paper rings (l.h.)

7

Luke drove me to the hospital after the paramedics had left the house, and I was a nervous wreck. My hand trembled as I dial my Mother's phone number. Luke's eyes are focused on the flashing red and blue lights he tries to keep up with. The gravel hitting the side of the car grew louder the faster his car drove, but I was too busy awaiting my Mother's sleepy voice as she answered the phone. One ring turned into three. "Fuck, Mom. Pick up..."

I didn't talk to my siblings much anymore, most of them didn't want anything to do with me ever since I had shared what my Father had done to me behind closed doors. My Mother didn't doubt me, she was the only one who truly, undoubtedly believed me. I remember holding my old chocolate lab on my lap, as my Dad's house disappeared.

By the second time I ring her phone, I hear her sleepy voice on the other end. "Mary, sorry, I was asleep."

"Mama," I flutter my eyes closed as I let out a soft sob. "Grandma fell and she is on her way to the hospital. Barnes-Jewish," I manage to spit out, her voice growing more and more concerned as I tried to calm myself down enough to be able to answer them.

"How'd she fall... what?" She asks with her voice as shaky as mine. "Okay, sweetie. Keep it together. She's strong, you know that. I'm going to go how and grab a few things, then I'll see you very soon. You aren't driving, are you?"

"No," I shake my head as I look up at the ambulance which has nearly lost us, Luke's hands held protectively on the wheel. "My friend is taking me.

"Good," she nods. "I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you, honey."

"No, wait," I practically sob into the phone. I was uncontrollable at this point. Poor Luke didn't sign up for this. I run my fingers through my hair, catching a glimpse of myself in the rear-view. My mascara was now all over my eyes and cheeks, my nose was beet read and I couldn't stop crying. I try to breathe, but it doesn't work. I'm afraid that, if I don't calm down, I'd pass out myself. "I don't... how do I do this? I don't know what to tell them."

"Just answer everything you can. Have you called your Aunts? They're closer than I am."

"No, I will," I hold my head in my hands as I find myself slowly collapsing into the seat. I felt as if the world was caving in, my Grandma had been my only friend for a while now and I didn't want to imagine a world without her in it. I liked to care for her, it gave me a sense of purpose I didn't have before. I liked to spend time with her, and learn bits and pieces of her past, and who her husband was. I needed to hear her bits of unsolicited advice, at least for a little while longer.

"Mary, listen to me," my Mom continues. "It will be alright. This wasn't your fault."

"I know," I say slowly, trying to make the words out between gentle hiccups that comes when I am upset like this. "I know."

"Stay strong. I'll see you soon."

My Mom hangs up after that, and slowly I lower my phone from my ear as we pull into the hospital parking lot. Luke turns in quickly, his eyes as wide as mine.

He follows behind quickly, keys jangling in his hand as we sprint to the emergency room. We head to the cluster of nurses moving hastily behind it, the room swarming with patients and doctors alike. I watch as the younger one greets me with a phone between her ear and her shoulder. "What can I do for you?"

"My Grandmother," I say half out of breath, half trying to find my voice. "Her name is Marjorie Whitman. She should have come in with the ambulance."

"She did," she nods, grabbing a clip board and flipping through the pages on it. "We're doing everything we can. But in the meantime you and your husband will have to sit in the waiting area, and your Doctor will be out to see you shortly."

"Mary," Luke's voice comes over me like a blanket, his hands gently placing themselves on my biceps to lead me towards the section the nurses nodded to. It was empty besides a few ladies flipping through the magazines thrown about the coffee tables. I step back into him, feeling the adrenaline that had been pumping through my veins slowly drain out of my system. I was led to a more private corner of the waiting room, Luke sat me down. I watched as his tall body sat himself directly beside me. "Didn't your Mom say to call your Aunts?"

"Yeah," I say after a second, wiping a stray tear off of my cheek. He hands me the phone that I must have thrown down in the car once we arrived. I was grateful for him, because I don't think I would have made it here alive had I not have had him. "You don't have to stay."

"I want to," he says quickly, rubbing my back as I dial in my Aunt's number. "You call them, and I'll go get you some water."

I watched as he disappeared into the hallways, and I brought the phone up to my ear. My eyes couldn't help but watch each person around me as gurneys strolled by, each nurse running faster than the last. I took a deep breath as I recalled what had happened, this time without half as many tears as my Mom's phone call. I had a few others to make after this, and they never got easier.

"I mean it," I look up at Luke as he finally returns, him holding out a bottle of water as he lowers himself into the seat beside me. The hospital was bright, as it usually was, the fluorescent lights didn't stop shining even as late as 11 PM. "I'm alright. You can go."

"I'll leave when your people get here," he grabs a magazine off of the table. "I'm fine."

I look over at him as he reassures me, flipping through pages of Riverfront Times, as if anything between them held any significance to him. I pause once I am done hiccuping even after the tears ended. I might not have been showing it, but I felt a sort of tightness in my stomach I couldn't shake. I felt better with company. "I am sorry you had to see me freak out like that."

"I'm sorry that your family is so far away," he closes his magazine, placing it back neatly on the table he had grabbed it from. "How far away?"

"My Mom lives six hours away, up near St. Louis. My Aunt live in Tallahassee, and my Uncle in New York. My Aunt is driving here, she said about four hours. So..."

I look down at the white tile beneath our feet, and I feel as if I am sinking into the chair Luke had placed me inside of. I run my fingers through my jet black hair again, holding my face in my hands as I groan into them. I didn't think about this happening, although it was always in the back of my head. But I didn't think about my Grandmother ever dying. To me, she was forever.

Luke nodded, putting his elbows on his knees as he watches me hide behind my hands. It was the one place I had in the hospital to do so, I let out a shaky breath as I tried to be brave for my Grandma. "So I'll stay four hours."

I turn to look over at him, at the blue eyed angel who had somehow fallen directly into my lap. His eyes meet mine, a sort of empathetic but genuine nonetheless smile falls from his lips. I think about kissing him again, out of gratitude instead of me expecting anything else. But I don't. Instead, I let him wrap his arms around my shoulder, and I bury my head into his side as he and I tuck ourselves in for the night.