Sinner and a Savior

Ch. 12 - A Mother's Confusion

You left the apartment hurriedly, leaving Toji in the dust. You continued speed walking until you reached the station and began impatiently, and silently, waiting. 

"You good?" Toji asked as soon as he caught up with you, slowly meandering to where you stood on the platform. 

"Yeah, I'm good," you answered with a shaky voice. "It just didn't feel like I thought it would."

"Oh," Toji was a bit surprised, "I thought it went well."

"I didn't think we'd kiss," you nervously laughed.

"Yeah, very unexpected," Toji nodded along with you, "nice going on that one. I think that's what really convinced him."

"But you didn't have to go in that hard," you snapped your head in his direction. You didn't have a look of anger when you did this, but more of a look of confusion. Toji was a bit off-put by your expression, furrowing his brow and leaving his jaw slightly agape. 

"Right, okay," he agreed coolly.

"Why...did you go that hard?" You asked, your voice high-pitched from nerves, unexpectedly keeping the conversation going. Toji was completely casual about it, he was ready to drop it and move on as if it were nothing. But it clearly affected you.

"To make it more convincing," he shrugged, "the man thinks I'm named Matteo, Y/N. A Japanese man who speaks fluent, clear Japanese but grew up in southern Italy by Italians named Matteo." he gave a single laugh, "a little peck on the lips ain't gonna' cut it."

"You're probably right..." you swallowed hard, "I really messed up on that one. I wasn't thinking."

"I'll bet," he confirmed, crossing his arms tightly across his chest. 

The train had pulled into the station at this point and the two of you got on silently. And that was how the journey concluded, complete, awkward silence. 
When you got home, you went about your usual routine of taking care of Megumi. You were, however, in a trance-like state of contemplation. 

You had only ever been faithful to your husband. In fact, he was the only man you had been with since graduating high school. He was the only man that you knew and kissing Toji this day had changed just about everything.
It was one thing to see Masaru with his mistress, but you kissing someone else? No way. It couldn't be. And you enjoying it? No, nope! It felt like you were betraying the one person you loved... But did you really love him anymore after what he had done? You didn't think you could just un-love someone like that, so was it really possible? And what were these lingering feelings that you had?

By the time night rolled around, you got Megumi ready for bed and put him down. You got yourself ready for bed and curled up on the armchair that was in your personal room. You put on TBS where reruns of the recently concluded Survivor Japan: North Mariana was playing. 
You held your legs tight to your body as you let your eyes fall into a trance on the television in front of you, still lost in thought. 

Your relationship was really over. And it felt like you were finally beginning to feel it. Keeping up with Megumi and Toji had kept your mind preoccupied, but today really settled the fact that your life was changing. The regular routine you were used to was no more and you had to start over for yourself. But you began to wonder what the point of it all was. Was it really worth it to uproot everything just because you were cheated on? Would it really be good for Tsumiki if you were to leave her one and only father? All of the plans that you had happily made after marriage were suddenly useless, what would become of them? You didn't know...and you felt stuck. In fact, you felt like a coward after your actions today.

Megumi began to cry, briefly snapping you out of your trance. You let him cry for a moment, letting the sounds of his little wails bring you back to earth. But then they stopped. 

You put your legs down and sat up a little straighter, your heart beginning to panic out of the sudden silence. 
Without further hesitation, you jumped out of your chair and slipped your robe on before dashing to Megumi's room across the way. When you opened the door, you found Toji standing by the crib and gently hushing his son to sleep. Your panic had ceased. 

"What the hell, Toji?" You asked, now crossing your arms and giving a big sigh. Toji smirked and turned toward you as you addressed him.

"Well, hello to you, too," he grinned, "just helping out."

"It nearly gave me a heart attack," you walked over to the pair and went behind Toji to get a look at the snoozing Megumi that was slung over Toji's broad shoulder. You came back around to face Toji. "You've got to stop these nightly visits. What's the point of you visiting during the day if you're just going to come here again and get us in trouble?"

"You're fine," Toji reassured you, "they're not going to touch you. I made sure of that."
You were immediately quiet, a bit speechless. Toji then turned and put Megumi back into his crib where he was sleeping soundly.
"And I wanted to check in on you," he muttered as he turned back to face you. 

"Well, I'm fine," you turned up your head with a sense of pride, "thanks for checking though..." you trailed off. 

"Are you sure about that?" He insisted, placing his hands on his hips as if he were a parent scolding you. It was very clear that he didn't believe you. 

You caved. There was no way to hide it. You burst into tears and held one arm across your body, covering the lower part of your face with the other hand. You turned away from him in disgrace which made him chuckle. 

"What is with you, Y/N?" He spoke through his laughter, coming behind you and gently placing his hands on your waist to spin you back toward him. His hands lingered there while he waited for your answer. 

"I just..." you struggled to find the words, "I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm about to go through a divorce. And with Tsumiki...it's a lot to handle." Your voice shook as you spoke. It felt like you were repeating the same excuses over and over again.

Toji remained silent for a moment to take in your words, and to let you process them yourself. But this was where he brought you in again, pressing your body close to his chest. Your ear laid against his sternum where you could hear the steady beating of his heart, the only sign of humanity that came from him.
The embrace was so warm and comforting despite it coming from a man like him. It only made you cry harder. To receive this kind of familiar attention from someone else was incredibly conflicting, let alone it coming from a murderer rather than your own husband.

"I just want to be good enough," you muffled into his chest as his hand came up to cradle your head. You had forgotten just to who you were venting. "I-I was a good wife," you continued, "I did everything I was supposed to. And now...now," the anger in your voice began to rise, "now I just wanna' kill him...but then that'd mean he'd be the victim," you peeled yourself away from him just a bit, but his grasp against your waist refused to let you go out of comfort.

Toji leaned down toward your ear, keeping your body close. With a low and breathy voice he whispered, "I can make that happen for you. I can take all of that away," he promised. 

You balled your fists up against his chest and let out one more heave of tears. "No, Toji," you declared, getting some of your composure back out of remembrance of just who was here to comfort you. "It's not...an option," you continued, defeatedly. 

"Well then," Toji sighed, looking down at you with a certain look of unmistakable desire, "at least let me take the pain away for tonight."