Quiet Boy in a Noisy World

8

Happiness is something that should come easily without having to put much effort into achieving it. It shouldn't be something to chase, to have just in your grasp only for it to slip away, it should fall into your lap whilst relaxing. Happiness is being able to have fun without a care, to enjoy all the small moments along with the big, to feel comfortable with yourself and others around you, with those you love.

If you ask Sam what his greatest moment of happiness would be, he would probably just give a shrug of his shoulders, an "I don't know" or, if he must answer he would probably say the day his mother finally agreed to take him to the movies.

However, that's besides the fact. He feels he hasn't experienced true joy- the kind of happiness that stays around for days on end, sure, he was joyous for about three days as he awaited the moment he went and seen the new movie, but, now that he's seen it, he probably wouldn't consider that as peak happiness, it was just another thing to mask the growing sadness and empty feelings.

A new window has opened for him to look out of now, a new light that bubbles deep within his chest that waits the approval to flood in and fill his life with the fluorescent bliss he's long awaited. All he needs to do is pull back the curtain that he uses to hide from the unfamiliar experiences, draw back and rip down the shyness that blankets around him.

He sits on his bed, back pressed against the headboard as his blanket drapes around his legs, fingers gently ghosting across the smudged ink on his arm, faded and ready to disappear the moment water falls onto it to be long forgotten and never seen again.

He traces the numbers, finger looping to form a zero, gliding along and following the three, before his finger loops again and strikes down in a nine formation. He wonders if it's really worth it, it's been eating at his brain the moment he gave it to him, only going forgotten when he was sat excitedly in the movie theater seats.

Now, he's sat in his bed Sunday night, due for a shower where his arm will be scrubbed and the phone number will be nothing but particles floating down the drain within the water that once beat down on his body. He sighs, tracing the last digit for the fifth time, he's not sure what to do, it's not like he wants to be the bearer of bad news and tell Colby he doesn't want him as a friend. He can't make choices, especially ones that will have a great impact on him, he's scared to choose wrong.

-- 

It's easy for Sam to become his own worst enemy and he often finds himself thinking and expecting the worst because it seems to be the easiest thing to believe in when he isn't true to himself. He only realizes when he becomes aware of how he fucked up.

Like now, he wouldn't say he totally messed up but that changes when class starts and the seat next to him stays empty. He turns his head, eyes scouring the room soon to find the brunette sat in the seat he used to sit in before moving next to him. A frown stretches across his face and he realizes it's all his fault, his heart sinks to his stomach as he sees the gloomy expression he holds. He hadn't realized how passionate he felt about being his friend.

Suddenly, regret plummets deep inside him and he wonders why he wouldn't just text him. He swore to himself he would but he realized it was getting late and he had to shower, he almost forgot about the fact the marker would rub off, but a part of him hoped it wouldn't go anywhere if he hadn't scrubbed it but, when noticing it was infact washing away he had no choice but to scrub it off completely, he figured him being late for a shower was the universe telling him it wasn't really meant to be, but now that he thinks back on it, he feels like a complete idiot.  

He wonders if he'd give himself a little more credit he'd be more confident in himself, that he wouldn't feel like he wasn't worthy of being happy, of having a true friend. Maybe him not following through with Colbys instructions of texting him was just an opportunity, was him knowing deep down that Colby truly isn't what he says.