. He proved there's another side to him the other night in his bedroom.

But there is something I do know. He is almost just as afraid of how he feels for me as I am of my own feelings. And that's what makes him dangerous. People become unpredictable and nonsensical when they're afraid and I can't afford the risk. I know I need to shut this shit down before it gets bad, like an infestation of rats.

As though he could hear me, Noah groaned and shifted. He was waking up. After a couple of seconds of rubbing his eyes, he looked up at me. His face paled when he realized not only was he sleeping on me, but I was awake. The expression was similar to that of someone realizing they stepped on a rattlesnake.

"Good morning," I said, nodding to the sun peaking over the buildings to the east of the giant windows that framed my living room, "Did you sleep well?"

"Uhh, yeah," he said, voice gravely with sleep, "Did you?" He got up off the couch and stretched.

"You can say that," I said, getting up myself and heading to the kitchen to start the coffee, "Folio texted me, said he left you a message but didn't get a reply. Something came up last night and they weren't able to make it. Figured I'd let you sleep as long as you needed."

"Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm sorry for how awkward everything was yesterday. I also didn't want to freak out that way with you," he said.

"It's all good. I am going to take a quick shower while this brews," I turned on my heels and headed into the hall before stopping outside my bedroom door, "Holler if you need anything."

With that, I escaped into my room and shut the door. Letting out a deep breath, I was hoping to feel my shoulders unravel and unclench my jaw. Instead, I want to scream. I want to throw something. My whole body is coiled tighter than a spring.

Shaking my head and my hands, I need to call Cara. She'll probably have some insight or wise words or what-the-fuck-ever will help me get out of this shitty box I'm in. I sighed and opened my closet door. I pulled out a black crop top and a pair of army green cargo pants. On my way into the bathroom, I pulled a bra and a pair of underwear out of my dresser.